How do you work f/t, run a house & have a social life

[MakeMineALarge1]

How do you do it?

I have recently moved into a full time role, 4x9.5 hr days back to back with nearly an hour commute either way
I am knackered, if I rest I feel guilty, if I go out on a walk or see friends I feel guilt that I am not resting or doing things in the house, if I do think sod it I am having a day resting, I feel bad that I am not walking or doing something productive

I am tying myself in knots

Why do I feel so bloody guilty about things

@UsingChangeofName it never takes me as long as I make out to do all the things I need to do
I think in all honesty I'm a bit of a martyr at times

Stop cleaning get a Cleaner

Yes I've pointed this out to him several times
I do think he struggles with time management as well

By lowering my expectations.

I work full time, as does dh. Preschooler and a dog. We have a fairly strict routine during the week and weekends loosen the controls a little. Sometimes this means not getting dressed before 10am if we're having a 'house day', and social planning means determining what/who is doing what. I socialise differently now to what I used to but I still make sure I get out.

Time on my own is my issue. It is so rare and I thrive of a little isolation to recharge my batteries.

Your days are very long and tiring, I'd find that hard, but you do have a full three days to yourself in which to fit all jobs and downtime, and only one DC who is at a relatively independent age. I think your issue is around valuing your time and not around actual time available.

Downtime is important and productive. I wouldn't function, much less be happy, because of it. And it is definitely worth scraping yourself up to spend time with friends even when it would be easier to slump in front of the TV. Momentum is cumulative, you get more done as you start to do more. I'm a fan of daily lists with absolutely everything on, including exercise and downtime for me. I blitz the dull stuff then relax with a clear conscience.

@GeneticallyModifiedGrump I'm new to role so not looking for a new job yet, the difficulty will be, finding a b7 role that doesn't include evening or weekend or nights.
These jobs are very hard to come across

I work full time, have a 9 year old and recently completed a post graduate qualification. It's the rest I have cut out so day goes 6:30am wake up, breakfast and shower before 7am when DS is woken up with toast in bed. 7-7:30 dry hair and do make up. 7:30-7:40 make sure DS is sorted. 7:40 leave and drop DS at breakfast club run into work at 8:29 for a 8:30 start. Lunch is for eating a sandwich and life admin.

Get home at 6pm do home work, drop DS at club, come home make tea and clean with DH. Pick DS up then sit down to tea, then we do dishes and sit down for maybe an hour before bed at sometime between 11pm-midnight. We are renovating a house so this is often cut out to paint a room or do some tiling.

Weekends are about clubs, fun activity like bowling etc with DS. Socialising for adults is on a evening on a weekend.

Neither me nor DH understand where people get the time to sit down or want to if we are honest.

I work 10hrs a day, 5 days a week, so does my husband. We have a cleaner, and do a food shop online. Our weekends are free to do what we want, usually out with the children, but occasionally have an afternoon or evening out with a friend. I tend to go out during the week to see friends. My husband does nursery pick ups so it’s easy for me to meet for dinner/drinks after work.

I don’t find it stressful, before children I had a very hectic job and use to be in the office by 0700 and didn’t leave until 1900 at the earliest. I now get a lay in as I do the morning nursery run and it doesn’t open until 0800. I also work from home most days so there is no commute and my job is much more flexible than it used to be. I’m probably one of the few people that gets more sleep post babies!!

Your issue is the long days and commute.

I manage just fine but i WFH 4 days a week, and work in a role with a lot of flexibility, so I often do lunches with friends in the week, saving up weekends for family time.

That might not be a popular opinion but I don't think you can.

Or you need to have a really supporting partner who does half of all the tasks and a flexible enough job.

Do you really need to work full time? can you move to a different role where you don't have to commute?

@Greenfairydust I'm very new to role
So I need to settle in first before I can look to change
I am considering asking if I can go part time ie down to 3days a week but not sure if I'd be allowed to. I'll ask. But it will depend on clinical need

@Greenfairydust there aren't many jobs in the NHS that are clinical, but don't involve night and weekend
Which is why I went into this role

Hm I think it's possible. Bit tiring obviously.

I work full time (5 days 7/8am through to anywhere between 6 and 10pm) have children and no cleaner. Trying not to make this a stealth boast but I honestly think you just get on with it. I clean at the weekend (and maintenance clean in the week), I get up early (530/6) and run one or two days a week and also both days at the weekend. Some weeks if work is crazy I don't make a run during the week but still do at the weekend.

I have a night out either with husband and/or friends probably twice a month, also do coffee or a walk sometimes with friends on a weekend morning.

Husband is pretty useful but works even longer hours than I do during the week so not THAT useful.

I know your days are obviously long and tiring but having 3 days off a week does sound like an absolute dream to me.

I am guessing maybe the things that might make my life easier are: I can work from home 2-3 days per week. Saves the commute although work hours just tend to be longer, and 2 of my children are teenagers and hence quite self sufficient.

I've recently gone back to a full-on full-time job too. Dh and I leave for work at 7:30 and get back at 6pm, 5 days a week. The answer is that we and the two teenage dc have a family housework rota which keeps the house at a vaguely acceptable level.

We don't have much of a social life (and never did, really) - weekends are mostly for chilling out. Social activities and getting the house properly civilised are for the school holidays (I'm a teacher). I don't feel remotely guilty though - that wouldn't even occur to me tbh!

Stop wasting your time feeling guilty, for a start. Waste of energy. I have a ft job, several kids, a social life, and hobbies including playing a sport pretty seriously.

I'm not particularly tidy, I don't iron, and I don't spend my time navel gazing and thinking how to make my life work...I just get on with it and it mainly does work.

I prioritise me, that's how I do it. Admittedly I do work from home, although full time. I work 10 days over 9. My day off I spend with DP. I have to go to court several days a week though and travel time can be 45 mins - 90 mins each way. Depending on the court I'm in. That does my head in at times as it seems like a waste, especially when driving. I do try to cycle commute, or take public transport. Then the travel becomes me time.

I'm an avid cyclist (I race). So I train between 7 and 15 hours a week. Cycling and racing is my headspace, stress relief, me time and something I do just for me. So I guess like socialising with friends perhaps?

I'm also elected to public office and am an active member of a political party. That probably takes 4 hours of my time a week? Again maybe like you could view socialising? It's something I schedule in and commit to and thoroughly enjoy.

I have an infant school aged child too. So I ALWAYS ensure I at least do bath time with him, have a snuggle and read to him. I also make sure he has my undivided attention the equivalent of one full day at the weekend. We always spend our hols together as a family too.

I feel no 'mum' guilt. I make a huge effort to have quality time with him.

In terms of socialising. I arrange a cafe lunch with a friend once a week. I also go to the pub once a week. I don't drink more than 2 pints, I'm home in bed by 10.30 (don't go out until I've done bedtime with DS) - I enjoy the social side.

No guilt felt anywhere! I do get tired from time to time, but I'll scale cycling back. Literally no guilt felt about putting my feet up when it's needed. I've never felt any. Even when DS was tiny and I'd go on my bike for a few hours. I've always had the philosophy and drive that if im not happy and if I don't look after myself - I suffer, my health and well-being will dip. Therefore family life suffers, I become shit grumpy mum and partner. Work suffers, I don't work well, can't think clearly and get stressed easily (work is very pressured and intense, my clients are very vulnerable).

I shan't waffle on about housework etc as that's already done. Our house isn't the cleanest, but it's always tidy and hygienic. DP certainly pulls his weight where that's concerned. We also share cooking. We do 5 school runs a week each.

Maybe it's a mindset? I did gradually move back to full time work. You've gone from 2 days to full time. Compressing hours into 4 days sounds very demanding. You certainly sound like you need to kick the guilt in the long grass and do stuff for you and accept everything else in your life benefits Literally doesn't matter what you do for yourself, as long as you enjoy it. Make sure you rank it as an equal priority to work/ family time.

Pre COVID I was struggling to find time for FT work, house and a life etc. The commute was approx one hour each way. DH works longer hours than me. I was considering reducing my hours, because I never got chance to switch my brain off. I felt completely squashed by the working week.

Then the pandemic happened and when we finally went back to the office it was hybrid working, i only go in twice per week now. It’s been a total game changer. I gain two extra hour per day (on my WFH days) and being at home means I can exercise at lunchtime, put the washing on between meetings etc. I recently had a very poorly pet with lots of vets visits, pre COVID I would have probably needed a career break/sabbatical (!) to accommodate this but with hybrid flexibility it was doable. And that’s just one example of a better work/life balance.

I also have a cleaner and do my grocery shop online.

You need to sit down and write a list of all the tasks and your husband is going to have to do half or you agree to outsource.

but even outsourcing involves management time. So the bottom line Is your husband has to accept that he will simply have to do more and have less down time

but I’ve seen enough martyred and internalised misogynistic women and their misogynistic husbands to bet good money that tour and your husband won’t do this in any meaningful way and you will bear the greater burden while the financial benefits of working are shared.

I manage just about but its really hard. I have a 10 and a 4 year old and constantly feel guilty. I outsource some stuff like cleaning/ironing and home work help. Also have had to lower my standards. Also my dh does his fair share of sickdays, parents evening, pickups etc. We try to "do our own thing" once a month but often its more. A quick dinner with a friend, a drink or a coffee.
what I struggle with is gym. I just dont prioritise it enough to go and my health is suffering for it

OP

Don't underestimate the mental and emotional fatigue the NHS gives you. It has been relentless since covid and the burn out is real. Of course it is there for other professions too, but there is a real NHS fatigue around.

I would put in a flexible request to do either 4 'normal' days or 3 long days. Or use annual leave to have a day off each week for a few weeks. Going from 2 long days to 4 is a big jump, especially if you have switched clinical areas?

Commuting to central Manchester is a pain too. Add in parking and its a real slog. That takes its toll too.

It will get easier. I was working very pt, then 4 days now full time with a teen.
If you have been pt everyone needs to adjust and realise you can’t do it all now.
Don’t feel guilty about doing nice things on a Friday.
Cleaner fortnightly, everyone tidy up for cleaner, batch cooking, less stuff, online shopping same day etc.

Lots of great ideas and I haven't read the whole thread but I would highly recommend prioritise rest / what makes you feel good. You need to look after your soul. No one is going to give you permission to do it, so you have to do it for yourself.

I changed jobs recently and had to be office based FT and when settled I could have one day WFH. Don't wait for your employer to come to you, raise it directly with them. I did this after 3 months and could articulate why I thought I could when asked.

Good luck and defo get the men folk / kids to help.

(Ps also recommend the cleaner, she is my sanity saver)

I was so happy when I went to 4 days a week work by compressing my hours. And have time for the things you mention wanting. Bulk buying works for me, its a lot easier to get things from the freezer than go to the shops. I shop on my way to or from work so it doesnt take time out of my weekend. I have a morning when I clean, but will do other jobs as I think of it - wipe down surfaces while waiting for the kettle to boil, etc. I make sure I have a day out of my 3 where I dont pressure myself to do anything. If I feel like it, ok, but I dont have to if I dont want to. I am tired at times when going out in the evenings, but make myself go because I know I will enjoy it when I see people.

Social life
Just make everything more efficient - I’ve tried to introduce my friends to other friends so I can socialise with them at one convenient time.
Only promote DCs friendships with mums that I’m friends with therefore combining a play date with a social event.
Use the art of smoke and mirrors to spend months planning a night out on the WhatsApp chat so it seems like you’ve seen everyone more than you have.
Catch up on gossip on the school run
Sit with a different work pal at lunch on a rotational basis

Exercise - weights, no cardio. 4 sets of 4 - leave immediately (socialise between the sets to maintain efficiency)

online shop - same meals every single week. Kids love this. They hate change

Cleaner - do no other cleaning in between whatsoever

Do all your online shopping, home admin, tax returns etc. while you’re at work, just minimise when someone comes in. Get promoted, become an NHS manager so you don’t have to exhaust yourself with work any
more

Kids - make sure their hobbies are exactly the same as your hobbies. Train them to never manage to sleep in their own rooms so you have a full night of quality sleep time with them

OP I absolutely think this is a lowering expectations issue, at least for a while whilst you all adjust to your new roles. Let everything go that you can, delegate or pay for help for as much as possible and don't sacrifice the top 1-2 things that keep you sane (whether exercise or friends etc)