DH insult on Christmas morning

[ChristmasInsult]

DH wished me a happy Christmas and gave me a peck on the cheek first thing Christmas morning and asked if I wanted breakfast. I said something about still feeling full from all the food we had eaten the night before.

I had tight PJ bottoms and a t shirt on and granted, my belly looked huge. He looked me up and down and said “yeah, you’re turning into a wee fat thing again”. Granted my weight has been fluctuating and I am currently about 2.5 stone overweight whereas at the end of the summer, I was “only” about a stone overweight. I’m only 5”1 so it really shows.

I was devastated but didn’t say anything as didn’t want an argument on Christmas Day. I spoke to him today and he apologised and admitted he shouldn’t have said it. I am beyond upset.

AIBU that I am not talking to him on Boxing Day and not sure when I will feel like talking to him again?

or should I accept I am very overweight and accept his apology and get over it?

That's a horrible thing for him to say but he has apologised so you either accept his apology and move forward or you don't..

it was a very insensitive comment and he shouldn't have said it. However, you've pointed out to him how it hurt you and he's apologised and admitted he shouldn't have said it. That's the adult way to deal with an issue.

as long as he seemed genuine in his apology then you are BU to give him the silent treatment all day. Move on, and maybe give some thought to getting more healthy in the new year. That's my plan as I'm also overweight.

I do think that he was wrong to say that. My weigh fluctuate too and I am currently on the higher side but my husband would never call me fat. We do talk in an adult way about us both wanting to loose weight and what we shall do about it, so it is not a taboo subject but we don’t insult each other.

But you have spoken, he has apologised. I don’t know why you would prolong this by sulking all day.

I think there's a middle ground. It was hurtful and unnecessary. It's not the time of year when anyone wants to be watching their weight either.

Not speaking to him is I guess your attempt to make him understand how much you're hurt. Hopefully it's not to punish him.

But it risks turning what seems like one hurtful comment into a ruined couple of days for you both. Do you feel his apology was genuine? If not what other strategies could you use to help you?

It was tactless but he has apologised for being an idiot. I doubt it needs the silent treatment. It sometimes seems that relationships are built on the flimsiest of foundations. You should both be stronger than this.

It was a stupid, insensitive comment, but he has apologised (with genuine contrition?) and giving someone the silent treatment is not on.

It sounds like you know you're overweight and you're not ok with that - do you think it's his comment you're really upset about, or are you upset about your weight?

It’s hard being short, I totally sympathise, it all shows up so quickly doesn’t it 😓 I understand why you feel hurt he said it out loud but you say it yourself that it’s true, just decide how you feel about it regardless of what he says and whether you want to shift it or not is entirely up to you

What a nasty comment. I'd have been very upset too.

I think it's time to talk to him about how deeply you are hurt by these things. It sounds like you need to ask him to protect you for a while by recognising how vulnerable you feel.
It's not really about what he said or appologies but about how difficult you are finding it.

If you can focus on how you feel and talk about that. It sounds like it's not really about him.

Good luck.

It was a horrible comment but the silent treatment is abusive and if you were telling mn that your husband was giving you the silent treatment after you said he was getting a dad bod you'd be told to leave him as the silent treatment is more abusive than the comment.

You need to look at your response

He was thoughtless and it was probably a hurtful comment, but he's apologised and the silent treatment is abusive. What do you want from him now?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset by his tactlessness, but perhaps a bit U to drag it out in this way. What do you want him to do beyond apologise?

Words hurt. And I'm one of those people that even after an apology it's hard for me to forget what was said.

Sure not a nice thing, it was dealt with but not speaking to him till the next time he says something that upsets you could see you never speaking to him again

Deal with it and move on or wallow in it if it actually makes you feel better your choice

What are you hoping to achieve by giving him the silent treatment?

@wee” is used affectionately. He’s also apologised. I would let it go. I also need to lose a little and don’t feel great about it but if a man said so I would let it go. It’s true after all and men tend to be more factual than women.

Thanks for the comments. I guess I’m not convinced he is genuine in his apology. He seems to be annoyed that I’m annoyed, if that makes sense?

I am unhappy being this size. I’ve fallen away from going to the gym and eating more healthily - no reasons for this other than “can’t be bothered “.

we have a friendship group with 4 other couples and I just cannot imagine any of the other husbands saying this. One of the female friends was obese years ago, lost about 8 stone but has put about another 3 back on. Her husband is always saying she looks great, he still fancies her etc. my DH told me years ago if I ever got really fat, he’d still love me but not fancy me. So it’s always stuck in my mind - he has a real aversion to overweight people.

but I do accept that my response needs to be more adult. I just can’t seem to strike up a “normal” conversation when I’m still reeling. Think I’ll take a glass of wine to bed and get an early night - move on tomorrow

Yeah I’m Scottish so get the “wee” bit - but his tone /the way he looked me up and down were not affectionate

At 5'1" 2.5 stone is likely to have significant health implications for you OP.

I'd accept his apology, he's admitted that he's made a mistake and use that negative energy you're feeling, turn it into positive energy and use it get get yourself fitter.

Raise it with him, tell him you’re hurt. You’re sulking, it’s not helpful.

I think it depends on what you want that hasn't been satisfied by his apology.

Do you want him not to care if you've gained weight? He either does or doesn't care; beyond basic politeness, there's no point in his saying one thing and thinking another. But if you're not sure and need more info, then I'd raise it again and talk it through. You're better off knowing where he stands, but you have to let him say it does bother him if it does.

Do you not mind if he minds that you've gained weight, but don't want him to comment on it? That's the easiest one; if he hasn't specifically said he won't comment again, or he's said he won't and you don't believe him, ask for additional reassurances.

Do you not mind his commenting, but take issue with specifically WHAT he said? That requires further discussion, and may have wider range than that single comment. (This would be my view, I think - "yes, you've gained some weight this winter" is fine, "wee fat thing" is rude as fuck. But tone and relationship won't come across here, and everyone's different.)

Do you want to lose weight but need/want his support, or more understanding of how difficult it is for you? That's another conversation, but you'd be better to know exactly what you want to ask from him before raising the subject again.

If you feel this is a last straw in the relationship, that's your right - but silent treatment doesn't seem productive. If you don't know what he can do to make things right, how can he know? If you feel like you'll get over it but need a little time for it to feel less raw, can you tell him that and ask him for a little space/peace, rather than saying nothing?

His comment was obviously horrible, but sulking and giving him the silent treatment is so fucking unbelievably childish and unhelpful. I'm not surprised he's annoyed. Do you want him to beg for your forgiveness? Urgh.

What @Teddeh said.

It was hurtful, especially at Christmas.

However, sulking is never a healthy way to deal with anything, so don’t do it, tackle whatever you need to tackle.

You could easily lose quite a lot of weight, about 10, maybe 12stones - Him.