To cut off a family member having an affair?

[YorkieMumma]

A very close family member dropped this bombshell on me in Boxing Day, after claiming they “didn’t want to ruin Christmas” when I asked if they were seeing anyone (this was on Christmas Eve when they arrived).

This family member proceeded to tell me that they are in love (!!!) with a work colleague. They have been seeing each other for months, he is married and has two children - one of which has a life limiting medical condition.

My relative has said that they have given the guy the Christmas period to decide if he is going to leave his wife - not for them, of course, for himself. This family member is apparently not okay with having an affair and feels terrible etc, but maybe they can be together in the future once he’s divorced his wife and ruined his children’s lives.

Some more backstory. My mother, brother and aunt were all abandoned by their father when he decided he was leaving their Mum for his secretary. My grandmother was pregnant at the time. To say that my family has been impacted by the horror of infidelity is an understatement, and this family member is one of the above so this is particularly shocking.

I had to hide all of this from my Mum on Boxing Day so I wasn’t the one destroying Christmas - I have a toddler and I refused to
be the one who let all of that mar Christmas. The next day, I phoned said family member and did go absolutely ballistic. They are flitting between ending the affair in January, waiting for him to leave his wife (which we all know is an excuse for him to carry on sleeping with this family member) and maybe they will end up together in the future.

AIBU to remove this person from my life for not only having an affair, but having an affair with someone whose child is incredibly sick and won’t live very far into adulthood? I am
appalled and disgusted in every level. This family member, considering their personal experience with this situation, is honestly the last person I ever expected to have an affair. I feel like everything I thought I knew about them is wrong and they have to be sick and selfish on a whole new level to do this.

It’s unfortunate they told you, but I doubt very much they’ll make that mistake again, so take it as a win.

Then society has been doomed for as long as it has existed 🤷🏻‍♀️

Somehow still rolling along though.

I wouldn’t cut a family member or friend off for an affair. Their decisions have fuck all to do with me and I’m not one for moral outrage when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Never been the other woman or had an affair either, because apparently that’s necessary to state.

You never know what goes on in a relationship. You have no idea what his wife is like, whether they are happy, what the relationship between him and your family member is.

You are making a lot of judgements on very little information.

Having an illicit affair is fundamentally dishonest and I wouldn't be keen - but your relative has asked for a time-limited decision. As long as she sticks to that, I'd say cutting her out of your family is extreme and unfair.

Only two people ever really know what goes on in a marriage, and affairs happen for a variety of reasons.

You might not approve of your aunt, and that's your right. But, it's not your business, and you'd be best just living your own life in tune with your moral boundaries.

No one is perfect, we all have flaws, but we either like people or we don't. What your aunt is doing doesn't affect you or your family.

Your aunt hasn't broken any marriage vows, she owes the wife nothing, and it's up to the husband to decide what to do next. 🙄

Op - do what is right for you. If you are going to struggle to chat to your family member because you know they are playing a key role in breaking up a marriage, then do what you need to do.
Personally I would have a big issue with a conversation that started, "How's the affair going? Any progress on him leaving the wife and kids? Have you worked out how to make sure the ex gets none of the family money?"

Of course I'm expressing my feelings I'm not going to write someone else's opinion here am I? I don't care whether men, women or aliens have affairs, we're talking about women because of the OP's question and as far as I'm concerned if a woman is happy to engage in an affair where another woman could at worst, learn of the infidelity, move from her happy family home into poverty, lose her inlaws and friends made through the relationship, lose her self esteem, trust and self worth, leave part of her children's care and upbringing to the woman who got with her husband behind her back and pray to God she's only selfish when it comes to her and not her kids, fall into a depression, attemlt to take her own life and then the small children whose homes have been ripped apart to grow up knowing they could have been without her where she's been made to feel worthless, replaced and as though she has lost everything then THAT other woman deserves to know and think about the pain she is contributing to. No, this isn't my scenario I've spoken of I'm in a happy relationship with a good man but yes, its based on what actually happens. Ive seen the pain caused by affairs. Hiding behind 'oh but men have to be willing too let's not blame the woman' doesn't change reality and it doesn't change the aftermath of such awful decisions being made by adults.

🤣

I think you're being extremely dramatic to be honest and sound like you're thoroughly enjoying it all.
The secrecy, the outrage, your own role as protector of the family's sensibilities then barer of scandal when it suits you. The importance of deciding on behalf of your family whether to ostracise someone.
If you don't want anything to do with your relative, just get on with it for goodness sake. No need to give yourself the starring role in something that's essentially none of your business.
(You did ask.)

@YorkieMumma "The next day, I phoned said family member and did go absolutely ballistic."

Why is it any of your business? This is your psychodrama and you need to deal with it yourself. You are talking about two consenting adults, if you had called me and gone "ballistic" I'd have politely told you where to jog. The fact that you justify it by giving context just makes things worse. You know NOTHING about the situation.

Adults can and have a right to make bad decisions. If you cut people off because you don't agree with their life choices then that is your issue, not theirs. How does this actually impact you? Other than being a bit upset? It isn't like she is stealing YOUR partner is it?

I suspect the OP may like a bit of drama, but for others that behaviour becomes tedious and people end up giving up listening.

I wonder if the people saying they wouldn't want to know them anymore or would be civil but that is all also take this approach with people who do other things that are ethically questionable. Don't declare all their earnings, don't recycle, eat meat....

@pocketvenuss People are allowed to draw the line where they see fit for all sort of personal and religious reasons for example some things you may see as no biggie is a big deal for someone else. I think being civil with someone doing something you find deplorable is being kind actually.

I wouldn’t approve but I don’t think I’d drop a relative for this reason. It’s a crappy personal decision but she hasn’t committed a heinous crime.

You don't need an excuse to distance yourself from someone you no longer want in your life. Just be honest and direct with this person that you don't want to see, speak with, spend time with her anymore. Don't play games or be unclear; you'll be back on here week after week asking why she isn't getting the message and how to break ties. Just decide and do it.

Subjectively - yes, I think you're being unreasonable provided (you believe that) the affair is the only thing influencing this decision. You asked a personal question that is none of your business and you had no need to know, and now you want to punish someone for answering it honestly. And the bit about having to keep it from your mother is silly - just don't mention it to her. If your relative that you're upset with had said "I'm not seeing anyone special" (whether or not that was the truth), the rest of the family would all be going on your merry ways with no drama.

... maybe they can be together in the future once he’s divorced his wife and ruined his children’s lives. Did your relative actually say this? If so, it sounds like she's in some pain and conflict. If you've ever cared about her or been a friend to her it might be a good idea to suggest, before you dump her, that she seek some kind of objective professional counselling top get her thoughts in order and chart a way forward. If it's you putting words in her mouth, you seem to have some kind of dislike for her that probably predates this incident. The (married, lying) man she's seeing is a tosser and would be even if she had never met him; you're blaming her for a lot more than her share of this and if that's the way you are then it's probably better for your relative to keep away from you.