Is this person a 'friend'

[Gruffalo101]

A bit of a long one. I have known this person (Angela) for about 20 years and met her through another friend, but they subsequently fell out due to the others jealousy of a boyfriend Angela had at the time. I was a sort of casualty of that too.

For context :-Angela has a really good job it pays very well and she is quite senior. She drives a large expensive car has her own home and buys herself nice things, not all the time, but usually quality products.

I am a joe bloggs sort of person , just mainstream job (very recently retired) drive an ordinary car but have my own home. I have similar tastes to Angela (but since putting on weight not been able to indulge my love of fashion so much. (Currently losing weight to get myself in better shape).

Over the years in a group of 3 single women we have fallen into the routine of having birthday lunches which the other 2 pay for and usually the 2 paying also club together to get a present. For regular birthdays this is usually @ £25 each and its usually something from boden/white company/ jigsaw, ( or that ilk)even if it is just a voucher.

Angelas last birthday was a big birthday and the other 2 of us bought a present to the value of over £230... a lovely pair of earrings. The third person in the group (Betty) I met through Angela but I don't know her as well but single girls stick together and she is a nice person. Angela would see Betty through work but I live and work about 60 miles away.

Bettys big birthday was 6 months before Angela's and this worked out similarly. My next big birthday is in 3 years , as I'm a bit younger.

So over the last few years there has been for me a noticeable 'reduction' in my gifts , which is is stark contrast to the other gifts that are given. They know where I buy my clothes and what I like /don't like when it comes to clothes, and housewares etc To be clear I do buy things from regular stores so this isn't that i dont. But there seems to be a creeping element of this will do Gruffalo but not for the others.

So for Christmas this year from Angela I have just received a small box of 3 tiny pots , which I looked up online at 17.99 from Amazon and a small packet of tissues. I don't normally look up the prices but as i have noticed this for the last few years i did this year, because I really do feel offended. I hunted down a lovely scarf to go with her new coat and enclosed a book for her Christmas present. Last year i gave her a book and beautiful salad server's. She thanked me for the book., nothing else.

We have a group whatsapp and she doesn't answer any incidental texts but when it comes to organising the night out she will send messages to me such as ' really looking forward to the meet up' etc which contradicts her other behaviour.

It isn't so much the value of the gifts is just appears to be a deliberate choice. This also preceded my retirement by several years so it isn't a consideration to that. They also see the clothes I wear , eg Wrap, Poetry interspersed with M&s and the like. Along with the texts issue I feel I am being sidelined to some degree and this is her less than subtle way of doing it.

So AIBU to feel like this and if so, what to do or say, if anything? I have resisted the urge to play tit for tat and carried on buying what I would anyway. I will never get into a row about such a thing with anyone. If the subtle message is ' I don't like you anymore' then fine I will take the notice. Just interested in different perspectives.

Just adjust your present buying 🤷‍♀️

Don't buy to receive. If you aren't happy with the discrepancy then buy less next time.

“I have resisted the urge to play tit for tat and carried on buying what I would anyway.”

Or, you have continued to embarrass a friend by out-buying her despite her obvious move to rein in the gift giving?

But it’s not tit for tat if you buy whatever you want to buy her.

so if you don’t want to spend lots. Don’t

Shes not doing anything wrong by spending what she wants to spend on you

It sounds like your friends is a good judge of character and is present buying accordingly

How were you “sort of a casualty” of another mutual friend being jealous of Angela’s boyfriend?

You are asking whether this person is a friend based her present buying

OP, you sound unpleasant

Definitely adjust your present buying. I say this for your own sake because it will be soul destroying spending hundreds of pounds on thoughtful gifts that you've gone to a lot of trouble finding for someone who either just can't be arsed or is blatantly regifting you things other people gave her that she didn't like. The pots was a shit idea and I'd be offended too if I was spending large amounts on gifts for her. I'm not saying indulge in tit for that but certainly don't put yourself out spending time looking for thoughtful gifts if she puts so little time and thought into gifts for you.

Are pots a worse present than a scarf?

It wasn't always this way and when I deal with her to buy our other friends gift there is no restrictions ( can't think of a better word )

No-one here can tell you if she’s phasing you out, or downgrading you, or short on cash, or thinks you are, or is just jaded with the high cost gifting.

The only thing we can know, is that if you resent spending more than the £17.99 she spends, then it’s nuts to carry on like it’s some kind of moral superiority to do so 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you saw the pots ..yep. Lol.

Maybe I am unpleasant, but I don't see how me being treated differently by this person and noticing it, makes me a bad person.

She answers others texts in our company and buys gifts for others that appear to be with more consideration than mine.

I probably should have written this with the primary as her not answering my texts and thrown the gifts in as an aside. It just so happens today is Christmas day and these are my feelings.

I'm also home alone with covid and probably not feeling my chipper best.

All I will say is that I have been a good friend to them both and have done my best to find presents that are something they would like.

Her present is like something she didn't put any thought into. The pots for reference were the size of my baby finger.

I asked for perspectives not name calling which for some seems to be the automatic go to.

I don't feel superior to anyone, but i do feel I am being treated differently within this group, if that makes any sense. I put this out there more for the view of whether she is ousting me as a friend but doing it in a passive aggressive way when the other behaviour is not answering texts.

Agree with those who suggest adjusting your present-buying. The current situation clearly
isn’t sitting comfortably with you.

Initially I knew and worked in the same building as Angela's very good friend 'Lola' both of whom were single . I had split with my ex and Lola invited me out with her and her friends. This is how I met Angela.

As the months progressed Angela got a boyfriend and she was initially very happy with him. Lola though was very unhappy that her daily contact with Angela was impacted. As time went on there were tensions between Angela and Lola and some of that same tension was directed at me from Lola. I only met him twice but I suppose for Lola she used to see and speak to her friend daily and this was reduced due to Angela now having a boyfriend. Lola was having a hard time with sick relatives so noone said too much because we thought her behaviour was at least in part stress related.

For a long time I never said anything to Angela about how Lola spoke and treated me. One day Angela opened up as to how Lola was talking and treating her. Other friends had also noticed. I wasn't in a good place due to the circumstances of my breakup, so i felt like an injured dog being kicked with some of the things she said and did. When Angela opened up it was apparent Lola was treating us both badly in the similar ways.

Because Angela and Lola lived near each other it eventually came to a head about how Lola felt usurped and Angela felt she was being unfair to expect nothing to have changed and they had words and that was that. I lived a distance away so didnt always see them as frequently .

I did work in the same building as Lola and continued to greet her but eventually she just stopped 'communicating' with me. We ended up polite but passing acquaintances.

Ironically Angela's boyfriend turned out to be not a very nice person and the relationship didn't last a year. Angela did try on a few occasions to meet Lola for coffee after this but it was always too awkward. I opted out of trying as I felt she had overstepped the mark in how she had treated me.

Thanks for your reasoned response.

‘Beautiful salad servers’ 😂😂 wtf.

Like I said I try to get something that I think thw person will like and enjoy. So I tried something a bit unique. I've eaten at her house previously and she likes homewares that are different and pretty. These had beautiful handles on them. Over the years we have exhausted the makeup, perfumes etc so wanted to do something different. I know the kind of things she.likes and style and thought she would appreciate the thought. Obviously not , nor you either it seems.

OP please ignore the sanctimonious posters telling you that you shouldn't care what you're given. Of course you mind if it feels like an imbalance in money and thought. I'd definitely reduce what I give, at the very least.

I think what you want to know OP, is whether she is trying to put you off her by failing to respond to your messages, and giving you considerably cheaper, and less thoughtful gifts? If this is the case, from what you've said, I think the answer to that question is yes. So in your shoes, I would be inclined to withdraw from the friendship, rather than allow yourself to be hurt further, as you are clearly feeling like you don't measure up somehow.

Thank you for this, I didn't think the feedback would make me feel worse tha i do already.

This is it exactly. I probably didn't put it across very well and it was in response to the gift today rather than emphasizing the bigger picture. If I thought she spent £5 but it was thoughtful I would be delighted. The point is she just seems to buy any old thing as if I don't matter, thereby the subliminal message being me and my feelings are irrelevant additional to answering Betty's texts but not mine in our WhatsApp group.
I suppose for this I see and hear the mixed messages I'm being sent from her and the subtleties of what is being said and done which makes me think the gift giving is a symptom of her lack of interest in the friendship any longer.

I just feel if this is her MO it appears a bit of a nasty way to go about it.
Thanks so much for your reasonable response.

Totally get it. It’s not about the gift or the money - it’s about feeling like a shit is being used as some sort of punishment. DH has a family member who does this. If he’s “in favour” he gets lavish gifts and if he’s not he gets token and obviously shit stuff. You/he would rather get nothing!

Agree. It’s a tiny blip in a good friendship