Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether to take my son to party -bereavement related

86 replies

FishersGate · 29/12/2022 05:09

My DH has just been called to hospital as MILs death I think is imminent. This was not unexpected she is pallative.

My DS has a friends birthday party some distance away which means I won't get back till about 2pm tomorrow.

Obviously I need to carry on as normal for DS and that is my instinct but I want to be of support to DH too. He only has SIL there they don't have any other family.

Do I carry on and take DS to the party?

OP posts:
AnnoyTheBobbin · 29/12/2022 08:05

You won’t be supporting the children though they don’t know anything is wrong.

id cancel the party so you don’t end up with a fight on your hands if you suddenly cancel last minute or have to leave early.

your DH should come first today even if that means you just making sure you’re at home when he comes back (which could be any time). Awful if he had to come back to an empty house after that especially since you know he’s struggling

tiggergoesbounce · 29/12/2022 08:06

If it's only 40 minutes away, your original post sounded like a day away, i would plan to go, but let the party organiser know this may change.

I know it sounds awful, but you never know when the time will come, so you could be there and back before your DH hears anything.

Obviously, if it happens before you go, dobt go and just be around if needed.

Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 08:21

AnnoyTheBobbin · 29/12/2022 08:05

You won’t be supporting the children though they don’t know anything is wrong.

id cancel the party so you don’t end up with a fight on your hands if you suddenly cancel last minute or have to leave early.

your DH should come first today even if that means you just making sure you’re at home when he comes back (which could be any time). Awful if he had to come back to an empty house after that especially since you know he’s struggling

Thank you this is my thought I think

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 08:23

tiggergoesbounce · 29/12/2022 08:06

If it's only 40 minutes away, your original post sounded like a day away, i would plan to go, but let the party organiser know this may change.

I know it sounds awful, but you never know when the time will come, so you could be there and back before your DH hears anything.

Obviously, if it happens before you go, dobt go and just be around if needed.

This is also true very difficult situation. DH is very focused on the children too but am aware this may not be immediate despite hospital call

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 29/12/2022 08:39

I think if you do plan to go then you also need to plan to (possibly) cancel or leave at short notice. Its fine for children to have their plans changed because of a death in the immediate family. I also think you should prepare your children for what is coming if you haven't already (at least they should know that granny is very ill).

BrokenWing · 29/12/2022 08:54

I am not sure anyone can give you an answer to this.

When my mum was ill I would have been fine with dh being 40 mins away with ds when the time came as I had my siblings with me. There was actually only one of us who brought their partner and tbh their presence was awkward, it was an immediate family time straight after it happened. I never saw dh until the early hours of the next morning when i went home to sleep and was glad he knew I would want to be with my siblings, he supported ds and gave me that space.

But it all really depends on the people and relationships involved. I don't mean if they are close or not, just how they prefer to deal with something like this. Is you dh likely to want to be with his sister, is his sister likely to want to be with him or will she head home to her family? If you can't judge the situation yourself, ask your dh.

Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 09:03

BrokenWing · 29/12/2022 08:54

I am not sure anyone can give you an answer to this.

When my mum was ill I would have been fine with dh being 40 mins away with ds when the time came as I had my siblings with me. There was actually only one of us who brought their partner and tbh their presence was awkward, it was an immediate family time straight after it happened. I never saw dh until the early hours of the next morning when i went home to sleep and was glad he knew I would want to be with my siblings, he supported ds and gave me that space.

But it all really depends on the people and relationships involved. I don't mean if they are close or not, just how they prefer to deal with something like this. Is you dh likely to want to be with his sister, is his sister likely to want to be with him or will she head home to her family? If you can't judge the situation yourself, ask your dh.

He isn't sure obviously currently as this has been a long process so I am not sure exactly how he will feel. Bil has gone over to be with SIL too.

I cant do anything immediately but I was there when he DF passed but we didn't have the children then. I have been with him over 20 years and married 15. SIL would also tell me of awkward.

What I don't want to do is leave it for hours if DH does suddenly need me. Its only a few children at party and I don't know parents enough to leave DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 09:04

Untitledsquatboulder · 29/12/2022 08:39

I think if you do plan to go then you also need to plan to (possibly) cancel or leave at short notice. Its fine for children to have their plans changed because of a death in the immediate family. I also think you should prepare your children for what is coming if you haven't already (at least they should know that granny is very ill).

They do know nanny is very poorly and not coming home but we weren't sure if hospice etc

OP posts:
AChristmasCaro · 29/12/2022 09:06

When my mil was dying, dh was very clear that the best thing I could do was keep life as normal as possible for the children so that he could focus completely on his mum. He would definitely have wanted us to go to the party (in your shoes) and would have felt it an extra pressure if I’d cancelled everything before she died (different afterwards of course).

We’re all different. I think all you can do is talk to your DH- would he like you on hand or would it be better to carry on as normal?

Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 09:22

AChristmasCaro · 29/12/2022 09:06

When my mil was dying, dh was very clear that the best thing I could do was keep life as normal as possible for the children so that he could focus completely on his mum. He would definitely have wanted us to go to the party (in your shoes) and would have felt it an extra pressure if I’d cancelled everything before she died (different afterwards of course).

We’re all different. I think all you can do is talk to your DH- would he like you on hand or would it be better to carry on as normal?

I think he would want me and the children near. I don't 🤔 from conversations he will be staying at the hospital hours after, that of course may change.

Also this is very fluid as it still may not happen for hours etc

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 10:05

I am taking him as it means leaving in next 10 minutes. Have discussed with DH

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 29/12/2022 10:09

If it really looks like it's any moment now then no, I wouldn't go.

purplecorkheart · 29/12/2022 10:14

I wouldn't go. I would worry Dh is putting a brave face. If the roles were reversed I would be hurt if he went.

Weath · 29/12/2022 10:16

I'd ask your DH. Personally, I would be asking someone to look after DS while I went to the hospital to be with DH while he needed me.

Lenald · 29/12/2022 10:18

What? Ofc not his Mum is going to die. You don’t miss that to travel to a kids party.

rainbowstardrops · 29/12/2022 10:34

I see you've already decided to go.

Personally, I'd have seen if someone else could have taken him so that you're close by. You say you don't know the parents well enough to leave him there, so it's not even a party for someone close!

rainbowstardrops · 29/12/2022 10:35

I feel for you all though Flowers

Dotcheck · 29/12/2022 11:03

FishersGate · 29/12/2022 05:41

I don't want my children to just be sitting around the house etc unless it's really necessary. Death is part of life but it's important life doesn't stop for them

Show quote history

Their Grandmother is dying- why can’t they sit around for a bit?
It is bonkers to take them. Where will they learn about being a supportive family unless you show them? Are they too young to learn about supporting their dad and aunt when things are tough?
You will be very far away if your husband needs you. Even if he doesn’t, it will be a comfort that you are there, rather than ‘carrying on as normal’ when things are nit anywhere near normal.

Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 11:47

Dotcheck · 29/12/2022 11:03

Their Grandmother is dying- why can’t they sit around for a bit?
It is bonkers to take them. Where will they learn about being a supportive family unless you show them? Are they too young to learn about supporting their dad and aunt when things are tough?
You will be very far away if your husband needs you. Even if he doesn’t, it will be a comfort that you are there, rather than ‘carrying on as normal’ when things are nit anywhere near normal.

Show quote history

Unfortunately the call came at 5am and this could be all day/eve she is still very lucid . DH has stated he is happy for us too go. And there isn't anything I can do. When the party is finished I will be going over.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 11:50

Dotcheck · 29/12/2022 11:03

Their Grandmother is dying- why can’t they sit around for a bit?
It is bonkers to take them. Where will they learn about being a supportive family unless you show them? Are they too young to learn about supporting their dad and aunt when things are tough?
You will be very far away if your husband needs you. Even if he doesn’t, it will be a comfort that you are there, rather than ‘carrying on as normal’ when things are nit anywhere near normal.

Show quote history

I am not sure what support a 6 and 10 years old could be immediately

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 11:52

rainbowstardrops · 29/12/2022 10:34

I see you've already decided to go.

Personally, I'd have seen if someone else could have taken him so that you're close by. You say you don't know the parents well enough to leave him there, so it's not even a party for someone close!

Its a school friend. Obviously I cannot sit at the hospital all day and eve. Its actually really important the children also learn life has to carry on. They know their nan is very ill and i am sure the next coming months weeks will be very disruptive for them

OP posts:
watchfulwishes · 29/12/2022 12:29

FishersGate · 29/12/2022 11:52

Its a school friend. Obviously I cannot sit at the hospital all day and eve. Its actually really important the children also learn life has to carry on. They know their nan is very ill and i am sure the next coming months weeks will be very disruptive for them

Show quote history

really important the children also learn life has to carry on
Hmm, be cautious with this - actually life shouldn't just 'carry on' as if nothing is happening when someone we love is dying - the wartime obsession with 'carrying on' is quite a psychologically toxic approach that was necessary when living under the blitz but not helpful for normal life - children need to learn how to care for themselves when they go through bereavements later in life and the way to help them learn this is to model care not denial.

Teaching children how to adapt and adjust to the different events in life is a positive model.

zingally · 29/12/2022 13:21

I think you need to stay.

If it was a local "drop and go" party, then I'd say do it. But if it's something that's going to take you away from DH for the bulk of the day, then no.

Just tell your son "I'm sorry, I need to stay here to look after daddy."

If you've bought a present for the birthday child, perhaps your son could have it as a consolation?

Or is there another local parent who could take your son? I'm sure if you reached out to the organiser and explained the situation, they might be able to help hook you up with someone else who was coming to the party?

I8toys · 29/12/2022 13:55

I'd go. He has SIL there with him.

Fluffluff · 29/12/2022 13:57

No debate stay and support each other.

Swipe left for the next trending thread