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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if it wasn’t for DILs…

107 replies

Iwanttoslowdown · 26/12/2022 23:34

Most MILs darling sons would not:

Receive Birthday cards / presents
Receive Christmas cards / present
Invitations for Christmas or any other family event
Have much of a relationship with their Grandchildren

And in return, MIL have generally given us their sons that

Think there is a towel fairy
And a diary that orders Christmas presents and send cards
And a fairy that responds to endless messages from school
And a patience fairy for said MIL who expects all of the as above

The End.

OP posts:
Morestrangethings · 27/12/2022 08:09

I’m a mil. Maybe take a closer look at your fil. Role modelling is a powerful force.

Oysterbabe · 27/12/2022 08:11

It's certainly not that way in my house. His family is his responsibility. Mine is mine.
This situation only occurs if you allow it too.

DarkNecessities · 27/12/2022 08:15

Total crap and why is this the MILs fault?
It’s the wife’s and partners if these men that facilitate this behaviour.

I’m a DiL and I have a MiL
I’m also a MiL and have DiL

Both DH & DS sort this stuff out themselves

SpongeBob2022 · 27/12/2022 08:16

I do think it's true that in the majority of relationships, even when the balance of housework and childcare etc appear equal, the 'mental load' is taken on by the woman. e.g. my DH and I do equal proportions of childcare during the holidays but I'll admit it's me who takes on the role of planning the schedule to do so.

I also think it's a bit ironic that the MIL example has raised a son who fails to sort out tea towels and texts for school but the DW is then potentially setting the same example for their DS that the woman buys the presents etc. but doesn't recognise it.

But then this seems like I'm blaming the women, which is absolutely an issue in itself...aggh!

SpongeBob2022 · 27/12/2022 08:23

I also think in relation to the comments about 'not allowing' and 'not enabling' this behaviour...

I think this just shows that at some point the expectation is on the woman by default...but that they've addressed this...which is absolutely right and the only way to break the cycle but still does say something about society in itself.

RewildingAmbridge · 27/12/2022 08:24

Raise your bar, I would never have married such a left, selfish, inconsiderate man

RewildingAmbridge · 27/12/2022 08:25

*lazy

Purplechicken207 · 27/12/2022 08:28

I do a fair chunk of this, but personally I'm OK with it because he does a load of things I can't/won't. We each play to our strengths and find that works well for us.

He would remember his family birthdays etc, a day or two late (because he remembers but then gets caught up in other things), and would then send gifts etc. I just prod him a week or two before (they live hours away so usually posted) and if relevant drop some gift ideas (because his mum likes some of the same things as me). I'm clueless with his other family gift ideas though. And he always, without fail, gets and wraps gifts etc for me.

Peasepuddingbloodycold · 27/12/2022 08:30

Contentious first post, OP doesn’t return.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/12/2022 08:32

DuplicateUserName · Today 00:23

“What a pile of sexist old shite.”

👏👏👏

ShandaLear · 27/12/2022 08:37

You just have a shitty DH. My DP and I just go out together a few weeks before and buy all the gifts in a day. He also does all the organising for visits etc to his family as I do for mine. I do keep separate contact with my two SILs but that’s just because we get along very well and sometimes do separate stuff together. My DP also does his fair share of the cooking and cleaning - though I do more of the cooking and he does more of the bins.

TheYummyPatler · 27/12/2022 08:39

My MIL has to take her chances with her son, because I’m certainly not buying her anything. I don’t even see or talk to the woman. That’s because she’s a truly awful person though. Since I met her son, she’s chosen to treat me with open contempt and behaved dreadfully. So screw her.

It’s not an I don’t like MILs thing. My first MIL was (is) a lovely woman. I will count her as a good friend for the rest of my life.

Remmy123 · 27/12/2022 08:40

My husband goes to town with his mum and dads present -I have no input

Barnowl25 · 27/12/2022 08:40

DH sorts presents/cards for his family. If he doesn't they get nothing. DS organises for us and his sister.

Heronwatcher · 27/12/2022 08:44

I genuinely don’t know the dates of my other half’s family’s birthdays. And have never bought a single Christmas present for any of them (and to be clear I like them). It simply would not occur to me that it is my job to deal with that. Equally I don’t think he knows my side of the family’s birthdays and I don’t think it would occur to him to be responsible for presents for them. So not in all cases.

bellinisurge · 27/12/2022 08:44

We organise separately for our respective families. I would simply refuse to if he didn't do his. As for grandkids. That continues to be a joint operation

Cornettoninja · 27/12/2022 08:50

Er no, I’m not managing another adults family relationships. I’m also not bypassing their responsibility to function as an adult to someone who raised them. You’re a child for a short time, any gaps in upbringing have more than adequate time to be realised and sorted out by a competent person.

If this is how you’re living your life you’re a mug.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 27/12/2022 08:52

After 20 years together, I couldn't tell you any of my in-laws birthdays. I've never needed to know them, because DH has always remembered them and send cards and presents. MIL visited yesterday, and he did all in the cleaning in advance, and all the cooking, glass filling etc, on the day.

He's never expected anything from me WRT his family except that I treat them with respect and kindness.

Ledkr · 27/12/2022 08:56

This oes exist in some families yes. But as long as women accept and go along with this there will.always be a load of daughters who think this is the norm so the cycle continues.
As long as we continue to inantise men we will have men who expect women to do all this shit.
Seriously so depressing.
If you didn't buy all the family presents he'd have to face them with none so would probably buy them yhe following year.

noworklifebalance · 27/12/2022 08:57

Awrite · 26/12/2022 23:40

Nice that women are to blame for the failings of men.

Yes to this. Where is the mention of the the FILs’ roles in raising sons?

Alexandernevermind · 27/12/2022 09:02

I think some of you need to set the bar higher. You realise that behind the "incapable" man is a woman enabling the incapable / lazy behaviour? Too many woman have martyr syndrome and run around thinking if they don't do x, y or z it won't get done, whereas they just need to learn the art of delegation.

swedex · 27/12/2022 09:05

Teach your son to do his fair share and it wouldn't happen..make sure your dh models the behaviour

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 27/12/2022 09:09

Due to having a crappy dad growing up and a doormat mother, my dh has thankfully carved out his own path. He knows how NOT to do stuff in other words.

So it’s me that’s shit at present buying, Christmas organising, childcare and diary planning. Dh does all of that stuff.

No one would get anything or get fed in our house if it were left to me.
Im genuinely grateful to have such a great person looking after us all. This with no thanks to the Pil.

astralpiano · 27/12/2022 09:10

Iwanttoslowdown · 26/12/2022 23:34

Most MILs darling sons would not:

Receive Birthday cards / presents
Receive Christmas cards / present
Invitations for Christmas or any other family event
Have much of a relationship with their Grandchildren

And in return, MIL have generally given us their sons that

Think there is a towel fairy
And a diary that orders Christmas presents and send cards
And a fairy that responds to endless messages from school
And a patience fairy for said MIL who expects all of the as above

The End.

Nah you married the wrong bloke.

theremustonlybeone · 27/12/2022 09:16

Sadly outdated attitudes like that still exist. My DH was always late with sending cards to his family but was good with presents. However I didn’t get a birthday card from the outlaws one year - a bit random but it turns out the outlaws were angry that fil didn’t get a birthday card 4 weeks earlier. Turns out that was my fault as in their family it’s woman that is responsible!

after that they got shit presents from there son as he was pissed off and that was my fault too ….