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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off a family member having an affair?

113 replies

YorkieMumma · 27/12/2022 18:06

A very close family member dropped this bombshell on me in Boxing Day, after claiming they “didn’t want to ruin Christmas” when I asked if they were seeing anyone (this was on Christmas Eve when they arrived).

This family member proceeded to tell me that they are in love (!!!) with a work colleague. They have been seeing each other for months, he is married and has two children - one of which has a life limiting medical condition.

My relative has said that they have given the guy the Christmas period to decide if he is going to leave his wife - not for them, of course, for himself. This family member is apparently not okay with having an affair and feels terrible etc, but maybe they can be together in the future once he’s divorced his wife and ruined his children’s lives.

Some more backstory. My mother, brother and aunt were all abandoned by their father when he decided he was leaving their Mum for his secretary. My grandmother was pregnant at the time. To say that my family has been impacted by the horror of infidelity is an understatement, and this family member is one of the above so this is particularly shocking.

I had to hide all of this from my Mum on Boxing Day so I wasn’t the one destroying Christmas - I have a toddler and I refused to
be the one who let all of that mar Christmas. The next day, I phoned said family member and did go absolutely ballistic. They are flitting between ending the affair in January, waiting for him to leave his wife (which we all know is an excuse for him to carry on sleeping with this family member) and maybe they will end up together in the future.

AIBU to remove this person from my life for not only having an affair, but having an affair with someone whose child is incredibly sick and won’t live very far into adulthood? I am
appalled and disgusted in every level. This family member, considering their personal experience with this situation, is honestly the last person I ever expected to have an affair. I feel like everything I thought I knew about them is wrong and they have to be sick and selfish on a whole new level to do this.

OP posts:
Tadpoll · 27/12/2022 19:22

theleafandnotthetree · 27/12/2022 19:18

I think if I had to, I'd rather hang out with the aunt than such a judgemental drama queen. How can anyone with this harsh and hardline a view even function in modern society without their head exploding?

And yet read any of the affair threads…

Puppers · 27/12/2022 19:23

I understand how you feel, OP.

You thought you knew your aunt and were close. You thought you knew what kind of person she was and you loved that person. Now you've found out something that changes all of that on a very fundamental level. It's a big shock.

It's not your place to go around bollocking her. She's an adult and is free to make her own choices. If you can't stomach her any more then I'd just take a step back from the relationship and say no more about it.

Absolutely everyone has a line in the sand in terms of behaviours that would make them rethink or abandon a relationship. If your aunt had murdered 100 people then nobody would blame you for stepping back, despite this also being a moral judgement. If you cut her off because she didn't pay her TV licence then everyone would think you were wrong. Somewhere in between the two, we all have different ideas about where our personal line is. You are allowed to decide that she isn't someone you want in your close circle.

YouJustDoYou · 27/12/2022 19:24

I’d not personally get too comfy on the moral high ground. It’s precarious at the best of times, more so when your own words suggest a love of drama and an insightless view of yourself as the upholder of rightness

No, you're right, so right - it's wrong of me to not like cheating or not understand it. I'm so ignorant, and so stupid. Of course everyone will probably cheat. Stupid me. I'm sorry to assume some people won't cheat and won't ever do it, and of course how dare I think how catastrophic the consequences of cheating are. Of course most humans will cheat, you're so, SO right. I'm so sorry for my stupid feelings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 19:25

What’s the relevance of you having a toddler?

YouJustDoYou · 27/12/2022 19:27

I'm trying to imagine a situation where a grandfather's affair would cause generational trauma. Pretty shit for the kids at the time but this is presumably many decades later and all are middle aged (at least) adults by now

No one said it caused "generational trauma". Think you're getting a bit too much of a woke word-salad hard-on with that one, lol.

ShesFlirtyTurnedThirty · 27/12/2022 19:29

I wouldn’t have a big argument over it, just distance yourself from this person if you need to.

About 5 years ago a friend told me she had been having an affair for years. I’m not sure why she told me after so long, I guess she needed to talk about it. The man also has a disabled child. I didn’t say much when she told me other than saying that she knew my thought on affairs. It did change how I seen her (she’s married with kids) and although we haven’t officially fallen out, I just stopped getting in touch with her.

Sometimes morals just don’t align and you’re not obliged to stay in touch, even with family.

Hbh17 · 27/12/2022 19:29

This is absolutely none of your business, and you have no right to sit in judgement on someone else's behaviour. Life is complicated, so perhaps you need to learn the value of acceptance.

Nirvanarama · 27/12/2022 19:31

Tadpoll · 27/12/2022 19:21

This thread is FASCINATING.

🍿 at the collective u-turn on the usual MN stance that anyone having even an emotional affair should be burned at the stake.

Lol at ‘pearl clutching’ and ‘maybe they’re in love’, as well as ‘I hope you never make any bad decisions in the future that your family judge you for’ 😂

This with bells on. Mumsnet can be so fickle.

Personally, i don't think i would have got quite so angry about it, but it would certainly change my relationship with them. I would never look at them the same way and would struggle to have anything other than necessary contact with them. It speaks volumes about their character.

Lenald · 27/12/2022 19:32

Ewllll she’s vile. YNBU

Lenald · 27/12/2022 19:33

Hbh17 · 27/12/2022 19:29

This is absolutely none of your business, and you have no right to sit in judgement on someone else's behaviour. Life is complicated, so perhaps you need to learn the value of acceptance.

Yeah, complicated for that sick kid and that man’s wife. (The one looking after the sick kid)

CoffeeBoy · 27/12/2022 19:37

I thought sister, not aunt 🤷‍♀️

but yeah I wouldn’t be cutting anyone off.

Tannedandfake · 27/12/2022 19:37

InBedBy10 · 27/12/2022 18:13

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

☝️ This!

SirVixofVixHall · 27/12/2022 19:38

Hmm well, I do judge people who are unfaithful, or who have sex with someone married with children, depending on the circumstances obviously.
I would definitely give my sibling a bollocking if they did this. Would I cut them off though ? No. I would register my disapproval and then leave it to them.
I have had friends cheat on their partners and we are still friends. Sometimes I have understood, sometimes not, but people are fallible. I have never cheated or gone out with a married man, but I have in life made other mistakes that I regret. I would probably struggle to stay friends with someone who made a habit of cheating/dating married men though, because we would be too different for a friendship to work, and I don’t think I would trust them much.
You know your Aunt, is this out of character ? I take it she is single ? She sounds infatuated. She may well look back on this with regret.

Puppers · 27/12/2022 19:40

Hbh17 · 27/12/2022 19:29

This is absolutely none of your business, and you have no right to sit in judgement on someone else's behaviour. Life is complicated, so perhaps you need to learn the value of acceptance.

Genuine question because I just don't understand this argument and it seems to be the main one that the "YABU" responses are citing: how can you have meaningful friendships with people if their fundamental character and values are none of your business? Wouldn't that just mean that relationships are based on surface stuff like them being funny or good conversationalists etc? If it's judgemental to not continue a friendship because you feel your morals are not aligned, does this mean it's wrong to base a friendship on shared values in the first place?

silverclock222 · 27/12/2022 19:56

YADNBU. Irrespective of his child and the family issues caused already by affairs I would have nothing to do with a person having an affair no matter who they are.

Nowdontmakeamess · 27/12/2022 20:02

YANBU. You have every right to feel how you do about the affair. I think cutting her off might be a bit far, but distancing yourself and not listening to her drone on about it might be a good move. The damage is already done, the husband has cheated, the marriage won’t last whatever your aunt decides now. But you don’t need to provide her with emotional support for a horrible situation she’s helped create.

LlynTegid · 27/12/2022 20:02

Your decision of course, but I think perfectly reasonable if you did so.

Assuming you did not vote for the Tories when Mr Johnson the serial adulterer was leader, in which case you are being a bit hypocritical.

DontGoBreakingMyHeart · 27/12/2022 20:11

Which click bate tabloid are you writing for?

Thing is, life is rarely black and white. It’s possible to disapprove of infidelity while at the same time acknowledging the fact that nobody is perfect.

reality is that more people have affairs than don’t, and there will be people on this thread who swear blind they would never have an affair who will at some point do exactly that.

Anyone can cut someone off for whichever reason they see fit, but all the drama and the soap-style acting just seems to me like you’re doing it more for the attention you are going to get rather than your genuine disapproval.

WandaWonder · 27/12/2022 20:23

I would not get what they are doing but I am not judge, jury nor executioner

You may be a person that needs drama but maybe take a step back?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/12/2022 20:29

maybe they can be together in the future once he’s divorced his wife and ruined his children’s lives.

Nobody is duty bound to stay unhappily married in order to not ‘ruin their children’s lives’. You sound very dramatic. Some marriages end, they should be ended in the right way, but ending them in itself is not a crime.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 27/12/2022 20:35

I'm with you op.
Not only would I cut her off, I would also make sure every member of the family knows why

Daisybuttercup12345 · 27/12/2022 20:45

You need to mind your OWN business. And calm down!

Fifi00 · 27/12/2022 20:48

Have you been cheated on OP? I can't understand the kicking off and talking about ruining Christmas. You aren't the morality police , say you don't approve but don't be making a massive song and dance about it. You don't have to be best friends just distance yourself.

Stressedmum2017 · 27/12/2022 20:51

Did you just try to claim generational trauma cos your grandad shagged his secretary 🤣
My parents had a very messy, angry divorce due to an affair when I was growing up and I think you are being so over the top it's made me laugh!

Chill out o holy one.

CheeseandGherkins · 27/12/2022 20:51

Tadpoll · 27/12/2022 19:21

This thread is FASCINATING.

🍿 at the collective u-turn on the usual MN stance that anyone having even an emotional affair should be burned at the stake.

Lol at ‘pearl clutching’ and ‘maybe they’re in love’, as well as ‘I hope you never make any bad decisions in the future that your family judge you for’ 😂

I agree. I'd started to wonder whether I'd slipped into an alternate reality until I got to your post!

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