To ask what YOUR depression feels like?

[ConfusedmumUC]

It’s a very personal question, really appreciate any replies. It’s something I’ve battled with on and off for 20 years and I often wonder what the experiences of others are with it, I thought maybe here where it’s anonymous we could share without feeling judged and maybe even find we aren’t totally alone in it all.

I’ll go first.

My depression cycles, I can go many months functioning “normally” and making plans for my future, being sociable. When it hits it’s like I’m drowning and can last from a few days to a few months. I don’t want to see anyone, I feel numb to all interaction, the thought of having to spend time with people (even those I love) makes me want to crawl under the duvet and not get out. I’m always exhausted during these periods and feel very very bleak, like my mind and body are failing and I think it better I wasn’t here.

Hi Op , yours sounds similar to mine. I know when iit's coming as I feel on a cliff edge but also manic. Sometimes I can control it but sometimes I don't want to. I become reclusive, don't want to talk, sometimes I won't tale my tablets because of it too, again because I don't want to feel better.
The last time I had it severely was 4 years ago and lasted6 months. I'm now a lot more conscious of it but accept I will have cycles of it

Pretty much the same as you. Numb is a good descriptor. Can't be arsed anymore, don't care. Don't want to make plans.

For me, my main symptoms are irritability and apathy, mixed with lots of self loathing. I compare myself constantly with others and feel inferior to everyone around me. I function on the outside ie. I manage to go to work etc. Beyond that, I have little enthusiasm for any other activities.
I'd say I've been low level depressed on and off for years but the severity waxes and wains with my hormones and situational stuff. Also, 3 am waking with negative thoughts going round and round. That one's horrible!
This is an interesting thread, thanks for starting it.

Grey, numb and alone. Like wading through porridge. Everything feels pointless but also I can’t have any strong emotions it’s all just blank. That’s usually the biggest initial sign for me me, when I have thoughts of abject self loathing but can’t cry or feel much about them, just matter of fact “I am an awful disgusting person and everyone hates me”

Like I need everything, but don’t want anything.

Externally I guess I am quite short with people and not affectionate, but I do generally carry on like a zombie

Like a duck - apparently gliding along but padding furiously below the surface

FML. Paddling obviously

It’s like a kind of paralysis, Even moving your body seems like a huge effort. I feel a great heavy weight around my heart and stomach and a feeling of dread. I’ve had it on and off all my life.

LeFeu, I can really identify with the Zombie description. My job is people facing and I'm around people for 10 hours a day. I have to limit my social interactions to avoid burnout. When I get home, I'm just done with people. I really don't have the energy. It's sad as it restricts my social life completely but I'm too numb to care.

It’s all just such hard work. Can’t be arsed to do the basics, like getting a shower or making my bed. I have to really force myself, then have a rest after.
Sometimes there’s guilty feelings that I can’t attribute to anything. I’ll ignore phone calls because I don’t want to answer ‘how are you?’ I could eat everything in the house, but not prepare a healthy meal.
I call it the clouds of gloom. It’s a heavy feeling.

I wrote a cinquain poem about it.
I think it sums it up. Like this constant misery underneath everything, but life goes on as normal on the surface.
When i'm at home, I do nothing. I just stop functioning. Which is okay at the end of the day, but not okay when it stops me from doing something with my day. I ffeel like every action or job or chore or task is just a monumental effort. And I know it's not normal because DH manages to get on with stuff without it taking him a hhuge effort to get to it.

Here's my poem:

Depression
Empty, stressed,
Laughing, joking, talking,
Being with friends and making plans,
Crying inside.

Could I possibly ask, the posters who have children, how aware do you think your kids are of your depression? Do you manage to fake enthusiasm for them or is it all a bit too much effort? The guilt I feel is a real weight around my neck. I wonder how others cope.

I was depressed as a child, but my parents never noticed. I was an invisible child, sent to boarding school at the age of 10. Because of my depression and Body Dysmorphic Disorder, plus a grandfather who had depression, I chose not to have children

I can tell it's coming on because I start waking at 3am every night and going over in my mind how much of a bad person I am. My mood starts to feel low and I am tired a lot.

Then comes the irritability and rage - today I could have happily taken an axe to my house because my DD wouldn't get a shower.

Then comes stressing about how much food I am eating and restricting my intake.

Then I will have a massive binge drinking session and will black out/lose keys/bank card/phone and place a bomb under my life and tell DP we should split up and really upset him. Finally I start to ideate suicide and make plans to end my life.

So I will start to do all the things I need to do to heal - walk up mountains, eat well, stop drinking, read and read and read and it will start to resolve.

This happens about every 3 years. It is awful knowing that whatever I do, however I change my relationship, my parenting, my house, my job, my lifestyle, my body, my finances etc. it will always come back and get me. I just have to hold on through it and repeat 'This too shall pass'.

@Theordinary I think it's pretty much "just get on with it". She probably does notice, but she's always been one of those kids who entertains herself, so I can let her get on with that and just pop in when necessary with function.
There's definitely a feeling of "british resolve", stiff upper lip and all that on the surface.

I feel angry and negative. Everything and everyone irritates me and I just want to hide under the covers 24/7. I have zero concentration and nothing interests me, I just want to sleep. I think about death a lot and how I wouldn't have to talk to anyone if I wasn't here. Sometimes I feel detached and weird as if I'm not really there. Sometimes I can't see properly and everything looks fuzzy and sounds seem louder and more irritating. My balance goes off and my arms and legs get stiff and painful. Everything feels like wading through treacle and looking at the world through muddy water.

My young adult dcs aren't aware of the depression and I just say I'm tired if they do ask me what's wrong. Depression is so awful. I'm a bit better now on my SNRI. I never realised depression felt like this until I developed it a few years ago. I never realised it affected the physical body and not just the mind. Depression feels like doing a hard day's work, it's exhausting.

Usually starts off with not being able to complete simple daily tasks, getting confused and having memory problems, intense feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Then the non stop crying starts and being unable to get out of bed unless to go to the toilet once or twice a day. Feeling like everyone would be be better off without me and I should die, obsessing over various trains of thought. This can last days/weeks /months at a time.

I had a parent who had bipolar. I was aware he was different - sleeping most of the day when depressed/ irritable.

I understood he was not well. I would have liked my parents to be more open about what was happening for me to understand it more. Otherwise I didn't know any different. I have grown up to be very aware and protective over my mental health though ( which is good thankfully for which I am grateful). It was very helpful to hear him speak later in his life about things that helped him ( exercise, routine) and things that didn't ( alcohol, loniless)

That's interesting Falala, we are fairly open about our mental health struggles in this house. More so than my parents were. I had a parent with depression who took to their bed. I think I almost refuse to do that to my kids. However I feel rage and resentment that I'm not allowed to!
Not sure that makes much sense.

@SafeMove mine sounds similar to yours but interject feelings of worthlessness, wanting to cut myself (particularly my face) and thinking that if I drove into the central reservation life is so shit I'd walk free from it with a mere scratch. I'm angry, I feel sick, I can't control my emotions internally (externally I can) and I cry over everything. It's actually quite embarrassing sometimes.

My children are aware. They are 6 and 10 and a lot was bought on by parental ocd. They know my brain doesn't always work properly and I get anxious and don't feel happy. They know intake tablets to try and help it.
I wish they didn't have to know but they also need to know mental health isn't embarrassing.

At my very worst, it was just the complete absence of hope.

That was in my late teens though and a shit load of CBT has made my experience of depression different in the decades since.

Nowadays, there’s just a sheer physicalality to it. A lot of pain all over. Huge escalation in my ADHD traits - inability to anything and paralysing overwhelm at the smallest task.

I definitely fake it.

Mine is like being hit by a sledgehammer.