To be so grossed out by this present?

[pompous]

I share a 9 year old daughter with my ex. He came over Christmas morning to watch her open her gifts and he received his gift from her - a photo frame with a picture of her in it, various items of clothing and his favourite chocolates. I received nothing.

They went shopping yesterday and my daughter brought out a Christmas present for me. It was a scarf from primark and a half used bottle of perfume - not in the box, no lid on it, clearly some woman's half used bottle of perfume which I'm going to assume was his exes that she'd left at his flat.

I'm just disappointed at the lack of thoughtfulness and that he can't possibly see how utterly shit it is to give someone a half used bottle of perfume. I obviously didn't say that to my daughter. I acted over the moon but I really want to say something to him.

AIBU to be upset about this? And WIBU to say something to him?

Good for you OP!!

If this helps: my parents divorced when I was 1. Lived with mum 3 weeks out of 4. Dad had real moments of greatness but he’d also do things like cancel weekend because he was meeting a woman or going to the pub with his mates. My mum never covered for him. She always told us the truth. I respected her so much more, even at a young age, for not lying and making things up and treating us like grown ups. It also allowed us to make accurate judgements in our teenage years because we knew him for what he was (which was mostly utterly useless). She never bought presents because he was mostly snide and twattish to her and in her opinion that didn’t warrant a present.

As an adult she told me more, like he’d call her at 4am pissed slagging ua off - we were 6&7 and weren’t even with him! I admire her for not ‘being the bigger person’ and just behaving in the way she deserved

@QueefQueen80s

I don’t understand?

My ex and I used to buy presents for each other so the kids had something to give us, then one year without notice he just stopped. I was quite upset for my kids that they had nothing to give their mum so I just used to give money to my parents and later to them so they could buy me a surprise. Sometime I bought myself something I really wanted and gave it to them to wrap so I also had nice things at Christmas. It worked for me.
I did continue to give money to my kids to buy something for their Dad and his parents because I was doing it for them and didn’t want to stoop to their Dads level

Children do see what’s happening

You need to tone down the gifts. the photo frame would have been more than enough. Thoughtful gifts are for people that you are in a relationship with so you need to stop expecting that from your ex. Even if your dd picked the gifts, she's 9 so you could have gently asked her to choose one item out of the many that she wanted to buy.

Because she loves her daughter and doesn't want to upset her. Her daughters feelings trump anything.

But it’s something that the dad just thoughtlessly gave the dd. It wasn’t something particularly cherished or chosen by the child. It doesn’t hurt children, particularly girls, to have thoughtless male behaviour pointed out so that they are aware of it and can see it for what it is. Better in the long term to educate your dds than sugar coat certain things.

Sounds like maybe your DD put it together for you realising he had not made any effort? Did he give you this or your daughter? Reads like the latter

I feel really sad for you OP. You sound a really good mum and I would have done exactly the same thing about the perfume. I couldn't hurt a child's feelings if the gift was supposedly from her, although the ex was the 'buyer'.
Yes, I too would have pretended to be thrilled by it but I'd be sure to let the ex know how I really felt...in private, when daughter definitely couldn't hear.
Wishing you a really happy 2023. I'm sure your daughter will grow up with your attitude to parenting, which IMHO, is the right one.

I don't get why you both get involved in gifts over and above maybe a box of chocolates.

What's happened here OP is you've got way too involved in your ex's Christmas present from your daughter and somehow expected him to care about yours? Yeah the perfume thing is a bit shit but I wouldn't be upset, just lesson learned to stop being so invested next time around - let her choose some chocolates for him and job done. Noone should reasonably expect anything more from a 9 year old anyway.

You certainly shouldn't be upset at your 9 year old who has done nothing wrong.

I don’t know how you stopped yourself from saying “I’m so embarrassed for you.”

Maybe your DD chose the clothing items herself for her dad, but what about the chocolates and the photo frame? You didn't say, "You've already bought a Christmas present for Dad remember" but let her buy more things?

I wouldn't have acted delighted about a partially used bottle of perfume. That's odd and I would have queried it with DD without being accusatory or annoyed. Just puzzled, like you would be if you got a partially used bottle of drink or half-eaten box of chocolates. Presents don't have to be new, but they do have to be complete and you presumably want your DD to be cognizant of stuff like that.

I'd let it go this time but set new expectations for Christmas going forward: DD buys a present for you and one for her dad, either independently or with guidance. Each parent gets their present from her on Christmas day.