DH insult on Christmas morning

[ChristmasInsult]

DH wished me a happy Christmas and gave me a peck on the cheek first thing Christmas morning and asked if I wanted breakfast. I said something about still feeling full from all the food we had eaten the night before.

I had tight PJ bottoms and a t shirt on and granted, my belly looked huge. He looked me up and down and said “yeah, you’re turning into a wee fat thing again”. Granted my weight has been fluctuating and I am currently about 2.5 stone overweight whereas at the end of the summer, I was “only” about a stone overweight. I’m only 5”1 so it really shows.

I was devastated but didn’t say anything as didn’t want an argument on Christmas Day. I spoke to him today and he apologised and admitted he shouldn’t have said it. I am beyond upset.

AIBU that I am not talking to him on Boxing Day and not sure when I will feel like talking to him again?

or should I accept I am very overweight and accept his apology and get over it?

1- watch the movie Starfish - preferably together - nothing to do with weight but everything to do with real love - I have been single for ages / divorced twice from two toxic marriages and now I accept nothin less then real love (not saying your relationship is toxic or lacks love but maybe needs some perspective)

2- for weight loss, learning how to eat and mantain weight and exercise tips plus tons of motivation - follow Granite Coaching - coach Deasy on FB - see if you like

3- for better navigating the world as a non skinny person check the podcast Maintanance Phase

Obviously we can't really gauge the tone and the looks and the subtext from here. If he regularly belittles you then yes, this is a bigger thing than the words themselves. However if he is generally loving, and his apology is sincere, then most likely the words come from an underlying concern about your weight and its effect on your health, and on the relationship. So I would try to let it go and instead open up the bigger conversation.

With hurtful words, I try to factor in accuracy, and whether the thing said is something that needs to be addressed. Some people seem to find accurate things more hurtful and have a worse reaction. I think accuracy only seems more hurtful when we agree with what is said, and so really it is also us giving feedback to ourselves. It is a time to bravely lift the chin and face the thing that needs to be faced, and perhaps enlist the help of the person who has echoed our own thoughts. Of course, if someone is just being nasty this doesn't apply!

As you yourself say you are unhappy with your weight, and assuming his apology is genuine, could you not agree with the truth of what he said, and ask for whatever support you need from him in tackling your weight?

Giving him the silent treatment is not on.

Of course he didn't fat shame her... FFS!

It's Mumsnet. Fat shaming and insults related to weight are absolutely fine on here. Look how they've even managed to make OP the 'abusive' one.

I think sometimes things hit harder when they are true. You've acknowledged that you've gained weight because you can't be bothered to eat healthily and exercise. (So have I, and I feel stupid about it. I list 2.5st last year and gave regained at least 1.5).

You've discussed, he's apologised. Move on.

That's mean and not funny. He has hurt your feelings and you should make it clear that if he ever calls you fat again, you will lose a bunch of weight overnight by throwing him out the house

I think most women would be flattered by being called too thin. It's socially more acceptable. Being called fat isn't the same.

What else would you like him to do other than apologise?

OP, you have said yourself you are not happy with your weight gain. Perhaps use this as a kick start to get into shape, start going to the gym again and regain a bit of body confidence. DH was an insensitive prick but he has apologised (only you can judge if his apology is sincere or not). I think your continued sulking is just as much your unhappiness with your weight as much as what DH said.

You've missed the point. She knows she is overweight and wants to lose weight but doesn't need an unsolicited insult directed at her from her DP. That's hardly encouraging of him.

I am sorry but he sounds like a total spiteful dick. My husband would never say anything like this to me and I’ve been fat, thin and everything inbetween. Honestly he just loves me for who I am. Personally I would have insulted him back as I’m sure he’s no oil painting himself. Unless you’re going out with someone who’s drop dead gorgeous?

I think a comment like that can really sting for a long time irrespective of a half arsed apology.

He's rude. You said you were full. You weren't asking him if he thought you looked fat or not.

I would go on whatever eating regime suits you and tell him he's making his own dinner from now on.

I'm 5'1'' and want to lose 20lbs but if somebody said to me ''yeh you're a wee fat thing'' I'd wonder why they were setting out to make me feel bad about myself.

If it were me I’d sit down and have a chat. He’s apologised, so it wouldn’t be about berating him further, but open up about your feelings. Tell him about not feeling good, and the impact of his words. Explain how compliments pick you up.
A few years ago I did with my husband. I explained part of my eating difficulties was low mood about my weight and a vicious cycle. I explained how much compliments helped, and had the power to pick me up. How words stuck because I value what he says. That it wasn’t about lying, but compliment me if I dress well, have good hair, he’s enjoying my company etc- just say it.
It made a big difference between us in a lot of ways, including helping me make healthier choices in a feel good pattern. I feel better, the dynamic is better.
We’d both got into negative and lazy patterns, and we did have to think a bit more. He did actively change, because he didn’t actively aim to be horrible.

I don’t think YABU to be hurt by his comment and take some time to get over it. Even if his apology is sincere you are not required to forgive, forget, and go back to normal straight away.__ Emotions do not work like that. It’s not necessarily abusive.

He was clumsy in his delivery, rude even but he was honest. I would take that honesty any day over fat blindness. He is more than likely worried about her health, 2.5 stone on a 5 foot person is colossal. He apologised but at the end of the day had he said she had got very thin would it have been so offensive??

You say you're 2.5st overweight (I wish that's all I was) so you're not massive. It sounds as though he was joking - men do that, that's how men are with each other - so I don't suppose he meant anything at all. Had he meant it, he would have said it in a nasty way, surely. Let it go.

Sounds like he was highlighting an issue you have with your weight, but it wasn’t what he said, but how he said it? I’m sure you don’t like being overweight, but you should focus on losing it for you, not because he’s mentioned it. It’s awful when someone references things like this, but helpful in the long term.

Aparrently the silent treatment in abusive and controlling! I don't agree but then I also don't see how a silly comment warrants any outrage.

The op has an issue with their weight. Best thing they can do is to help themselves to either be OK with themselves or do something about it.

......."2.5 stone on a 5 foot person is colossal."

No, it really isn't!!

No hurts just the same.

He knew what he was doing. If he has an issue with your weight he should bring it up in a sensitive way, not try and humiliate you like that.

The silent treatment s always abusive and controlling when men do it.

How do you know? Have you experienced both?

I have yes.

The silent treatment is actually a normal response to hurt feelings. It’s when it goes on and on that it becomes abusive. So it’s a free pass for some people to just spout “oh it’s abusive”…… no it really is not. It becomes abusive when utilised too frequently and for too long. In normal relationships it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore your other half whilst you deal with hurt emotions.