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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dad should not let himself into my room

98 replies

Volumous · 26/12/2022 10:18

Staying at parents for Christmas and on both mornings I've been here so far my 65 yo dad has just waltzed into my bedroom at 8am with a cup of coffee while I'm still in bed sleeping. I think he's trying to be nice but I'm 35 years old. Is this weird? I don't like it.

He's the kind of man who doesn't understand people's boundaries at all and thinks it's his home so he has access all areas. (My parents never respected my privacy when I was growing up). If I asked him to stop doing this he'd be furious, storm off in a strop and tell me I'm ungrateful.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/12/2022 10:20

It wouldn’t bother me, I’d appreciate being brought coffee in bed. It bothers you though which is the important thing.

Anewuser · 26/12/2022 10:20

What a lovely dad you have. I would love anyone to wake me with coffee in the morning.

If you fancy a lie in, maybe just let you know.

I’m sure he’s not actually thinking of climbing into bed with you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/12/2022 10:21

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, he’s being kind (unless there’s a backstory).

Quitelikeit · 26/12/2022 10:21

You are being precious

why look for issues where there are none?

Firefly86 · 26/12/2022 10:22

Well if you don't tell him, how will he know you don't like it.

If he's just dropping in coffee he probably thinks he's doing a nice thing...

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/12/2022 10:22

As long as he knocks first I’d be really happy

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/12/2022 10:22

Unless there is more to it sounds like he's trying to be nice but if you want to sleep later maybe tell him you want a lie in until 9 tomorrow.

Treacletoots · 26/12/2022 10:22

Well of course YANBU, but people don't change. If he's controlling he won't suddenly stop.

You can either suck it up or fall out. That's the reality, there isn't a magic bullet I'm afraid.

The only slight option that might stop him is embarrassment. Put a massive dildo out on the side where he puts the coffee and hope he doesn't wish to repeat the experience.

BoredOfRain · 26/12/2022 10:23

hey OP, I understand your frustration. I have similar issue with both of my parents. it seems they cannot understand that I'm grown up now and act the same way around me as they did when I was a child.

I think it depends on how often you stay with them. if it's every now and then I wouldn't say anything, but if you stay with them for prolonged periods of time it might be worth mentioning it in a light hearted way, don't make it too serious so that they don't get upset, just keep it light but make sure message is delivered.

I would love my dad (or my husband!) to bring me coffee in the morning! so it can be nice too 😉

BanjoVio · 26/12/2022 10:23

I’m with you, OP. When we stay with the in-laws my MIL does exactly this when I’m fast asleep, arse out, baps out. Nope, not keen.

SarahAndQuack · 26/12/2022 10:26

I suspect you don't like it because of the backstory about your parents not respecting your boundaries. In isolation, I think it's fairly normal.

I've got to admit I also don't like it, but I am well aware of why that is.

I don't think you're going to get far by asking if it's reasonable/unreasonable, because it's got so much to do with the associations it has for you.

FWIW I've stayed at partners' houses where their parents did this and it was obviously just part of a nice, friendly relationship - my ex-husband and his mother automatically made tea for whoever else was still in bed and it was just part of normal life.

PeppermintChoc · 26/12/2022 10:26

I look forward to this when I stay with my parents!

Original poster
Volumous · 26/12/2022 10:28

In response to some of the comments there's no background or threat of abuse or anything here, just to make that clear. Just a dad who doesn't respect the privacy of his adult daughter.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/12/2022 10:28

Well, if you don’t like it then say something but I’d go for ‘Thanks so much for the tea. Would you mind knocking, Dad?’

I love my dad bringing me tea. It would be a rare occurrence now and more likely me taking him some (with a knock first).

mumda · 26/12/2022 10:30

8am is horrifically early but maybe they want you up and out there rather than you staying in bed.
Take early morning drinks as a get up alarm.

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2022 10:30

Unless he then parks himself on the end of your bed or whatever, he's just being kind surely?!
Blimey.

MrsScrubbingbrush · 26/12/2022 10:30

Would love it if my Dad brought me a cup of tea and toast in bed like he did when he was alive.

Not so sure I miss the way he insisted on opening the curtains though Wink

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 26/12/2022 10:31

YANBU

1.you were still asleep.
2.he didn't even knock.
3.he has form for this and you know he'd be aggressive/defensive if you brought it up.

Can you at least tell him you'd like a lie in until 9 ?

givethistokevin · 26/12/2022 10:32

I'm surprised at so many people saying this isn't a problem.

Why can't he knock

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/12/2022 10:32

My parent does the same. I always feel like it’s a bit passive aggressive and like he’s dropping a hint that it’s time to wake up!

purpledalmation · 26/12/2022 10:33

Overreacting. You're only visiting so it's no big deal. If you lived there permanently it's easy enough to put a lock on the door

BarbedButterfly · 26/12/2022 10:33

I would really hate that. Never walk into a bedroom without knocking

LazyLara · 26/12/2022 10:33

OP I completely agree with you. My dad used to do this. When I was a teen I used to say to him can you knock please and he'd say why this is my house. One day when I was 15 he walked in on me getting dressed and ran a mile apologising profusely closing the door behind him and then he never waltzed in again. He learnt his lesson about having some privacy and has knocked on the door since. I haven't lived at home for a while now but if I stay over he still always knocks now.

BringMeTea · 26/12/2022 10:34

If he is not knocking and waiting for a response then it is totally out of order.

EmergentThoughts · 26/12/2022 10:34

Of course you're allowed to want privacy, pp are reacting strangely to that.

If you don't want confrontation, and he's staying again tonight, lock your door?

Fwiw I would never waltz into my teen and older dc's rooms without knocking, unless they are ill and need help, it's a fairly normal concept.