To think dad should not let himself into my room

[Volumous]

Staying at parents for Christmas and on both mornings I've been here so far my 65 yo dad has just waltzed into my bedroom at 8am with a cup of coffee while I'm still in bed sleeping. I think he's trying to be nice but I'm 35 years old. Is this weird? I don't like it.

He's the kind of man who doesn't understand people's boundaries at all and thinks it's his home so he has access all areas. (My parents never respected my privacy when I was growing up). If I asked him to stop doing this he'd be furious, storm off in a strop and tell me I'm ungrateful.

This.

Why do some people have such difficulty with the concept of knocking?

I was reared to knock, so was my husband and so have our children.

Really basic manners.

If he gets angry at you requesting him respecting your privacy, just tell him you won't stay again.

Very effective.

Getting angry at a very reasonable boundary request, are the hallmark of a bully who uses anger to shout you down and silence you.

Not acceptable.

Honestly, for me this would be enough to stop visiting if it didn't stop when I asked. Yeah fine everyone will think 'it's only a coffee, how lovely' but it's actually a major issue, lack of privacy, disrespect of boundaries etc. You deserve your privacy (regardless of if you aren't even doing anything to want to keep private!). It's your space while you're there. And doing this to a teenager?! Horrific. Could be changing, masturbating, absolutely anything which could in any way be embarrassing for teen. Horrible behaviour. Would he do it to other guests, or just his child/children? Would he do it if you had a partner staying with you? Ick.

I'm possibly overly considerate of guests because I tiptoe across the landing to prevent squeaky floor waking them when I get up. I get up early so I'm ready and out the way, the shower will 100% be free and plenty of hot water again for whenever they want to use it, and breakfast ready to do final bits when they're hungry. Major people pleaser here, in fairness. And firm believer in privacy.

One of the biggest things I miss about living at "home" was my dad bringing my daily morning coffee. Didn't realise how good I had it! When I was hungover he'd make the best bacon sandwiches. God I want to turn back time 😩

This didn't bother me to start with - when it was just Mum doing it when I stayed there alone, but then it did start to bother me. She would carry on doing it, even after I was married (sometimes I would be in bed with my husband and my children would be in the other spare room with bunk beds) and had children and I found it too intrusive. Sometimes, it would happen when it was just me staying there and I had been out for a run or something and was getting changed afterwards - she would barge in with a cup of tea or whatever without knocking and then say something along the line of "You haven't got anything I haven't seen". Well actually so what? She wouldn't have anything different to Kate bloody Middleton, but she still wouldn't barge in on her unannounced. Why is it OK to do it to your adult children???

Once you're an adult, you have earned the right to be in bed with your partner without someone barging in? Getting changed etc without someone barging into the room without knocking? It's an invasion of your privacy and it shouldn't happen

I mean it's cute hes bringing you a coffee at 8 am. That's super sweet. Just ask him to knock before entering in case you are changing etc. You don't need to say it is a rude way.

YANBU. Overbearing parents with no boundaries outing themselves on this thread. How hard is it to KNOCK?! What if OP is awake and getting changed?

YABU to not tell him to stop!
FFS, you’re an adult, you don’t have to just comply any more.

Let him throw his tantrum. What’s he going to do?

Is everyone missing that if you asked him not to then hed throw a strop?
so he’s making you uncomfortable and you can’t talk about your feelings in a constructive way for fear of a massive fall out. I don’t think that’s reasonable

Maybe I should have qualified this. My Mum died in 2020 so It's no longer an issue, but it happened from the time I met my now husband (I think I was 20) until she died (I was 48 when she died and have just turned 50 - so not bloody young and impressionable). It felt like she was still trying to exert control over me, even though I was an adult with a husband and children. Almost as if she was trying to tell my husband that she was more important than he was???

I Miss her and love her, but she had no boundaries

YANBU. You knock before entering someone's bedroom surely? Make sure they're decent?

How is barging into the room of an adult who is still sleeping considered being "kind?". It's a gross invasion of privacy and very, very rude. FFS.

YANBU. Do you even want the coffee in bed? I’d hate it, I need to brush teeth before too.

Sounds like he’s carrying on not respecting your boundaries,

Tell dad not to enter your room without knocking and getting permission,

i find this strange. How does he know you’re if you’re fully dressed or not??

my adult dd lives with me and I always knock before going into her room out of respect and fear of what I might barge in and see that I won’t be able to unsee 😂

Just put a chair against the door.

My dad still does this, I'm in my 50s. I hate it, I find it an invasion of my privacy, but he's controlling and will not accept being asked not to.

It is controlling, abusive and as creepy as fxxk when parents do it to teenagers.

Hallmark of dysfunction in a home IMO.

Normal decent people innately understand the respect of others privacy.

Parents who barge into the children and adults bedrooms of those living or staying with them, do not do so in isolation.

It's always a part of other disordered behaviour.

That her father would kick off at being asked is confirmation of that.

A confident adult wouldn't stay with them, and would tell them why.

The fuss he would kick up would be on him.

It is so deeply unhealthy to be a fully grown adult and accepting such behaviour and treatment.

Annoying but at least he came baring coffee!

It's the kind of thing that you'll only recognise that he was just being nice when he's dead. I think it's healthy you find it annoying but you'll miss him annoying you. Enjoy it while you can

Did you post on the wrong thread?

No I posted on the right thread 🙂

If he walks in without knocking then that's wrong. I think a lot of posters who think it's fine are probably assuming he does that!

My dad is like this too OP. Very bad with boundaries and relating to me as an adult and not a child. So talking over me when I'm parenting my child (as if he's the co-parent), using the upstairs loo and then using that as an opportunity to wander around all the upstairs rooms (including my bedroom), picking up my opened post and reading through it. Latest is standing outside the loo and talking to me when I'm in there!

Nothing sinister about it at all, but it's annoying and comes from an unwillingness to see me as an adult.

Not in my house 🤷‍♂️. You might have lived like that but there's plenty who didn't.

Calm down.
He brought her a morning cuppa.
Stop looking for issues where there aren't any.
For all we know he may have knocked gently. OP was still asleep.

That was to @billy1966

My kids are young still and I always knock. They want me to knock and I respect that.

I'd be saying, dad thanks so much for the drink but make sure to knock as I could have been getting dressed