I went to bed last night after my last post but I was thinking about this thread as I got ready for bed and I realised there was one thing I didn't clarify so I want to do that now:
Not every incident of giving someone the silent treatment is abusive, just wanted to be clear on that in case others reading my previous posts think that's the case.
It's definitely not a great way of dealing with things but not necessarily abusive in every instance.
Rather, giving someone the silent treatment is emotionally abusive if it's a regular way of dealing with problems, if it's done to punish someone (e.g I'm unhappy with you so I refuse to talk to you), if it's done to manipulate someone to give in and do what you want or say what you want to hear and it can certainly be abusive if it's prolonged - giving someone the silent treatment or clearly avoiding them for hours, days, even weeks sometimes instead of talking through the problem. It can be a way of attempting to control another.
As @Boulshired says above, this type of abuse has been documented and researched which is why I suggested last night that the OP could do further research herself, in case she didn't want to take my word for it.
It can be very damaging to be on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour.
We're all aware of the damaging effects of being in a physically abusive relationship or a verbally abusive relationship but many tend to minimise the damaging effects of avoidance/silent treatment and don't even recognise that it can be a form of abuse.
Just like other types of abuse, it can lower self esteem, cause anxiety and stress, make a person doubt themselves, make them fearful of voicing their thoughts, needs, opinions etc in case they're punished by getting the silent treatment inflicted on them.
It can cause them to feel confused, frustrated, resentful, angry etc.
It can make someone feel belittled and uncared about.
It's absolutely horrible to live in the same house as the person giving you the silent treatment, you find yourself walking on eggshells and can't relax.
As for the effects on children living in such a household - it can have some of the same damaging effects as having to live with more well known types of abuse.
@Didchristmasreallyhappen Not every child is going to be affected in the exact same way, even children from the same household might be "damaged" in different ways.
It can cause children to be anxious, angry, shut down, display timidity, aggression, they might not be able to fully relax or concentrate, might act the clown etc etc. They're aware of the tension in the house and are walking on eggshells at all times. Any parent who says their child isn't affected by silent treatment behaviour is deluding themselves.
Children can't fully relax/feel safe as parents can't be fully trusted as the adults are unpredictable, you never know when the moody, sulky behaviour will appear and how long it'll last.
Children who grow up in an environment where this type of behaviour is a regular occurrence can have some of the same sort of issues in adulthood as those who grew up in households where other types of abuse occurred.
I can't write everything about it here, the research is out there if anyone wants to learn more.
I also speak from experience - I grew up in a home where my mother regularly gave my father the silent treatment, it sometimes lasted for days, sometimes for a week or more.
Even though it was my father that my mother was angry at everyone in the house suffered. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife and we all noticed it. My mother would deny this, she did love us and saw herself as a good mother - she read books, played games, helped with homework, we had all we needed in terms of food, clothes, activities etc.
Unfortunately she was/is in complete denial about how her behaviour towards my father affected us kids.
Loving your child isn't always enough if parents don't want to face up to the fact that their behaviours and moods are noticed by their children and that it's having a negative impact on them.
Sorry, this has turned into a bit of an essay.
@Chipsandeggagain , there's certain things you've said that remind me of my mother which is what prompted me to post on this thread. She always believed that everything was 100% my father's fault, she flat out refused to see that her own behaviour contributed to the problems in their marriage.
He was far from a perfect husband but even when he did try nothing he ever did was good enough. She was looking for ways to find fault with him, saw herself as the "good" adult who did everything for the family and felt she wasn't appreciated, a martyr. She refused to see that she had to change her behaviour, refused to see that she had to take some responsibility for her own happiness. As far as she was concerned she was always the victim.
Obviously I don't know exactly what's going on in your home but if you recognise any of this then please speak to a counsellor/therapist so that you can be happy and so your dd doesn't have to grow up in an unhappy home.
As I said last night I think a relationship counsellor might be helpful for your marriage but I think you and Dh might benefit from individual counselling too. If you have difficulty communicating effectively with your DH then some therapy sessions will help you discover why and give you new coping tools.
If you do recognise any of this and you regularly deal with problems by giving the silent treatment/avoiding then don't beat yourself up about it. The important thing is to recognise it and the long term negative impact it can have so you can stop this behaviour asap and find new, healthier ways of dealing with issues. Take care.