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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if it wasn’t for DILs…

107 replies

Iwanttoslowdown · 26/12/2022 23:34

Most MILs darling sons would not:

Receive Birthday cards / presents
Receive Christmas cards / present
Invitations for Christmas or any other family event
Have much of a relationship with their Grandchildren

And in return, MIL have generally given us their sons that

Think there is a towel fairy
And a diary that orders Christmas presents and send cards
And a fairy that responds to endless messages from school
And a patience fairy for said MIL who expects all of the as above

The End.

OP posts:
evemillbank · 27/12/2022 00:07

I don't do any of that stuff so it doesn't apply for us.

ODFOx · 27/12/2022 00:09

After my divorce my exPIL were astonished and thrilled that they saw their GC regularly when they hadn't before.
My ex wasn't a great son.
My DH, however, in spite of the fact that he has no legal or blood relationship with them beyond being the step father of the ILs Grandchildren, spends more time in their company than their own son did, helps them with DIY jobs, goes to local cricket matches with exFIL , facilitates me supporting them with medical appointments, legal appointments etc.
Some sons are not great ones and are neither interested nor capable of maintains a family relationship.

Rosebel · 27/12/2022 00:15

DH used to expect me 5do presents for his side of the family and I did until one day I just thought why the fuck am I doing this for him? So I stopped and told him to sort it out.
MIL doesn't get invited to some things that my parents do purely because I ask them and he doesn't.
I do cook if MIL comes round and I do encourage DH to invite her round or take the kids round but it's up to him if he does or not.

saraclara · 27/12/2022 00:19

My late DH did all that stuff. He loved his parents, so of course he bought their gifts, sent cards, made sure our kids had a great relationship with them.

It's a lazy trope to say that men don't, and that is their MIL's fault. Frankly, if anyone's to blame for those jobs being relegated to the wife or partner, it's the wife or partner who lets it happen or who actually wants that control.

saraclara · 27/12/2022 00:21

...men don't, and that is their MIL's fault.

That it's their mothers' fault, rather.

DuplicateUserName · 27/12/2022 00:23

What a pile of sexist old shite.

Don't turn yourself into a doormat and no-one can wipe their feet on you.

And that goes for male and female.

Natty13 · 27/12/2022 00:35

Being a fairy is a choice. HTH.

I am outnumbered by men in my family and am on my second husband and this isn't my expectation of how men are at all. Raise your bar and stop being salty that you picked a crap one and enable laziness.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2022 00:40

Sounds like my taste in men has turned out better than yours.

Most MILs darling sons would not:
Receive Birthday cards / presents
Receive Christmas cards / present
I assume you mean their sons would send / they wouldn't receive. DH has always brought his own cards off us for his parents. If it's mother's day I get hera Nanny card cos it's something my family do but his don't. He also gets and Wraps her presents, and mine.
Invitations for Christmas or any other family event I'll concede I "invite" her but if we split she'd follow the kids go to DH
Have much of a relationship with their Grandchildren Well hse visits weekends when he's home. She loves him nearly as much as her GC and me so she'd still visit

And in return, MIL have generally given us their sons that
hink there is a towel fairy
Nope. SStopped over his before we lived together. Wouldn't have moved in with a slob and wouldn't have married someone who became one upon cohabitation.
And a diary that orders Christmas presents and send cards
And a fairy that responds to endless messages from school ill concede tvst point but I'm a SAHP and he's not
And a patience fairy for said MIL who expects all of the as above also sounds like my MIL is nicer than yours. And thinks I'm awesome.

Sorry OP, better luck next time.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2022 00:42

ODFOx · 27/12/2022 00:09

After my divorce my exPIL were astonished and thrilled that they saw their GC regularly when they hadn't before.
My ex wasn't a great son.
My DH, however, in spite of the fact that he has no legal or blood relationship with them beyond being the step father of the ILs Grandchildren, spends more time in their company than their own son did, helps them with DIY jobs, goes to local cricket matches with exFIL , facilitates me supporting them with medical appointments, legal appointments etc.
Some sons are not great ones and are neither interested nor capable of maintains a family relationship.

You definitely upgraded, what a lovely man you have. Does he have a brother for OP?

Quincythequince · 27/12/2022 00:43

Awrite · 26/12/2022 23:40

Nice that women are to blame for the failings of men.

This! A thousand times!
A Man is pathetic and incompetent and yet a woman is to blame.

Bore off OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2022 00:43

Nimbostratus100 · 26/12/2022 23:41

Well, I hope I have raised my sons better than to waste time and money and energy sending me Christmas or birthday cards. If that suddenly started happening I would be very disappointed

You be disappointed in your children showing their advection for someone by buying them a present?

MerryShitemas · 27/12/2022 00:47

I feel a bit sorry for op. There are so many sexist women like this who simultaneously blame their MILs for how crap their husbands are and then continue to enable crap behaviour, presumably modelling sexist shite to any kids they have. It's really sad that they chose to breed with crap men and think it's the best they could do

Noonesperfect · 27/12/2022 01:33

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/12/2022 23:42

Most MILs darling sons would not:
Receive Birthday cards / presents
Receive Christmas cards / present

Eh? So the sons would no longer receive cards or presents from their own mums/rest of their family if their wives didn't intervene???

Yes I don't get this either Hmm

Nimbostratus100 · 27/12/2022 07:25

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2022 00:43

You be disappointed in your children showing their advection for someone by buying them a present?

Show quote history

No. I would be disappointed to receive any sort of card from any of generic, time-of-the-year card them, ever. Pointless, meaningless, waste of time and money and environmentally damaging.

A personal letter/ notelet at a difficult time or a special occasion, lovely. Although these days more likely to be a picture and message on whatsapp, isnt it. A thoughtful gift because they think I will like it, also lovely. Not just "oh no! look at the date! better but something/anything in wrapping paper and deliver it to mum"

bestchristmasever · 27/12/2022 07:30

What a load of nonsense.

I don't recognise my son in that at all.

Itsthewhitehat · 27/12/2022 07:34

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/12/2022 23:42

Most MILs darling sons would not:
Receive Birthday cards / presents
Receive Christmas cards / present

Eh? So the sons would no longer receive cards or presents from their own mums/rest of their family if their wives didn't intervene???

This confused me too.

I guess that’s not what Op meant though.

It amazes me that people forget the Dils often become MILs. Apparently, once your son gets married you go from being the person that should be praised for putting loads of effort in, to being responsible for the son failings and making his wife miserable.

BCBird · 27/12/2022 07:38

I think this is true re presents etc. I've lost count of the amount of times friends have moaned their sister in law had not sent this or that to which I remind them it is not the sister- in law's responsibility.

20viona · 27/12/2022 07:40

@Iwanttoslowdown spot on!

thewinterwitch · 27/12/2022 07:45

Oh, get off the cross, we need the wood.

At some point, hard as it seems to imagine, MILs were also DILs. And at some point, most DILs will become someone's MIL.

LizzieSiddal · 27/12/2022 07:55

My Dh believed in all those fairies when I met him. I made it very clear, very quickly that in my world those fairies did not exist. Thankfully, for him, he was appalled at what a lazy twat he’d been and changed his behaviour pretty darn quickly. I then had no hesitation in marrying him.

If any man, when you point out his laziness and entitlement, doesn’t immediately admit the error of his ways, bin him.

TimBoothseyes · 27/12/2022 08:03

Iwanttoslowdown · 26/12/2022 23:34

Most MILs darling sons would not:

Receive Birthday cards / presents
Receive Christmas cards / present
Invitations for Christmas or any other family event
Have much of a relationship with their Grandchildren

And in return, MIL have generally given us their sons that

Think there is a towel fairy
And a diary that orders Christmas presents and send cards
And a fairy that responds to endless messages from school
And a patience fairy for said MIL who expects all of the as above

The End.

So every single MiL bought their sons up in a single parent family or are the FiL exempt from criticism because they are men? You chose to be with the man-child, can't blame anyone else for that.

Murphs1 · 27/12/2022 08:04

I agree with @Christmasnero as my inlaws would receive nothing if it wasn’t for me and will find fault with everything. That said my husband works away and I am part time, so it does fall to me. So I partially agree with the op, and I def agree with christmas Nero. I am sweetness and light to my mil so she has nothing to find fault with. That said she tries very hard to and I am the reason she doesn’t see or have enough contact with her grandchildren, even though they are invited for the whole weekend every month. She is generally a very difficult and ungrateful woman.

RememberFlimsy · 27/12/2022 08:05

Awrite · 26/12/2022 23:40

Nice that women are to blame for the failings of men.

This.
What a load of misogynistic crap your OP is!

FourChimneys · 27/12/2022 08:07

I don't know the names of all of DHs family, never mind their birthdays or addresses. No idea if he sends cards and presents or not. None of them live anywhere near us.

When we were getting married his mother tried to give me a list of relations so I could take on the role of family secretary. I very nicely asked if I should give him a list of my relations to even things out.

Slimjimtobe · 27/12/2022 08:09

I don’t buy any of dh side of the family anything as he doesn’t sort mine. I’ve stopped ironing his stuff too and whilst I do most of the cooking and sort the kids homework and school stuff and clothes - he does all the bins and diy and isn’t lazy at all.