To cut off a family member having an affair?

[YorkieMumma]

A very close family member dropped this bombshell on me in Boxing Day, after claiming they “didn’t want to ruin Christmas” when I asked if they were seeing anyone (this was on Christmas Eve when they arrived).

This family member proceeded to tell me that they are in love (!!!) with a work colleague. They have been seeing each other for months, he is married and has two children - one of which has a life limiting medical condition.

My relative has said that they have given the guy the Christmas period to decide if he is going to leave his wife - not for them, of course, for himself. This family member is apparently not okay with having an affair and feels terrible etc, but maybe they can be together in the future once he’s divorced his wife and ruined his children’s lives.

Some more backstory. My mother, brother and aunt were all abandoned by their father when he decided he was leaving their Mum for his secretary. My grandmother was pregnant at the time. To say that my family has been impacted by the horror of infidelity is an understatement, and this family member is one of the above so this is particularly shocking.

I had to hide all of this from my Mum on Boxing Day so I wasn’t the one destroying Christmas - I have a toddler and I refused to
be the one who let all of that mar Christmas. The next day, I phoned said family member and did go absolutely ballistic. They are flitting between ending the affair in January, waiting for him to leave his wife (which we all know is an excuse for him to carry on sleeping with this family member) and maybe they will end up together in the future.

AIBU to remove this person from my life for not only having an affair, but having an affair with someone whose child is incredibly sick and won’t live very far into adulthood? I am
appalled and disgusted in every level. This family member, considering their personal experience with this situation, is honestly the last person I ever expected to have an affair. I feel like everything I thought I knew about them is wrong and they have to be sick and selfish on a whole new level to do this.

I think people are being harsh. If you want to cut the family member out, do it. I understand why you see them the way and I think I would also see them ini similar light and maybe not want to spend time with them anymore. Dont ask people on the itnernet, do what you think is reasonable.

OP, I agree and I would. Fuck all the "dramatic" comments. Having lived the fall out of such behaviour, it is life ruining. Let alone a sick child into the mix. His poor wife. Your relative is an utter cunt 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shame she told you @YorkieMumma.

Can't believe how many people think yabu, of COURSE you're not. People are either naive, thick or just a bit nasty to ignore / overlook the impact an affair has. Men use it as a way to abuse their cheated partners and the children are damaged forever. It isn't when daddy is leaving home to go and play house with his new bit of skirt that the kids are damaged, it's 20 years later when they're making a seating plan for their wedding and have to work our where to put their spineless sod of a father and his morally corrupt, selfish side piece. That's if they even last that long. Society is doomed because of these sorts of morons, you were right to go ballistic! I'd cut them off and tell everyone why.

I don't think you needed to phone and go ballistic and it's unlikely to have had an impact. However, I don't see why people are saying you are too involved in your relatives life and to not interfere. They brought you in to the situation by telling you and asking you to keep it secret.

As for cutting them off why is that considered over-dramatic? Forget they are related to you. Their actions show their morals do not align with yours. If it wasn't a relative, and you wouldn't choose them as a friend, as this affair makes you feel they aren't trustworthy, then why shouldn't you cut them off. You probably can't avoid them completely when there are family weddings, funerals etc but you can choose to cut off any meaningful relationship with them. We don't have to accept people in our lives where we can't respect them or they don't respect us regardless off any family links.

I'd just like to add that this place is a parallel universe at times. Anybody who posts that they're having an affair, considering an affair, blah blah, get their arses handed to them squarely on a plate. Quite rightly too. Then you get somebody post at her disgust at a relative doing exactly this and she's being "dramatic" and should mind her own. The hypocrisy is mindblowing.

Society is doomed because of affairs? Really? And there I was thinking it was because of inequality, climate change, a war in Ukraine and a few other bits and pieces. Some of the people on here who literally froth at the mouth about affairs remind me of nothing so much as the Catholic Church at its worst here in Ireland where the only sins were sexual ones. And the use of terms like 'piece of skirt' and 'side piece' say far more about the character of those using them than of the people having affairs.

That's the problem, people like you quotue obviously horrific things happening elsewhere in the world to minimise the lack of basic family values, personal integrity and nurturing of relationships as well as having a decent moral compass. I take it you have been someone on the side and don't like being told about the reality of the pain and suffering caused to other women and their families. It is an utterly selfish act that spreads so much sadness and pain, no two ways about it.

I would tell her that her behaviour, and more so his, is disgusting and I see them in a different and not attractive light. I would tell them not to discuss with me again, I would not keep their dirty secret if asked and not to come crying to me when it all goes tits up.

I would not cut off a family member for it, but doubt I would be close with them anyway if this is how they behaved.

I don't at all dispute the seriousness of it, the pain it causes. I just dispute that to quote you 'society is doomed because of these kind of morons'. Infidelity is but one of the ways- and to my mind, certainly not necessarily the worst way - in which people can hurt each other. I know serial shaggers, vile people who treat both their spouse and their affair partner terribly. Of course these people exist and you'd avoid them like the plague. But I also know people who after years of living in loveless, abusive marriages found love and care with another. I judge the abusers in this case far more than the person having the affair. In the middle are the majority of affairs where ordinary people do things they shouldn't do in an ideal world but we know we don't live in that world.

You are waaaay too emotionally invested in this...

I wouldn’t have wasted my energy going ballistic. Cut contact, she sounds like she’s got very different morals to you.

This doesn’t even make sense as a comparison. Of course people aren’t going to side with a family member‘s cheating partner. But no one is asking the OP to do that - so she won’t be, like, “your poor DH!” or, like, anything of the kind, will she?

I can only conclude that it’s because this is AIBU and not the relationships forum. It’s a whole different bunch of nutters people.

Relationships - an affair is basically worse than murder. If your DH has so much as a female friend he is having an emotional affair and you should kick him out and raise your standards

AIBU - let’s turn on the OP no matter what

People don’t generally cut out family members when they have an affair though, even if most disapprove, or if they are initially adamant they won’t see the new DP. Families generally stick together.

Cut him off if you want, but don’t expect that everyone else will.

The ‘society is doomed’ theory doesn’t wash either, people have been having affairs since the dawn of time. It was ever thus.

This confession has clearly upset you op, and yes I should imagine some Aunts are very much closer than other Aunts.

There isn't anything you can really do, other than inform the wife if you know who it is, and it is entirely your right to loosen your bond and show your dissaproval of her behaviour.

I should imagine she's lying about the leaving it up to him to decide, she's basically given him an ultimatum.
She must be on tenterhooks. as in the need to confide in you., she probably thinks with you being younger, you may not judge her as harshly as her peers.

If her plans don't come to fruition, don't be the one to listen to her mope, you have enough on with a toddler.

Same.

Our father left (abandoned!) us twice and had numerous affairs. The second time was nearly the end of my mother.

You’re being very dramatic and are overreacting.

A) Who made you God?

B) How is your aunt’s affair going to ruin your family Christmas? Get a grip.

I can only assume you’re bored and looking to create some entertainment but slagging off your aunt around your various family members. Please don’t. Give your aunt a wide berth while she sorts herself out. Don’t cut her off. Don’t engage. Don’t talk a about this to the rest of your family. Don’t act like an idiot.

LOL. Yes, could be.

Probably not, though.

I agree it’s not your business as with other PPs, so don’t get overly involved.

But, they have told you. As with any other “indiscretions” you have the right to have who you want in your life, and they have the right to have who they want in theirs. If this makes them someone you can’t bear to be around that’s that really, but I wouldn’t intentionally make this person feel like shit. Tell them politely you don’t feel comfortable being part of their life anymore and don’t speak of them with others, it’s not going to lead to anything productive

Are you always so judgemental?
Are you perfect? (We know you’re not, nobody is!)

|I'm with you, OP.

I wouldn't spend any more time with anyone who was that big of a scumbag.

I'd be holding them at arms length for good.

It is highly unfortunate that your relative chose to fess up to you - she has put you in an uncomfortable position and should not have done this.
It is fine to express your view on her behaviour since she has chosen to burden you with the facts. I do not think no contact is needed here - it may be that your view will influence her behaviour for the good and make her think about what she is doing. Who knows?

It's OK to be outraged by this behaviour - I think more would think twice if they felt they would be more broadly judged and people they care about might remove themselves from their lives. Unfortunately, as this thread clearly demonstrates, there is quiet, background support for affairs, wrapped up in 'no smoke without fire' and 'you have no idea what was going on behind closed doors' Frequently we seek to quietly blame the person being cheated on - I think because we assume if we're not like that, it couldn't happen to us. So you frequently hear 'she let herself go' comments, as an example.

Do what makes you comfortable.

Wow, projecting your own feelings much? You know that it's not just men that have affairs, right?