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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH insult on Christmas morning

87 replies

ChristmasInsult · 26/12/2022 18:42

DH wished me a happy Christmas and gave me a peck on the cheek first thing Christmas morning and asked if I wanted breakfast. I said something about still feeling full from all the food we had eaten the night before.

I had tight PJ bottoms and a t shirt on and granted, my belly looked huge. He looked me up and down and said “yeah, you’re turning into a wee fat thing again”. Granted my weight has been fluctuating and I am currently about 2.5 stone overweight whereas at the end of the summer, I was “only” about a stone overweight. I’m only 5”1 so it really shows.

I was devastated but didn’t say anything as didn’t want an argument on Christmas Day. I spoke to him today and he apologised and admitted he shouldn’t have said it. I am beyond upset.

AIBU that I am not talking to him on Boxing Day and not sure when I will feel like talking to him again?

or should I accept I am very overweight and accept his apology and get over it?

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 26/12/2022 19:22

It sounds as though it was said with affection, but only you really know that.

Sulking though…

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/12/2022 19:23

Giving someone the silent treatment is really not on. He has apologised, you need to either accept his apology or go back and discuss it more with him

Theydoyaknow · 26/12/2022 19:26

Ughhhhh grow up! He said sorry, hate that silent treatment crap. I remember my husband commenting on how thin I had gotten once, I didn’t look healthy. It hurt but spurred me on to be more healthy. he worded it poorly but might be worried about you. He kissed you good morning and asked what you wanted for breakfast, he can’t be all bad.

Scabetty · 26/12/2022 19:33

Not sure what you want. You want to be lighter, you aren’t happy with current weight. He agrees you are heavier than you should be. He apologised and you are offended. 2.5 stone is not a slight fluctuation. What weight do you want to be for you? Decide on that first - what is realistic for you to achieve without being unhappy in lifestyle changes.

bippit · 26/12/2022 19:49

What a horrible contemptuous comment. I would struggle to get past this too and would not find a cursory apology sufficient. It seems like there must be some real aggression or other underlying issue on his side for him to come out with something so obviously derogatory.

I disagree that the silent treatment is always “abusive” - it is very common to be upset and hurt and not know how to proceed, not want to go on the attack but not have been given enough to move on. The silent treatment can be a way of retreating or an unavoidable spinning of your wheels. I fail to see how it is worse than outright abuse. The comments saying that your response is worse than his weird spiteful comment are facile imho.

I hope you’re able to sort your head out and work out how you want to proceed. 💐

FayCarew · 26/12/2022 19:53

2.5 stone overweight at 5'1" is a lot, but he was insensitive.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/12/2022 19:55

How is giving him the silent treatment going to help you lose weight?

Do you want to?

Work out a plan going forwards and ask for his support.

Both myself and my DP are about a stone over where we want to be. So our plan is A) Forget about it over Christmas (haha!) and B) Start doing more exercise in the New Year. Together and separately.

Zippy1510 · 26/12/2022 19:59

Wrong to say it but clearly honest.

roarfeckingroarr · 26/12/2022 20:00

Well... it wasn't very nice but it sounds like he said it in jest and he's apologised. Silent treatment isn't healthy. Don't ruin Christmas/

TedMullins · 26/12/2022 20:00

You know you’re overweight so he isn’t lying is he? Insensitive yes but you said yourself you don’t like your current weight. Many people don’t find overweight people attractive. I told my boyfriend the same, that if he got fatter I wouldn’t fancy him (he was bigger before we met, I’ve seen photos and I don’t find him attractive in them). I wouldn’t expect him to fancy me if I piled on the pounds either. I don’t believe anyone is obliged to fancy their partner all the time no matter how they look - some people hate beards and tattoos for example, and probably wouldn’t fancy their partners if they got either of them.

Zanatdy · 26/12/2022 20:02

It wasn’t nice, he shouldn’t have said it. He’s apologised, I hate it when people punish people with the silent treatment. Been there with my ex and it’s actually abusive in my opinion

Poundofflesh · 26/12/2022 20:09

Wow, the fat shamers are out in full force! That was a horrible thing to say OP and, in my opinion, designed to wound you and make you feel shit about yourself! The fact that he isn’t genuinely remorseful shows that it wasn’t just a thoughtless gaffe. Nobody should have to listen to comments like this from their partner and I would be seriously rethinking the relationship if my DH said something like that to me.

Glamourgal1989 · 26/12/2022 20:10

What a cunt ! Does he look like a model ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2022 20:11

Do you talk about disliking being bigger a lot? If you do and he’s hearing it a lot he might be annoyed that you’re not annoyed he said it.

Your friends are irrelevant too. Maybe that man does find his wife attractive at 8 stone overweight. Maybe he’s lying but trying to make her feel better. Maybe he prefers her that size. It’s not unreasonable for yours to be honest that while he’d love your personality if you gained a lot of weight he wouldn’t fancy you. If DH gained the weight of a whole other person I doubt I’d fancy him. I wouldn’t expect him to fancy me if I looked substantially different. It’s got nothing to do with love. Though barring a major health issue I doubt he’d be the same type of person he is now if he was that much bigger, there’d be loads of things we enjoy doing that he wouldn’t be able to do.

You’re not 8 stone bigger but at your height you’ve gained a lot and you’re not happy about it. I expect you mention it more than you think you do so he wasn’t necessarily trying to make you feel shit.

PenanceAdair · 26/12/2022 20:11

Sounded like he meant it in jest but came out as a zinger. If it bothered me, I'd have said something then and there like "Wow that's not very nice!", hopefully that would have gotten him to apologise immediately too. Then we get on with it.

Unless he has form for insulting you (in which case, it's a problem), it doesn't sound like a big deal but it seems you feeling a bit unhappy with yourself right now has caused it to be much more than what it should be.

He's apologised; Don't worry and enjoy the holidays.

NeedToChangeName · 26/12/2022 20:15

Hos comment was horrible. Only you know if his apology was genuine or just to shut you up

Sulking / silent treatment isn't a helpful response

nancydroo · 26/12/2022 20:16

Glamourgal1989 · 26/12/2022 20:10

What a cunt ! Does he look like a model ?

Perfect

PenanceAdair · 26/12/2022 20:20

If it bothered me, I'd have said something then and there like "Wow that's not very nice!", hopefully that would have gotten him to apologise immediately too. Then we get on with it.

Or I'd say "You don't look so good yourself" and we'd laugh at ourselves. Depends on the mood and the sort of relationship I have with the person.

LuluBlakey1 · 26/12/2022 20:21

Is he a Greek God? I think probably not but you are kind enough to not point out his areas of 'possibly needing a bit of work'. He's mean and unkind.

BCBird · 26/12/2022 20:23

I would be hurt yoo but silent treatment is a definite no no.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 26/12/2022 20:24

I like how some posters are going straight into how the OP could be a better weight rather than how her husband could be a better person. So if someone is not at an acceptable weight, its OK to be rude? Well, of course it is, we all know that.

Particularly like the poster that said as he'd given her a kiss and asked about breakfast (even though he then said she was fat and should skip the meal!) that he must be a great guy. Set the bar high there love ...!

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/12/2022 20:24

That's a horrible thing for him to say but he has apologised so you either accept his apology and move forward or you don't.

What happens if she doesn't accept it and move forward - divorce? Her husband just fatshamed her. "He said sorry so get over it" is very simplistic. Feelings don't shut off that easily.

However giving someone the silent treatment isn't productive either. She needs to speak to him about having some basic respect for his partner. And she also needs to think about why it hurt her so much and what that tells her.

AllOfThemWitches · 26/12/2022 20:30

Hmm I don't think weight should be a taboo subject between couples really. It's true that you're overweight? So not a nasty shock to be told. I don't really get not fancying your partner just for gaining a bit of weight though.

AllOfThemWitches · 26/12/2022 20:32

Observing that somebody is overweight isn't 'fat shaming!?'

BlueTick · 26/12/2022 20:39

What's changed OP? Why did you fall away from the gym?

I do think when we get together with someone there's an unspoken agreement that we'll do our best to maintain that version of ourselves.

He was mean to say this to you. Very mean and it's hurt your pride and self-esteem. I would be gutted too. But you say you hate yourself this way. So instead of dwelling on his comments - which have only voiced how you feel about yourself - what can you do?

I'm sorry he delivered his thoughts the way he did but he may be concerned about why you've lost interest in your health and body? Men can be very crass.

But in the end its on you to decide what you want? If he put on a lot of weight - would you be worried about him? If he lost interest in taking care of himself - what would you do?

What can he do to support you to feel better? What can do you do to support yourself to feel better? It doesn't necessarily mean losing weight, right now - but perhaps look deeper and think about what's really going on?