How do you work f/t, run a house & have a social life

[MakeMineALarge1]

How do you do it?

I have recently moved into a full time role, 4x9.5 hr days back to back with nearly an hour commute either way
I am knackered, if I rest I feel guilty, if I go out on a walk or see friends I feel guilt that I am not resting or doing things in the house, if I do think sod it I am having a day resting, I feel bad that I am not walking or doing something productive

I am tying myself in knots

Why do I feel so bloody guilty about things

and DH is hands on.

Well that’s bollocks I think.
I think some of it comes down to “running a house”, which phrase to me is evocative of Downton Abbey 😉

You have 3 days a week off. And I know that’s not because you’re part time! But it’s 3 days. It doesn’t take 3 days a week every week to do housework and maintenance DIY. I expect it’s more that a feeling of it being never ending makes you feel tired, which in turn makes you feel like not going out socially… and just becomes a vicious circle. It’s not never ending if you can get into a mindset of “right, that’s enough” (on the housework for example) I’m off out. If you have to, allocate one of the 3 days for all things essential for running of house - then give yourself permission to say fuck it next day - to lounge around and then have a social night out.

I work 45hpw from home with maybe one day a week in the offic, which helps keep on top of washing etc.

I'm a single parent. Kids stay with their dad 1 night during week and one at weekend
Sports and training fall on my nights with the kids, always have done. I've explained to ex that I'm snowed under but he doesn't help me.

I rely too much on easy meals and it's getting me down I have to admit.

Friendship wise, a coffee date every week or so with a different friend. Before pandemic I had a night out every couple of months if I was lucky, but this is increasing now because kids are at secondary and university and can be left at home.

I'm firmly bottom of the pile and this has to change... diet and exercise in need of a massive overhaul.

Outsource what you can, meet friends in evening.

lower standards, I don't iron or clean much.

I get up at 5am to workout

What time do you go to bed?

I'm guessing you are NHS staff too with you mentioning a clinic?

Found Full T very hard. No downtime at all. My mother quite elderly too. I changed job last year. We less stressed now. Full T is difficult.

Eeww surely you can do towels and bedding more often if you wfh?

I work FT and am studying a Master's level apprenticeship. I have two DC of primary age. I am an exercise junkie and have a social life.

It works because:

1. I have a cleaner once a week.
2. I prioritise and triage. Sleep is important. So is my relationship and my health. Non-urgent stuff stays undone if the alternative is pushing myself too far.
3. I can WFH 50%. I exercise at lunchtime or when I'd otherwise be doing my commute home. Exercise helps hugely with keeping energy levels up. When I go to the office I go in early so I can leave early.
4. socialising is important to us as a couple, so we often socialise alongside our DC with friends who have DC or else we cover each other so we can see our own friends.
5. Most importantly, DH is an equal partner. He does everything I do in the home and he does bedtime one night a week so I can study and takes the kids out on the weekend if I have a uni assignment I need to do.

4 days a week isn’t full time though is it? I’ve switched to 4 days a week and I would describe myself as part time now.

I still don’t have time to do everything but I have a toddler and another baby due in a few weeks. With just a 14 year old I’d expect it to be easier (but that may be wishful thinking!)

4 days a week isn’t full time though is it?

It is if you do the hours OP does!

oh & the rare weeks I manage to fit a lot in, I'm knackered!

I do 9.5 hr shifts, 30 mins for lunch, therefore my shift is 10 hrs long, its nearly an hour commute there and back - hence doing 48 hrs in 4 days - please tell me how you can say that isn't full fucking time - even without the commute that is still full time

Thank you !

YEs I am NHS

Mix of low standards of tidiness at times, 'smart tidying', and bribing the kids to do their bit 😬

I'll stagger biggish jobs, so e.g. mop floors and change bed sheets one week, clean windows the next, wipe down kitchen cupboards and skirting boards next etc etc and things like putting random shit that accumulates downstairs on the bottom on the stairs in a basket and the rule is everytime someone goes up they take it up and get their stuff out of it.

I also have a thing where everytime I open a tat drawer for something, something useless in it gets binned so it reduces clutter rather than having to do full scale clearouts.

Mostly tho....yea...its low standards 🤣

Sorry, 7-7 is a fairly short day for me so clearly I’ve lost sight of what’s reasonable!

Sorry, I meant 9.5 hours work, not 7-7!

It isn't the lenght of the shift that is the problem, I used to do 7 - 7.30 shifts - but I only did 2 a week, so keeping on top of everything wasn't an issue, I know do slightly shorter shifts, but double the amount
However the time I have spend on this thread, I could have done some more work haha, maybe I need to be a bit more disciplined

Sorry, I meant 9.5 hours work

A short day? 😆

That wouldn't be doable for many certainly not myself anyway. So i think you do well coping with all of that.
I agree with what another poster said, about not always wanting to do things but it's what you need sometimes.
I have only been thinking the same myself recently, that despite my weight also adding to it, that i don't look for and buy clothing etc in the same way anymore. Because my circumstances (having a DC) age etc have changed my inspiration, in that my mindset is different now because I am not younger child free, looking at things I can wear on nights out lol.

I do have to push myself to do things too, it's like having to take action to feel motivated if you get what i mean.

I'm struggling to see how you find enough "cleaning" then "cleaning and shopping" to fill 2 full days

You've only got one dc, who is clearly old enough to pull their weight, and you are all presumably out of the house 5 days a week.

I mean, I'm a big fan of getting a cleaner - it is the best money I spend each week - but in all the years we didn't have a cleaner, we both woth, and we had 3 small dc to entertain, look after, ferry to and from places, with all the extra laundry etc that produces, I can confidently say I have NEVER spent those hours on housework.

The issue here seems to be that you struggle to justify to yourself carving out any "me time" to relax in whatever way you prefer, rather than there not being the time in the week. Plus, of course, any change takes a while to get used to.

It's doable, I've been doing it for over 15 years! I get up ridiculously early, shower and do makeup/hair before kids get up. Every morning before work the downstairs of the house is hoovered, bathroom upstairs gets cleaned and also the downstairs loo.
All surfaces are wiped. I am in the office by 8am.
It means we come home to a clean house and I'm not worried about doing it at night when I'm ferrying kids to their activities.
When the kids where little if I wanted to go out my husband stayed home and I obviously did the same for him. We rarely went out together for a while. Kids are older now so we can leave them at home in the evening for a few hours if we want to go out together.
I think your problem is the commute and the four long days, it would probably be easier to do five shorter days if you're struggling? But that means an extra two hours commuting so probably not beneficial either!
Can you find a similar job closer to home, that seems the most sensible solution to me!

@MakeMineALarge1 - when you said your DH can’t do his share as he’s snowed under at work, you do realize you’re making up for his poor boundaries, don’t you? If the higher management can’t put additional people in place, he should do his bit and no more and not move that burden onto you!