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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so grossed out by this present?

86 replies

pompous · 28/12/2022 11:17

I share a 9 year old daughter with my ex. He came over Christmas morning to watch her open her gifts and he received his gift from her - a photo frame with a picture of her in it, various items of clothing and his favourite chocolates. I received nothing.

They went shopping yesterday and my daughter brought out a Christmas present for me. It was a scarf from primark and a half used bottle of perfume - not in the box, no lid on it, clearly some woman's half used bottle of perfume which I'm going to assume was his exes that she'd left at his flat.

I'm just disappointed at the lack of thoughtfulness and that he can't possibly see how utterly shit it is to give someone a half used bottle of perfume. I obviously didn't say that to my daughter. I acted over the moon but I really want to say something to him.

AIBU to be upset about this? And WIBU to say something to him?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/12/2022 11:20

You're not going to get a reasonable response from him

AChristmasCaro · 28/12/2022 11:22

He’s your ex for a reason. I’d probably return the perfume on the basis that it belongs to someone else. Alternatively might he have nicked a tester?

viques · 28/12/2022 11:22

Take it as confirmation ( if you need it!) that you are better off with him out of your life, apart from when he meets your dd.

For future presents encourage your dd to make him home made gifts, don’t buy stuff for her to give him.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2022 11:23

He clearly knows it is a shit present and doesn't care. It fulfilled it's purpose in making your dd feel shed got you a gift. You can do the same by providing him with some pound shop tat on future occasions and saving your money to get something nice for yourself.

UWhatNow · 28/12/2022 11:25

Why did you act over the moon when it’s clearly a skanky thoughtless gift? You are modelling low standards to to your dd. You should’ve politely returned it and told him that you don’t want second hand used things.

If you accept shitty behaviour people will treat you accordingly.

Battlecat98 · 28/12/2022 11:42

I would give it back to him and say it seems you have inadvertently given me someone's used perfume.
Fwiw I tend to tell my DC exactly what I want or get it, give it to them and they wrap it. Your ex sounds useless re presents and 9 is to young to do it.
You are well rid.

Fanblinkingtastic · 28/12/2022 11:52

Did you get him a gift?

My ex and I share our now 13yr old DS and 8yr old DD.

First year we weren’t together for Christmas I gifted him an expensive bottle of whisky from the children and I received an old valentines gift box with some random chocolates in (roses? Heroes?) along with a few old felt tip pens. I went ballistic!! DD was almost 4 at the time and told me that daddy’s girlfriend did it - it felt a bit vindictive to be honest

It wasn’t the value, it was the complete lack of effort and the thought that his then girlfriend had done that to spite me and my children had no excuse but to give that to their mummy for Christmas. I was disappointed for them as they do receive pleasure in gift giving and wanted to get their mummy a present

His excuse was he assumed I had regifted the whisky to him and assumed I had received it as a gift from a client.

We now have an agreement that we each buy ourselves a gift of equal value that the children can give to us - so for example this year he got a box set DVD he wanted and I bought myself a gift of equal value and we each swapped them over - then we show the children that we have got x/y/z for them to give to their mum/dad

Neither of us ‘want’ a gift from each other so hence why we just buy our own now and swap them over for the kids. It works though. Kids are happy and neither of us get a gift we aren’t happy with.

MissMaple82 · 28/12/2022 11:53

Charity shop perfume. Either way it's the thought that counts. He's your ex ffs

megacat · 28/12/2022 11:54

Yes the present is horrible but you went way overboard with your gifts. The chocolate would have been fine. I wouldn't want to wear clothing picked out and bought by an ex.
You're putting way too much thought into a gift between exes dressed up as from a child, it's weird. Just let the child pick out some chocolates in future and leave it there.

Fanblinkingtastic · 28/12/2022 11:55

Sorry I misread your post - I see you got him gifts.

Defjnitely speak to him about it though

Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 12:10

megacat · 28/12/2022 11:54

Yes the present is horrible but you went way overboard with your gifts. The chocolate would have been fine. I wouldn't want to wear clothing picked out and bought by an ex.
You're putting way too much thought into a gift between exes dressed up as from a child, it's weird. Just let the child pick out some chocolates in future and leave it there.

My daughter picked them out.

OP posts:
user1496262496 · 28/12/2022 12:19

Why are you spending you money on your ex? Your daughter can make him presents and cards in future.

Of course he isn’t going to spend money on a cafe fully selected gift for you. You are Ex. All he needs to supply is a token gift for his daughter to give you. That could also be something she has made.

DairyDiary · 28/12/2022 12:21

AChristmasCaro · 28/12/2022 11:22

He’s your ex for a reason. I’d probably return the perfume on the basis that it belongs to someone else. Alternatively might he have nicked a tester?

My oblivious DH once bought me a tester from Boots by mistake - he had the receipt to managed to take it back, explain and get an actual one but he felt like a muppet.

megacat · 28/12/2022 12:24

I struggle to believe a 9 year old when choosing a gift for her father would think of clothes, and pick out nice things with no input from you but ok. Still way over the top.

DairyDiary · 28/12/2022 12:24

Fanblinkingtastic · 28/12/2022 11:52

Did you get him a gift?

My ex and I share our now 13yr old DS and 8yr old DD.

First year we weren’t together for Christmas I gifted him an expensive bottle of whisky from the children and I received an old valentines gift box with some random chocolates in (roses? Heroes?) along with a few old felt tip pens. I went ballistic!! DD was almost 4 at the time and told me that daddy’s girlfriend did it - it felt a bit vindictive to be honest

It wasn’t the value, it was the complete lack of effort and the thought that his then girlfriend had done that to spite me and my children had no excuse but to give that to their mummy for Christmas. I was disappointed for them as they do receive pleasure in gift giving and wanted to get their mummy a present

His excuse was he assumed I had regifted the whisky to him and assumed I had received it as a gift from a client.

We now have an agreement that we each buy ourselves a gift of equal value that the children can give to us - so for example this year he got a box set DVD he wanted and I bought myself a gift of equal value and we each swapped them over - then we show the children that we have got x/y/z for them to give to their mum/dad

Neither of us ‘want’ a gift from each other so hence why we just buy our own now and swap them over for the kids. It works though. Kids are happy and neither of us get a gift we aren’t happy with.

This is a really wonderful idea and set-up.

DuplicateUserName · 28/12/2022 12:25

This is silly.

Why not suggest to your daughter that if she insists on buying you both presents, she sticks to a £5 limit.

Otherwise she's spending an awful lot of her pocket money.

Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 12:34

megacat · 28/12/2022 12:24

I struggle to believe a 9 year old when choosing a gift for her father would think of clothes, and pick out nice things with no input from you but ok. Still way over the top.

Struggle all you want, that's what happened. She's not a toddler.

OP posts:
Climbles · 28/12/2022 12:35

The point of the gift giving was to create a nice Christmas for your DD and that was achieved. No further analysis needed.

notacooldad · 28/12/2022 12:35

‘Charity shop perfume. Either way it's the thought that counts’
Rubbish, if that’s the case it I a nasty thought to give someone that.
’Why did you act over the moon when it’s clearly a skanky thoughtless gift? You are modelling low standards to to your dd. You should’ve politely returned it and told him that you don’t want second hand used things.’ This is excatly right.
i would be saying to ex that how his dd sees you being treated by him is how she will expect to be treated by men when she is older as that is her reference point. Does he want his daughter to be treated like shit? If not then he needs to treat you with respect and dignity.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/12/2022 12:38

Your daughter picked out a half used bottle of perfume? How was that even a suggestion?

Liz1tummypain · 28/12/2022 12:39

What you gave your ex is on a par with how much I gave my current partner. I think you could dial back on what you give him next year. Whatever people give their ex's it's likely they won't be appreciated. Sorry you feel peeved by what's happened but I wouldn't make a big scene because you want to try and keep things as amicable as you can. All the best.

Floralnomad · 28/12/2022 12:40

Surely if your daughter is old enough and able enough to select suitable clothes for her father’s Christmas present she’s old enough to see that it’s a used bottle of perfume . You can’t have it both ways .
That aside , next year he gets something homemade by your daughter or a box of chocolates. Do you not have a mum / sibling that could shop for your present with your daughter .

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 28/12/2022 12:40

Frankly I'm still too petty to go out of my way to give my ex a present. If the kids asked to go shopping I would, but they didn't (and we did go shopping to get me a gift together)

His girlfriend took my youngest out to buy me a present, unlike the first 2 years she was with him, but I'm still not going to do anything (unless the children ask to). Their behaviour was too awful.

I think that the half-hearted gifts are worse than nothing in many ways. Next year, be child-led, only get what she chooses, and assume you'll get nothing back, it's just not worth spending your time thinking about it.

Chattycathydoll · 28/12/2022 12:41

DD also wants to get me gifts at Xmas and at 7 is too young to get them independently, so I give a friend a tenner as her budget and they take her round the shops. She knows I don’t mind a charity shop present so normally gets some bits for her cousins too. That way my ex is not involved or I know he would pull a stunt like this. Sadly he’s an ex for a reason, you need to find ways to minimise his involvement in your life though he has to stay in your DD’s.

FUEWC · 28/12/2022 12:43

Sounds like the last time he’s round for Christmas 🤷🏼‍♀️