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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dad should not let himself into my room

98 replies

Volumous · 26/12/2022 10:18

Staying at parents for Christmas and on both mornings I've been here so far my 65 yo dad has just waltzed into my bedroom at 8am with a cup of coffee while I'm still in bed sleeping. I think he's trying to be nice but I'm 35 years old. Is this weird? I don't like it.

He's the kind of man who doesn't understand people's boundaries at all and thinks it's his home so he has access all areas. (My parents never respected my privacy when I was growing up). If I asked him to stop doing this he'd be furious, storm off in a strop and tell me I'm ungrateful.

OP posts:

DuchessDandelion · 26/12/2022 10:36

Nothing wrong with gum bringing you tea (but 8am at Christmas, blimey) but my mother is also the same about room privacy so I understand where you're coming from.

Soapboxqueen · 26/12/2022 10:36

This would not bother me.

However. You have two options.

allow it to continue even though you don't like it.
tell your father and accept the fall out of him feeling hurt/cross

MiniHouse · 26/12/2022 10:36

I get it. My dad was like this. I think what probably irritates you is not this particular action but how it represents the overall lack of privacy in your teenage years, refusal to listen and compromise etc..

I would not pick this fight. I'd try to dissagregate in my mind from the other problems in the past. Remember you don't like there any more, he doesn't control your life, it's just his style when he's in his house.

LaBellina · 26/12/2022 10:37

I think I understand how you feel because of you mentioning that there’s a backstory with your father thinking he doesn’t need to respect others zones inside the home ‘because it’s his home’. My awful father is the same, wouldn’t knock to come into my bedroom because ‘I don’t knock inside my own home’. If I had a daughter and DH pulled the same stunt I would divorce him. It’s incredibly dismissive of your DC’s rightful privacy and boundaries. I can see why this, as innocent as it may seem to others who grew up differently, is triggering for you.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 26/12/2022 10:39

Take a rubber door stop next time. Kick it under from the inside. Door stays shut.

DuchessofSandwich · 26/12/2022 10:41

There is a middle ground between a fight and sucking it up: just book a hotel next time.

HomeAGnome · 26/12/2022 10:41

Christ I'd hate that too, it's bloody rude, ask him not to and if he sulks go home
I agree to taking a door stop next time

FOJN · 26/12/2022 10:44

Your dad's intentions are irrelevant.

How I or anyone else would respond to his behaviour is irrelevant.

You find it intrusive and don't like it, this is only relevant thing here.

I think you have two choices, either you put up with it or you say something and refuse to feel guilty that someone who refuses to respect you boundaries feels upset.

BayandBlonde · 26/12/2022 10:49

If you don't like it then gently tell him.

My dad is 85, I am 43. I would love it if my dad got me a cup of tea in the morning and he would do it without thinking or knocking (which would y bother me) sadly he isn't able to

WimbyAce · 26/12/2022 10:55

My dad would do this if I was at their house alone. Prob not if with my other half.

KimberleyClark · 26/12/2022 10:57

This would not bother me, my dad would always bring everyone tea in bed on weekend mornings when I was a child and my late FIL always brought DH and me tea when we stayed with them. But if you don’t like it you should tell him - gently as PP suggested!

Lummikukka · 26/12/2022 11:01

My mother does the same, just walks into bathroom, bedroom, without knocking, knowing I'm in there and probably undressed or in bed. I've asked her not to, makes zero difference, she thinks I'm being 'silly'. Also issues with opening my post, basically treating me like an extension of herself. Thankfully I don't live with or stay often, so it's a limited problem.

Ask him to knock next time - unlike my mother, he may listen. My dad absolutely doesn't walk in on me.

burnoutbabe · 26/12/2022 11:01

WimbyAce · 26/12/2022 10:55

My dad would do this if I was at their house alone. Prob not if with my other half.

Yes sane, it stopped when my partner joined my visits

I felt I'll this morning so moved into mums bed (she was up) and she brought me tea and offered me cereal in bed, it was nice.

But yes both parents should knock in case you are getting changed.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 26/12/2022 11:04

Privacy is important and your parents clearly don't respect yours. It's a control/power thing when people consistently overstep boundaries. I wouldn't stay there again tbh. You're not going to change his behaviour if it's a longstanding thing.

VinoDino · 26/12/2022 11:10

You knock and wait for a response. Anything else is just rude, their house or not. Puzzled by some of these answers!

AramintaLee · 26/12/2022 11:13

I absolutely understand Dad's not having boundaries. My Dad let's himself into my house without warning despite telling him multiple times that all I need is a quick text asking if it's okay to pop over. Usually I'm in the middle of a work meeting.

He has a spare key for emergencies (and he feeds my cats when I'm away) but he does take liberties.

My sympathy OP as if he's anything like my Dad, you can tell him you don't like it and he'll still do it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/12/2022 11:20

Take early morning drinks as a get up alarm.

My FIL would bring my ex and I tea in bed so he could read the papers in peace without anyone getting up to make a cup. For me tea in bed is “stay where you are and have a lie in”.

SallyWD · 26/12/2022 11:23

I think it's really kind. My mum does this when I stay with them and it's such a treat to have a coffee in bed. My dad would do it too but he's not able bodied.

LuluBlakey1 · 26/12/2022 11:25

I think he should knock but he's doing a nice thing. When my cousin stays with us, I take him a mug of tea in the morning. I just tap on the door and say 'Just me, cup of tea' and start to push the handle so he can say 'Give me a minute' or I'm not decent or whatever' .(He never does because he's always still in bed snoozing.)

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 26/12/2022 11:31

Just say that you don't like to have drinks upstairs anymore and you will come down for a drink when you are ready.

Zizz · 26/12/2022 11:51

I would either say "Blimey, Dad, you could knock!" or 'accidentally' leave a towel or piece of clothing on the floor to stop the door opening.

AinmÁlainn · 26/12/2022 12:14

So hang on...the millions of mumsnetters who require a formal request for anyone including fathers, to knock on their front door, preferably with a 3 month processing time and a unilateral right to rescind the permission at any moment up to and including three hours after the approved time, are OK with someone waltzing into their bedroom while they are sleeping? Fuck that.

Op, my dad would never do it. My mum might and I'd be ok with it. But you aren't and that's perfectly legitimate whether there's a back story or not. I'd go with the door wedge suggestion above. Half a cup of coffee down his front when the door doesn't open as expected may be all the "gentle" conversation you need.

paintitallover · 26/12/2022 12:18

Do you have children and, if so, who was looking after them?

DavesSpareDeckChair · 26/12/2022 13:07

I'm surprised at all the posters who are ok with this. I get it OP. When you grow up not being allowed privacy and boundaries it is unsettling to be reminded of it, even if it is a supposedly "nice" gesture and even if there is no abuse involved.

As a teenager and young adult my parents always used to walk in on me getting changed even if I told them loudly and clearly "dont come in, I'm getting changed!" They also did this to friends I had over. They just refused to listen.
My dad would walk out once he realised but he would leave the door open and I'd have to close it before anyone saw me (He was completely away with the fairies). My mum wouldn't leave at all and would stand there with the door open, ranting and raving at me, calling me a bitch for having the temerity to grow up and desire privacy (With her I think it was more of a control/power thing). She also opened my post and went through my bin and commented on whatever she found.

My dad would also walk in and help himself to my stuff (books, CDs, DVDs) without asking, and then tell me off for buying myself stuff that was for me and not for him, even if it was bought with my own money. Recently he gave me a book as a present so I assumed he bought it - no, turned out he'd stolen it from my brother! They really struggle to see others as separate to them and others' stuff as separate to their stuff. It's hard for people who havent grown up with this to understand it.

OneTC · 26/12/2022 13:11

I'm a cover-kicking-off naked highly mobile sleeper.

People tend to come into my room to wake me only once 😂

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