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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off a family member having an affair?

113 replies

YorkieMumma · 27/12/2022 18:06

A very close family member dropped this bombshell on me in Boxing Day, after claiming they “didn’t want to ruin Christmas” when I asked if they were seeing anyone (this was on Christmas Eve when they arrived).

This family member proceeded to tell me that they are in love (!!!) with a work colleague. They have been seeing each other for months, he is married and has two children - one of which has a life limiting medical condition.

My relative has said that they have given the guy the Christmas period to decide if he is going to leave his wife - not for them, of course, for himself. This family member is apparently not okay with having an affair and feels terrible etc, but maybe they can be together in the future once he’s divorced his wife and ruined his children’s lives.

Some more backstory. My mother, brother and aunt were all abandoned by their father when he decided he was leaving their Mum for his secretary. My grandmother was pregnant at the time. To say that my family has been impacted by the horror of infidelity is an understatement, and this family member is one of the above so this is particularly shocking.

I had to hide all of this from my Mum on Boxing Day so I wasn’t the one destroying Christmas - I have a toddler and I refused to
be the one who let all of that mar Christmas. The next day, I phoned said family member and did go absolutely ballistic. They are flitting between ending the affair in January, waiting for him to leave his wife (which we all know is an excuse for him to carry on sleeping with this family member) and maybe they will end up together in the future.

AIBU to remove this person from my life for not only having an affair, but having an affair with someone whose child is incredibly sick and won’t live very far into adulthood? I am
appalled and disgusted in every level. This family member, considering their personal experience with this situation, is honestly the last person I ever expected to have an affair. I feel like everything I thought I knew about them is wrong and they have to be sick and selfish on a whole new level to do this.

OP posts:
MoreSleepPleasee · 27/12/2022 18:08

Op yabvu.

MoreSleepPleasee · 27/12/2022 18:10

And that's coming from an 'abandoned child' as you call us. You are being very dramatic.

Pumperthepumper · 27/12/2022 18:10

Is your relative married?

Fufumcgoo · 27/12/2022 18:10

'one of the above' so your aunt then? 😂

Fufumcgoo · 27/12/2022 18:11

Also, calm down love

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 27/12/2022 18:13

Bloody hell, dramatic aren't you!?

ThanosSnap · 27/12/2022 18:13

Yabu, he shouldn't be having an affair with her, but cutting her out is very OTT.

TheChosenTwo · 27/12/2022 18:13

You sound like you’re being a bit dramatic about the whole thing to be honest. My stepdad had an affair and walked away from my mum and baby sister, literally stripped all his crap out of the house while they were at work/nursery and they came home to a half empty house and a note. And I still think you’re being a bit of a drama llama.

InBedBy10 · 27/12/2022 18:13

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Lockheart · 27/12/2022 18:14

I understand why you'd disapprove, but I think you're overreacting somewhat.

drpet49 · 27/12/2022 18:15

I would see them in a different light that I wouldn’t want to really know them anymore. I certainly could never trust them again.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/12/2022 18:15

I think you’re too involved in your aunt’s life. Why did she tell her niece this on Boxing Day?

Stripedbag101 · 27/12/2022 18:15

How other people conduct their lives is absolutely none of your business.

An affair is something I don’t think I would ever entertain - - but lives are messy and you are being judgemental and dramatic.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 27/12/2022 18:16

I’m not sure why you need to disguise the fact that it’s your aunt, when it’s so obvious it’s your aunt. It’s not your Mum, and the object of the affair is a straight man (since he has a wife), so it’s your aunt.

I mean…. yeah, I wouldn’t be too impressed either. But I don’t think I’d be getting all dramatic and cutting people out. That’s not going to have any impact whatsoever.

HideyHoe · 27/12/2022 18:16

I wouldn't cut them off but I would struggle to see them in a good light ever again. I would acknowledge them at family functions for instance, but I wouldn't be beyond polite. This is because of the sick child so doubtless the mother is the one doing all or most of the care, so it will impact the family financially. All for an avoidable work fling they will be turning the poor wife's and children's life up. It's immoral and unfair.

I also wouldn't have rung them and gone ballistic.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 18:16

You're making this all about YOU.

It is not all about you. Or your grandfather.

In fact, it's none of your business.

So you don't approve of her decisions? Well, that's fine and your choice. But maybe she'd appreciate a friend when it all goes tits up in a few months.

And if he leaves his dying child to be with her? Well, would you actually want to be with someone who did that? This has disaster all over it. Have you actually told her what you think? Or just bitching behind her back?

1000yellowdaisies · 27/12/2022 18:17

I wouldn't cut relative out. But i would let her know i strongly disapproved and didnt want to hear anything else about the affair or hear him mentioned to me again. But you can't make people be moral and you can't cut relatives out because they behave in ways you disapprove of

DashboardConfessional · 27/12/2022 18:17

Lockheart · 27/12/2022 18:14

I understand why you'd disapprove, but I think you're overreacting somewhat.

It's their life to mess up.

You've expressed your feelings. It depends how much drama you want at family events. For e.g. I probably saw my aunt about once every 5 years when she was alive and my other divorced my uncle and disappeared, so not talking to an aunt makes no difference to me.

DashboardConfessional · 27/12/2022 18:18

Quoted @Lockheart to agree, in case not clear!

CarmenOHara · 27/12/2022 18:19

You’re not on Eastenders.

nokidshere · 27/12/2022 18:19

The problem is that you don't know anything about the situation. She can't make him leave his wife, that's his choice. As is cheating on her. The sick child is a bit of a red herring in terms of this story, maybe the reason the man is still with his wife is because of the sick child, maybe they have decided that they will stay together come what may because of the child. Maybe if they didn't have a sick child they would already be divorced. Or maybe he's just a shit who's cheating on his wife.

In any scenario it's not really anything to do with you. Distance yourself if you can't deal with it, ask her never to mention it when you are with her if you can't distance. But creating a family fall out is just silly really, especially if they decide to stop the affair and go their separate ways.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2022 18:20

The next day, I phoned said family member and did go absolutely ballistic.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Honestly, you need to get ahold of yourself.

Kinneddar · 27/12/2022 18:20

I had to hide all of this from my Mum on Boxing Day so I wasn’t the one destroying Christmas

Slightly dramatic 🙄

What your Aunt does is her business. You don't need to approve, you don't need to hear anything about it again but cutting her off?? Really??

I hope you never make any bad decisions in the future that your family judge you for

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 18:20

CarmenOHara · 27/12/2022 18:19

You’re not on Eastenders.

LOL 🤣

LolaSmiles · 27/12/2022 18:21

It's not unreasonable to disapprove of someone having an affair, but your posts here sound like a drama llama looking for conflict and getting involved in a relationship that doesn't concern you.

Can you not tell the relative you don't agree with their affair and don't want to hear any more about it.