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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so grossed out by this present?

86 replies

pompous · 28/12/2022 11:17

I share a 9 year old daughter with my ex. He came over Christmas morning to watch her open her gifts and he received his gift from her - a photo frame with a picture of her in it, various items of clothing and his favourite chocolates. I received nothing.

They went shopping yesterday and my daughter brought out a Christmas present for me. It was a scarf from primark and a half used bottle of perfume - not in the box, no lid on it, clearly some woman's half used bottle of perfume which I'm going to assume was his exes that she'd left at his flat.

I'm just disappointed at the lack of thoughtfulness and that he can't possibly see how utterly shit it is to give someone a half used bottle of perfume. I obviously didn't say that to my daughter. I acted over the moon but I really want to say something to him.

AIBU to be upset about this? And WIBU to say something to him?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/12/2022 13:56

YANBU to be disgusted. So take it back or bin it.

YABU to set such a high budget for gifts to your ex from your dd, to maintain such obviously false expectations of him and especially, to 'act over the moon' about a late, shit, thoughtless gift. You're training your dd to have very low standards and expectations of men.

You need to explain to her that, while you're grateful for her choices, her dad really let her down this time. Gifts, if they're to be given at all, need to be thoughtful and in time. Show her the perfume, explain the problem, sort it out as best you can and jointly roll your eyes at the useless fool.

roseretrox · 28/12/2022 13:59

I’ve learnt in life not to over extend myself when giving gifts. I know how to give really good gifts but not everyone is worth it! So with your ex, just keep a mental note of what he’s like. A card from his daughter is sufficient. You don’t need to get him a “great” gift. He doesn’t need to come to yours on Christmas Day.

gifts don’t have to be perfectly reciprocated but he is taking the P by doing this. He’s come to yours for Christmas and couldn’t even be bothered to get you a token gift of card or chocolate or bubbly. I wouldn’t buy him a gift again.

StickyCricket · 28/12/2022 14:01

You need to stop pretending to your daughter that you're over the moon with her post-Christmas afterthought shitty half-used gift, when she's chosen all by herself such wonderful thoughtful gifts for her dad.

roseretrox · 28/12/2022 14:02

pompous · 28/12/2022 13:19

My daughter wants her dad there on Christmas morning, it's how it's always been for the last six years. I would never deny her or him that, regardless of my feelings towards him.

Show quote history

But children can’t always get what they want. What if your plans change in the future to accommodate your other family or your future partner, or perhaps you spend Christmas at someone else’s home? Is he always going to be invited for the sake of watching her open her gifts?

Pineapple25 · 28/12/2022 14:04

Can you not scrap the idea of bought presents and allow the children to do hand made gifts for you each so it doesnt really cost anything? Like scrap books, painting on canvas etc. That way you know it's been chosen and created by your child and not you or your ex.

Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 14:04

StickyCricket · 28/12/2022 14:01

You need to stop pretending to your daughter that you're over the moon with her post-Christmas afterthought shitty half-used gift, when she's chosen all by herself such wonderful thoughtful gifts for her dad.

We were looking in the mens section in sainsburys as I was getting some slippers for my stepdad and she seen a T-shirt and a shirt that she said, 'my dad would like these, can I get them?' I said, yes. I don't know why that is so hard for people to understand. I would say that's pretty normal at age 9, she's not 3 as I've said.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 28/12/2022 14:15

My eldest GC is 8, she is old enough to understand what it means now that her parents have split. They have the children separately over Christmas. The presents should be token presents. It should have been t-shirt, or shirt, not both. You gave him more than one item, so he's tried to reciprocate, but at the same time he might be sending you a message that it's something he doesn't want to do. Start to scale back the Christmas day visit.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/12/2022 14:35

Stop buying his presents and expect nothing from him.

You’re teaching your DD that you’re still his secretary even though he doesn’t respect you a jot

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/12/2022 14:36

pompous · 28/12/2022 14:04

We were looking in the mens section in sainsburys as I was getting some slippers for my stepdad and she seen a T-shirt and a shirt that she said, 'my dad would like these, can I get them?' I said, yes. I don't know why that is so hard for people to understand. I would say that's pretty normal at age 9, she's not 3 as I've said.

Show quote history

You say “Well Daddy and I don’t buy presents for each other but next time you’re here with him show him that!”

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/12/2022 14:37

How do you expect your DD to see you as someone whose boundaries and feelings should be respected when you constantly put yourself in situations with your ex that make you uncomfortable, disrespected and frustrated?

Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 14:59

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/12/2022 14:37

How do you expect your DD to see you as someone whose boundaries and feelings should be respected when you constantly put yourself in situations with your ex that make you uncomfortable, disrespected and frustrated?

You're right. I'm not going to do presents for him going forward. I always thought it was the right thing to do for our daughter. I wanted her to grow up differently from me - my mum and dad couldn't even be in the same room.

OP posts:
sheepdogdelight · 28/12/2022 15:06

Does your daughter get pocket money? At 9, I'd expect her to be buying small things with her own money or making a homemade present - not for parents to be buying the things.

That might be the way to go for next year?

thelobsterquadrille · 28/12/2022 15:09

pompous · 28/12/2022 14:59

You're right. I'm not going to do presents for him going forward. I always thought it was the right thing to do for our daughter. I wanted her to grow up differently from me - my mum and dad couldn't even be in the same room.

Show quote history

I've never known a 9yo to buy clothes and framed photos for their mum or dad at Christmas - when I was that age, it was a handmade card and maybe some chocolates that I'd bought with my pocket money.

You honestly don't need to spend a lot of money on him - even if you were still together, a card and a drawing or some chocolates is absolutely fine for a 9yo to give to a parent.

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 15:54

At 9 your daughter shouldn’t need him or you getting presents for the other.

Id not be pissed off at him for this, I’d just return the perfume to him and move on

KateMcCallister · 28/12/2022 15:54

We were looking in the mens section in sainsburys as I was getting some slippers for my stepdad and she seen a T-shirt and a shirt that she said, 'my dad would like these, can I get them?' I said, yes. I don't know why that is so hard for people to understand. I would say that's pretty normal at age 9, she's not 3 as I've said.

In which case you can't be pissed off when your daughter has seen a second hand bottle of perfume somewhere/found it at your ex's and said "my mum would really like this can I give it to her please"

lightand · 28/12/2022 15:58

I cant work out why you were surprised by his actions. 6? years on?

Whatdoyouthinkno · 28/12/2022 15:58

Don’t buy him gifts in future, that’s crazy. If you want to start giving DD pocket money for chores then she can use that to buy him a gift if she wants but don’t spend your own money on the twat.

QueefQueen80s · 28/12/2022 16:02

Not sure why all the posts about not inviting him over.. loads of us do that, it's lovely for the kids.

Bookworm20 · 28/12/2022 17:11

Just ask her where she bought the perfume from. Like you said a few times, she isn't a toddler and is capable of picking nice clothes for her dad.

So just ask her and then you'll know if it was from his bathroom cupboard or not. And if it was, why did you not get it xmas day? if she asks why and you don't want to upset her, just say you think it smells nice and might get more.

Also, if you do xmas morning together and he got his presents then and you got nothing, are you saying your daughter choose all those gifts for her dad and nothing at all for you? And then they went out after xmas and bought yours then? if its a 6 year tradition of doing this together, how did he not take her out before xmas to sort it?

If thats the case I'd knock the whole presents for each other on the head and just get her to buy him a chocolate bar or keyring with her pocket money next year or something. A scarf from primark in the boxing day sales is going to be what, £2 at most?

Notimeforaname · 28/12/2022 17:14

OP give him back the perfume.

Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 17:15

I asked her where the perfume was from and she said her dad bought it and gave it to her for me.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/12/2022 17:19

I’d not say anything to him, I’d just reign in the gifts from her to him. Maybe give her a £10 limit. I’m still in a relationship with my children's father, he only gets socks from one and chocolates from the other, just a token so they are included.

Aprilx · 28/12/2022 17:28

It is like you have not realised he is an ex! Why on earth would a child buy clothes, a photo frame and chocolates for her father. These are the type of gifts a wife would buy her current husband.

You have gone really overboard and I also agree that it makes no sense to say that your daughter was able to pick these things out for her father yet was unable to pick anything other than a used bottle of perfume from you. No these items were picked by the adult for the other adult and yes do show an imbalance, take a learning and dial it back.

Bookworm20 · 28/12/2022 17:38

pompous · 28/12/2022 17:15

I asked her where the perfume was from and she said her dad bought it and gave it to her for me.

I'm still a bit confused, why didn't she give it to you on christmas day, if he'd already got it? you said they went out shopping after christmas day.

QueefQueen80s · 28/12/2022 17:48

Aprilx · 28/12/2022 17:28

It is like you have not realised he is an ex! Why on earth would a child buy clothes, a photo frame and chocolates for her father. These are the type of gifts a wife would buy her current husband.

You have gone really overboard and I also agree that it makes no sense to say that your daughter was able to pick these things out for her father yet was unable to pick anything other than a used bottle of perfume from you. No these items were picked by the adult for the other adult and yes do show an imbalance, take a learning and dial it back.

Spot the jealous second wife 😆😆