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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so grossed out by this present?

86 replies

pompous · 28/12/2022 11:17

I share a 9 year old daughter with my ex. He came over Christmas morning to watch her open her gifts and he received his gift from her - a photo frame with a picture of her in it, various items of clothing and his favourite chocolates. I received nothing.

They went shopping yesterday and my daughter brought out a Christmas present for me. It was a scarf from primark and a half used bottle of perfume - not in the box, no lid on it, clearly some woman's half used bottle of perfume which I'm going to assume was his exes that she'd left at his flat.

I'm just disappointed at the lack of thoughtfulness and that he can't possibly see how utterly shit it is to give someone a half used bottle of perfume. I obviously didn't say that to my daughter. I acted over the moon but I really want to say something to him.

AIBU to be upset about this? And WIBU to say something to him?

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBastard · 28/12/2022 12:43

Isn’t there anyone else that can go shopping with your DD for your present? Your mum, a sibling, a friend? Why does it have to be your ex?
Although you say your DD is very precocious in terms of choosing suitable presents, so what happened with yours? Did he not let her choose?

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 28/12/2022 12:44

Is this the first year this has happened? Or that you have split op?

Dp and his ex both agree on what they want for the same value (think £20) and buy for the other so their child can wrap it up and give it to them on Xmas morning. Both of them get what they want, no one has to worry they have bought more than the other and the child is happy as they have got mum and dad presents they love

sheepdogdelight · 28/12/2022 12:44

I'd have expected a 9 year old to make a card/bracelet/glitter picture as a present tbh. I'm not sure why you want your ex to buy you a load of gifts, purporting to be from her.

saleorbouy · 28/12/2022 12:47

Ask him for the receipt so you can take it back as the bottle is "obviously faulty and leaking" and see what he says.
I would go much further than that though as he'll likely revel in you dissatisfaction.
He's an Ex for a reason!

beachcitygirl · 28/12/2022 12:48

I have a friend had a similiar level of shit from her ex, she felt so sad that with some encouragement from us, she turned it around & turned it on him. Child similiar age to yours.

She delighted in buying the most fucking hideous thing for him from their child - thing fake sovereign ring, horrible cheap tacky necklace, nasty smelling body sprays (think Linx marmite ) hideous primark jacket & so on. Every single occasion, birthday, xmas, Easter, Father's Day he had to wear this shit as their child had given it & he was a good dad (shit ex)

He learned pretty fucking quickly. Her presents improved drastically.

Can't beat them join them

Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 12:48

sheepdogdelight · 28/12/2022 12:44

I'd have expected a 9 year old to make a card/bracelet/glitter picture as a present tbh. I'm not sure why you want your ex to buy you a load of gifts, purporting to be from her.

I don't. The scarf would have been fine. It's the half used bottle of perfume that's upset me. I'd rather be left that out

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 28/12/2022 12:49

The gift is undoubtedly shit, but I do think you're buying too much for your ex.

Your DD just needs to make her dad a card and maybe buy him a box of chocolates. No need to buy clothes and get photos framed for him.

sheepdogdelight · 28/12/2022 12:50

TBH I can see a 9 year old finding the half used bottle of perfume and thinking it smelt nice and her mum would like it. So maybe she was the one that chose to give it and ex had no input at all?

ThreeblackCats · 28/12/2022 12:50

Don’t invite him over to enjoy Christmas morning with his daughter any time in the future.
if he asks why is he being made to miss Christmas, tell him. Explain in no uncertain terms that used perfume or used lingerie is not acceptable.
He gives zero shits, you need to start giving the same, or less.

Whyareblokesonhere · 28/12/2022 12:51

Next time he does a pick up/ drop off find an excuse to pop outside, spray liberally in his car, especially on anything fabric and then say nothing

notacooldad · 28/12/2022 12:59

TBH I can see a 9 year old finding the half used bottle of perfume and thinking it smelt nice and her mum would like it. So maybe she was the one that chose to give it and ex had no input at all?
Even if that was the case I would be telling dd that it is not an acceptable present tbh. She is 9 not 4. You don’t give used presents as gifts.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/12/2022 13:03

pompous · 28/12/2022 12:48

I don't. The scarf would have been fine. It's the half used bottle of perfume that's upset me. I'd rather be left that out

Show quote history

Do you mean "he"? So you put this down to him?

If you're upset because you think he got her to give you used perfume in order to rub in the fact that he had a woman round...leave it. Presumably he's an ex for a reason. If you wouldn't expect any better from him, why be upset?

AllOfThemWitches · 28/12/2022 13:03

Which perfume is it?

FictionalCharacter · 28/12/2022 13:12

Yabu to pretend to be over the moon at the used perfume. YAB even more U to buy him nice presents and let him come over on Christmas day. He doesn't live with you any more. Allow your daughter to choose a small gift for him next time and leave it at that.

Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 13:17

AllOfThemWitches · 28/12/2022 13:03

Which perfume is it?

It just says 'Boss' on the spray lid

OP posts:
Original poster
pompous · 28/12/2022 13:19

FictionalCharacter · 28/12/2022 13:12

Yabu to pretend to be over the moon at the used perfume. YAB even more U to buy him nice presents and let him come over on Christmas day. He doesn't live with you any more. Allow your daughter to choose a small gift for him next time and leave it at that.

My daughter wants her dad there on Christmas morning, it's how it's always been for the last six years. I would never deny her or him that, regardless of my feelings towards him.

OP posts:
Kamia · 28/12/2022 13:20

I would not expect anything from him at all, my expectation would be low. I would not make a fuss and quietly throw away the disgusting perfume or return it to him. In future I won't be buying him anything and I won't expect anything from my child until they are old enough to buy gifts. She can make presents for him or other families members can help pick out his gift.

Mamamia7962 · 28/12/2022 13:21

Next year give her a limit of £10 to spend on her dad or less if you are on a tight budget or she can use some of her pocket money. That will have more meaning.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2022 13:22

DairyDiary · 28/12/2022 12:24

This is a really wonderful idea and set-up.

Show quote history

This is a very good idea!

amonsteronthehill · 28/12/2022 13:25

beachcitygirl · 28/12/2022 12:48

I have a friend had a similiar level of shit from her ex, she felt so sad that with some encouragement from us, she turned it around & turned it on him. Child similiar age to yours.

She delighted in buying the most fucking hideous thing for him from their child - thing fake sovereign ring, horrible cheap tacky necklace, nasty smelling body sprays (think Linx marmite ) hideous primark jacket & so on. Every single occasion, birthday, xmas, Easter, Father's Day he had to wear this shit as their child had given it & he was a good dad (shit ex)

He learned pretty fucking quickly. Her presents improved drastically.

Can't beat them join them

Brilliant. Definitely well played.

Weath · 28/12/2022 13:36

Tell your daughter you love it and ask where they got it from.....job done on finding out where it was from. Thing is, if it was in a charity shop and your daughter spotted it and really wanted to get you it, then he might not think he's done wrong by letting her.

PinkFrogss · 28/12/2022 13:45

Do you think your daughter just swiped it without understanding or they accidentally bought a tester? He might not even know

BornIn78 · 28/12/2022 13:47

pompous · 28/12/2022 12:34

Struggle all you want, that's what happened. She's not a toddler.

Show quote history

Your 9 year old was savvy enough, with no input from you, to be able to choose a selection of clothes for her father, but chose to give you a half used bottle of perfume?

I'm struggling to believe that too. If that's the case then you need to take that up with your daughter, stop pretending to be over the moon with her crappy gift.

I agree with the PP that you've put far too much effort and thought into choosing gifts for your ex. You went way overboard.

You now know better for next year.

Snowyy · 28/12/2022 13:51

I don't know why divorced or separated parents do this. If the dc wants to buy a present then get them to organise it with relatives on either side, so her grandparents/his parents could fund a present for her df. Madness to have people who loathe each other provide a present even if it is officially from a shared child.

Oher · 28/12/2022 13:53

Yanbu to be upset but please don’t say something to him. He was trying to upset you / get your attention. Better by far to ignore this.

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