Page 4 | To say that if it wasn’t for DILs…

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 27/12/2022 09:19

My dh gets his own but always last minute

But at least he does.

He is actually getting a bit better with age in that respect

He has other failings tho 😂

10HailMarys · 27/12/2022 09:43

Sorry, but if you chose a man who can’t function as an independent adult within a relationship, that’s your problem, and has nothing to do with his mother. Grow up.

Original poster

Iwanttoslowdown · 27/12/2022 09:53

Interesting range of responses. There is no FIL in our lives so hence why only MIL focus.

For years and years I did all of that MiL stuff and then I stopped with it all. But it wasn’t just the Christmas and birthday cards it was all of it - arranging the visits, sending the pictures, having the long conversations about the kids with MIL - all of that. And with me withdrawing from this role, I do think impacted on my children's relationship with their GM (my OHs mum) because there was so much less contact.

And I think that as soon as we had kids thats where I noticed that I was with someone that just didn’t see what it took to run a household. It wasn’t even intentional but he just didn’t see it, didn’t know that things like this needed to be done. And there was a summit point where this stuff became completely overwhelming and I had to literally spell out all these micro tasks because they were all landing on my shoulders - doctors and dentist appointments, cutting fingernails, changing sheets/towels/tea towels/scourers, endless nursery and school admin (they would always always call me), arranging play dates, after school activities, goodness it was endless.

For all those that are saying I picked badly or DILs turn into MILs, and that their lives with your OH is perfectly and completely equal I’m really glad that you don’t have this burden and that somehow you escaped this. But I didn’t. And I still think a lot of women just step into this role unthinking and manage these tricky relationships and do all the stuff that goes with it and the cycle just continues.

OP posts:

noworklifebalance · 27/12/2022 10:04

Iwanttoslowdown · 27/12/2022 09:53

Interesting range of responses. There is no FIL in our lives so hence why only MIL focus.

For years and years I did all of that MiL stuff and then I stopped with it all. But it wasn’t just the Christmas and birthday cards it was all of it - arranging the visits, sending the pictures, having the long conversations about the kids with MIL - all of that. And with me withdrawing from this role, I do think impacted on my children's relationship with their GM (my OHs mum) because there was so much less contact.

And I think that as soon as we had kids thats where I noticed that I was with someone that just didn’t see what it took to run a household. It wasn’t even intentional but he just didn’t see it, didn’t know that things like this needed to be done. And there was a summit point where this stuff became completely overwhelming and I had to literally spell out all these micro tasks because they were all landing on my shoulders - doctors and dentist appointments, cutting fingernails, changing sheets/towels/tea towels/scourers, endless nursery and school admin (they would always always call me), arranging play dates, after school activities, goodness it was endless.

For all those that are saying I picked badly or DILs turn into MILs, and that their lives with your OH is perfectly and completely equal I’m really glad that you don’t have this burden and that somehow you escaped this. But I didn’t. And I still think a lot of women just step into this role unthinking and manage these tricky relationships and do all the stuff that goes with it and the cycle just continues.

Whilst I don’t agree with you that it’s necessarily the MIL’s fault, I do agree with your above post. I think, in more recent times, a lot of this starts during maternity leave where the father may return to work after 2 weeks but the mother stays at home for a year.
The pattern of behaviour is then set and it maybe only a few years down the line - perhaps when a second child arrives and that period of mat leave is over - that you suddenly realise the division of labour and mental load is not proportionate.

scooobie · 27/12/2022 10:09

I won’t do it. DH fucks it up every year but that’s his issue.

Women need to stop mollycoddling their husbands if they want these progressive gender roles that they claim they do.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 27/12/2022 10:10

Beamur · 26/12/2022 23:43

I have never bought my PIL birthday presents or organised their cards. That's their son's responsibility.
I do buy them gifts from myself 😁 Christmas is a bit of a joint effort.

So you and your partner each buy 'separate' presents for his parents?? Why?? I find that strange. I have an amazing relationship with my PiL, especially MiL (way better than with my DM) but all presents are from us as a couple.

Ohnotheydidnt · 27/12/2022 10:12

MIL and FIL did an amazing job raising my DH

Itsthewhitehat · 27/12/2022 10:27

Iwanttoslowdown · 27/12/2022 09:53

Interesting range of responses. There is no FIL in our lives so hence why only MIL focus.

For years and years I did all of that MiL stuff and then I stopped with it all. But it wasn’t just the Christmas and birthday cards it was all of it - arranging the visits, sending the pictures, having the long conversations about the kids with MIL - all of that. And with me withdrawing from this role, I do think impacted on my children's relationship with their GM (my OHs mum) because there was so much less contact.

And I think that as soon as we had kids thats where I noticed that I was with someone that just didn’t see what it took to run a household. It wasn’t even intentional but he just didn’t see it, didn’t know that things like this needed to be done. And there was a summit point where this stuff became completely overwhelming and I had to literally spell out all these micro tasks because they were all landing on my shoulders - doctors and dentist appointments, cutting fingernails, changing sheets/towels/tea towels/scourers, endless nursery and school admin (they would always always call me), arranging play dates, after school activities, goodness it was endless.

For all those that are saying I picked badly or DILs turn into MILs, and that their lives with your OH is perfectly and completely equal I’m really glad that you don’t have this burden and that somehow you escaped this. But I didn’t. And I still think a lot of women just step into this role unthinking and manage these tricky relationships and do all the stuff that goes with it and the cycle just continues.

Bizarre.

You met him, moved in, married him and had a child with him but didn’t notice he was useless and this is your Mils fault?

You didn’t have kids before you had them. You knew they needed clothes and dentists and clean sheets and finger nails cutting. You had to learn how to take care of a child. But somehow, it’s his mothers fault, that he didn’t pay attention and learn the basic needs of a child?

You are making excuses for him ‘he doesn’t do it on purpose he just doesn’t realise kids need clothes and cleans sheets and a dentist’.

You chose to take on the role as gift buyer, arranger and make excuses as to why he can’t do it. You did it as a favour to him. Yet blaming your MIL.

Your husband is an adult. There’s no ‘I just didn’t know I needed to visit my mum with the kids or they needed clean sheets or a dentist’ You think you mil allowed him to be like this, But you are doing exactly what you are complaining about. Making excuses for him.

Put the blame where it needs to be. The person who can’t behave like a responsible adult. And take some responsibility for putting up with it and making excuses for him.

Sounds like you are generally fed up with him, so blaming her.

GeorgeorRuth · 27/12/2022 10:28

A quarter of families in the UK are headed by a single parent, 90% of those are mothers so although it is easy to say 'where are the fathers' like it or not there's a lot of women bringing up sons to perpetuate this.
The vast majority of MILs were DILs.

Choose partners carefully, not accepting partners who don't do 'adult'. Leave those who are shite 'on the shelf'. Don't act the martyr. Expect more from men. Maybe more men should have the DC on separation, maintenance issues might become more political if it impacts on them!
It's easy and lazy to blame MILs.
Although MN would implode if there weren't useless men as partners and Fathers

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 27/12/2022 10:30

It's not usually the dads who then turn on the sons partners and blame them for the sons failings that's the difference. ..it's usually mils!!

And yes I plugged gaps and invited etc and was still demonsed I don't bother now

yadaya · 27/12/2022 10:32

Nope.
DH buys presents and cards for his parents, sisters and nephews.
We host them for Christmas and he does most of the cooking.
His visits them regularly DS and definitely takes the lead in maintaining the relationship with his family.

I know there are men out there like you describe but they're to be avoided like the plague in my opinion. I'd rather be single!

FancyFelix · 27/12/2022 10:34

Iwanttoslowdown · 27/12/2022 09:53

Interesting range of responses. There is no FIL in our lives so hence why only MIL focus.

For years and years I did all of that MiL stuff and then I stopped with it all. But it wasn’t just the Christmas and birthday cards it was all of it - arranging the visits, sending the pictures, having the long conversations about the kids with MIL - all of that. And with me withdrawing from this role, I do think impacted on my children's relationship with their GM (my OHs mum) because there was so much less contact.

And I think that as soon as we had kids thats where I noticed that I was with someone that just didn’t see what it took to run a household. It wasn’t even intentional but he just didn’t see it, didn’t know that things like this needed to be done. And there was a summit point where this stuff became completely overwhelming and I had to literally spell out all these micro tasks because they were all landing on my shoulders - doctors and dentist appointments, cutting fingernails, changing sheets/towels/tea towels/scourers, endless nursery and school admin (they would always always call me), arranging play dates, after school activities, goodness it was endless.

For all those that are saying I picked badly or DILs turn into MILs, and that their lives with your OH is perfectly and completely equal I’m really glad that you don’t have this burden and that somehow you escaped this. But I didn’t. And I still think a lot of women just step into this role unthinking and manage these tricky relationships and do all the stuff that goes with it and the cycle just continues.

I've been through exactly the same with my DH and PILs. They are massively frustrated with the lack of contact with us, with poor communication and with what they see as us being difficult, but it's all because they raised their son not to prioritise any of if and I've downed tools with regards to his family.

I'm sure they see it as his evil wife turning him against them, but it really isn't. I'll admit that they drive me crazy and I don't actively want to spend time with them, but I would never stop him arranging something with them. They have just stayed in my house for 4 nights, I'm awaiting my sainthood. Tellingly, they invited themselves.

I'm very open with them every time they contact me because he's ignoring them: "Sorry, DH is sorting this out, you'll have to talk to him"

The patriarchal bullshit drives me crazy. My MIL thinks all the stuff you've listed here is my responsibility. I work full time and bring in far more cash than her precious son, but even if I was like her and worked 2 days a week in term time only I still wouldn't be spending my time dealing with someone else's family. I'm not a fucking doormat, she seems to think I exist as no more than a facilitator to manage her access to the GC and coordinate family birthdays and Christmas presents.

I agree with the OP. It really worries me though, I have sons and I'm trying really hard to raise them properly but my DH is setting a shitty example for them. I try to point it out to them whenever the opportunity arises and to model decent behaviour with my own parents but it does make me despair a little for the future.

Brefugee · 27/12/2022 10:35

And in return, MIL have generally given us their sons that

misogynistic twaddle since every child also has a father (ok if she was a genuinely single parent, sure, but most aren't)

DILs can choose whether they take on this work or not. I didn't (my DH has never ever expected me to, he is perfectly capable of doing all the things i do and vice versa)

MerryShitemas · 27/12/2022 10:36

Iwanttoslowdown · 27/12/2022 09:53

Interesting range of responses. There is no FIL in our lives so hence why only MIL focus.

For years and years I did all of that MiL stuff and then I stopped with it all. But it wasn’t just the Christmas and birthday cards it was all of it - arranging the visits, sending the pictures, having the long conversations about the kids with MIL - all of that. And with me withdrawing from this role, I do think impacted on my children's relationship with their GM (my OHs mum) because there was so much less contact.

And I think that as soon as we had kids thats where I noticed that I was with someone that just didn’t see what it took to run a household. It wasn’t even intentional but he just didn’t see it, didn’t know that things like this needed to be done. And there was a summit point where this stuff became completely overwhelming and I had to literally spell out all these micro tasks because they were all landing on my shoulders - doctors and dentist appointments, cutting fingernails, changing sheets/towels/tea towels/scourers, endless nursery and school admin (they would always always call me), arranging play dates, after school activities, goodness it was endless.

For all those that are saying I picked badly or DILs turn into MILs, and that their lives with your OH is perfectly and completely equal I’m really glad that you don’t have this burden and that somehow you escaped this. But I didn’t. And I still think a lot of women just step into this role unthinking and manage these tricky relationships and do all the stuff that goes with it and the cycle just continues.

'Spell out the micro tasks'? You figured out they needed doing, why couldn't he? Is he in some way impaired? Bet you it is intentional. He's taken the piss

Brefugee · 27/12/2022 10:44

FWIW: my DD2 is in her mid twenties and has spent the last few years telling me about several of her friends who are in (some have moved on thank goodness) live-in relationships where they do all the "wife work" and one or two of them are blind to the fact that they have twats for partners (one said to her "but when you have a relationship you'll understand" to which her answer has always been "each of my parents sees what needs doing and does it, regardless")

One of her friends who was burnt like this, moved out and binned the boyfriend. She now has a new boyfriend (over 18 months) who wants them to move in together. He lives with his mum, so she's told him she wants him to move out and live on his own for long enough to learn what it means to live as an adult with no servants. And then, and only then, when she sees he can handle it, will she think about moving in. And I was so happy to hear that.

Beamur · 27/12/2022 10:45

Georgeandzippyzoo · 27/12/2022 10:10

So you and your partner each buy 'separate' presents for his parents?? Why?? I find that strange. I have an amazing relationship with my PiL, especially MiL (way better than with my DM) but all presents are from us as a couple.

Show quote history

Strange? Strange that couples do gifts differently on an internet forum asking for opinions. Stranger perhaps to assume everyone does the same as you do.
Maybe if I rephrase my answer, you might find it less odd.
I take no responsibility for birthday presents. DH buys, sends etc but signs it from us all.
Christmas we both share the effort in ideas and purchases and give the gifts, they're not labelled from me or DH.
All purchases are from a joint bank account so always 'from' both of us, I just don't take on the mental load for everything.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/12/2022 10:46

Just because your husband is crap doesn’t mean most men are. Don’t judge on your low standards.

SeenAndNot · 27/12/2022 10:47

No, my DH does everything for his side of the family.

My brother however needs reminding.

dworky · 27/12/2022 10:50

While DIL's are facilitating, it's never going to change, is it?

FlowerLilyFix · 27/12/2022 10:50

Pterrydactyl · 26/12/2022 23:38

Depends on the son, really.

DH drives almost all of the PIL interaction in our family. He’s very proactive with gifts, cards, planning visits etc to his parents.

He has his faults, but delegating his parents to me isn’t one of them.

This is amazing. Mine would forget everything!

Sprogonthetyne · 27/12/2022 11:01

I made a point of never sorting the gifts to DH's side of the family, as a result they get rubbish ill though out gifts, bought I the week before Christmas, and frequently get birthday presents a week late (after he's seen Facebook), if at all. I'm pretty sure I'm the one getting judged for this, but fuck it, I'm not taking on that task, and as you point out, they're the ones who raised an inconsiderate man-child.

Brefugee · 27/12/2022 11:01

my brother is useless at keeping in touch with his mother. I see her more and do more for her, and i live in a different country while he's about an hour down the road.

She does have a moan to me that her DIL didn't send her a birthday/christmas card/present and i say "it isn't up to her, she has her own mother" (sore subject: by brother's MIL lives on the same street and they do a lot with her. Which enrages me but there it is.)

I do worry a lot about my poor mum and her bloody son, but there you have it: same upbringing (my parents have a very strong sense of familial duty) but my brother and i are completely different in that respect. He's an absolute fucker (I do love him but he exasperates me)

So: not entirely down to his's wife's MIL at all. It is solely down to him.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/12/2022 11:01

WandaWonder · 26/12/2022 23:36

Well if it doesn't say much about DILs taste in men

Exactly.

Until women stop selecting shit men (and providing sex, housekeeping, admin, money and children to them despite their major flaws) the cycle will be perpetuated.

Westernesse · 27/12/2022 11:04

Women are obsessed with cards, gifts, family gatherings etc.

Men are less interested in that stuff.

There are plenty of things that men are interested in that women are generally not interested in.

why is it deemed a fault for men not to be as invested in certain things as women? If they are so invested they can deal with it themselves and if they are not then they can stop dealing with it, and not make it the responsibility of others.

Brefugee · 27/12/2022 11:10

Women are obsessed with cards, gifts, family gatherings etc.

get to fuck

Men are less interested in that stuff.

with this sexist

There are plenty of things that men are interested in that women are generally not interested in.

and frankly pathetically outdated bollocks

it is a matter of social conventions and paying attention to your own family, not shoving it off on your staff/wife. It is about manners, not liking stuff. I simply CBA with cards and whatever so i don't do it. My DH sends a card to his siblings because he wants to. My mum cares about cards so i send her one. That is it.