Is this person a 'friend'

[Gruffalo101]

A bit of a long one. I have known this person (Angela) for about 20 years and met her through another friend, but they subsequently fell out due to the others jealousy of a boyfriend Angela had at the time. I was a sort of casualty of that too.

For context :-Angela has a really good job it pays very well and she is quite senior. She drives a large expensive car has her own home and buys herself nice things, not all the time, but usually quality products.

I am a joe bloggs sort of person , just mainstream job (very recently retired) drive an ordinary car but have my own home. I have similar tastes to Angela (but since putting on weight not been able to indulge my love of fashion so much. (Currently losing weight to get myself in better shape).

Over the years in a group of 3 single women we have fallen into the routine of having birthday lunches which the other 2 pay for and usually the 2 paying also club together to get a present. For regular birthdays this is usually @ £25 each and its usually something from boden/white company/ jigsaw, ( or that ilk)even if it is just a voucher.

Angelas last birthday was a big birthday and the other 2 of us bought a present to the value of over £230... a lovely pair of earrings. The third person in the group (Betty) I met through Angela but I don't know her as well but single girls stick together and she is a nice person. Angela would see Betty through work but I live and work about 60 miles away.

Bettys big birthday was 6 months before Angela's and this worked out similarly. My next big birthday is in 3 years , as I'm a bit younger.

So over the last few years there has been for me a noticeable 'reduction' in my gifts , which is is stark contrast to the other gifts that are given. They know where I buy my clothes and what I like /don't like when it comes to clothes, and housewares etc To be clear I do buy things from regular stores so this isn't that i dont. But there seems to be a creeping element of this will do Gruffalo but not for the others.

So for Christmas this year from Angela I have just received a small box of 3 tiny pots , which I looked up online at 17.99 from Amazon and a small packet of tissues. I don't normally look up the prices but as i have noticed this for the last few years i did this year, because I really do feel offended. I hunted down a lovely scarf to go with her new coat and enclosed a book for her Christmas present. Last year i gave her a book and beautiful salad server's. She thanked me for the book., nothing else.

We have a group whatsapp and she doesn't answer any incidental texts but when it comes to organising the night out she will send messages to me such as ' really looking forward to the meet up' etc which contradicts her other behaviour.

It isn't so much the value of the gifts is just appears to be a deliberate choice. This also preceded my retirement by several years so it isn't a consideration to that. They also see the clothes I wear , eg Wrap, Poetry interspersed with M&s and the like. Along with the texts issue I feel I am being sidelined to some degree and this is her less than subtle way of doing it.

So AIBU to feel like this and if so, what to do or say, if anything? I have resisted the urge to play tit for tat and carried on buying what I would anyway. I will never get into a row about such a thing with anyone. If the subtle message is ' I don't like you anymore' then fine I will take the notice. Just interested in different perspectives.

They are when the scarf was deliberately chosen to suit a new coat she had purchased , with consideration given to the colour scheme she mentioned in passing several weeks before.

I can understand why you would notice this and why it would bother you but I don't believe in giving to receive and I think it is ok for people to adjust their buying habits even if it is such that for whatever reason you see that some friends buy you less than the others. You have noticed the trend and it is up to you whether you continue to spend more or adjust accordingly. There is not entitlement to a gift in this context.

Yes thanks Legrandetraitor, It feels like a nasty underhand way to treat someone, nearly like a manipulation.

OP,

I wouldn't say a word at all but would be less available, totally suit yourself, and pull so far back in gift giving that your effort only barely matches theirs.

Don't give them the soot of commenting.

Your question was clear in your OP.

Some posters just revel in the obtuse and unpleasant response.

Wishing you the best OP.

If you read the whole thread I also mention she doesn't answer my texts but in the same group WhatsApp she will answer Betty's. It isn't so much the value but the lack of thought/effort. The other subtleties are that she makes different choices for Betty than me.

Reading other threads on mumsnet about crap christmas presents illustrates how people feel unappreciated when you have put alot of effort in but end up with terrible presents time and time again, especially when you are the one being treated differently. In the workplace this would be called bullying.

It has an impact and I have found this really upsetting. Maybe because I'm not well, and plodding through the day on my own I'm more emotional but I think its mean and nasty behaviour for someone who evidently doesn't value me at all and wants to leave the friendship but would rather do it by these underhand means. This is a long established pattern for how we socialise and give gifts but over the last few years I have noticed how I am being treated differently.

A friend of mine used to go out for coffee with 3 girls she played sport with, one always 'forgot' her purse, left it at home etc. Eventually my friend 'forgot' her purse and left her at the register to pay while she went to the toilet, to avoid the awkward scene. The coffees stopped. People don't like being exploited and treated differently and I'm no different.

I wouldn't do this to anyone. It's really low behaviour, if she doesn't want me to be a friend then so be it, but be straight and tell me rather than gradually and in an underhand way undermine me emotionally through passive-aggressive means, eg the non responses to texts AND the gifts. There are other things that happen (comments and talking over me) which in isolation could be ignored but everything considered it seems to be that is what is happening.

Thank you for the feedback regardless.

I understand how you feel, to be treated different over a period of time does make you feel undervalued. From my experience at pointing it out, it has exacerbated the ‘treating me different’ and ultimately made me the bad person for pointing it out. It’s a no win situation that you could walk away from, I’m not sure I can because it’s a relative😥

Thank you billy1966 , I need to think how I'm going to address this as it is something that just keeps poking at me over time and isn't doing my already crap feelings of self worth any favours.

Think about what you want the outcome to be?.

Think about how will you feel if any confrontation goes pear shaped and the friendship ends?

My point is to focus utterly on what suits you, and act accordingly.

Make sure you come out of this happy and not pissed off further.

Do you wish to remain in contact with them, even vaguely?

Suit yourself completely!

These are the decisions I need to make most definitely. I'm not wonderful at confrontation but need to draw a line in the sand in how she is treating me for my own self esteem if nothing else. Thanks again.

Agree with @Testina

I'm happy to give / receive gifts costing up to around £15. Anything more than that makes me feel rather awkward. So, maybe Angela would prefer to scale down gifts. Or she doesn't realise that you're spending more than she is

I got one of my friends a really nice thoughtful gift, she gave me something clearly regifted. She's not got any money issues AFAIK. Just feels a bit cheap and miserly. I know how you feel op but don't think there is anything that can be done about it other than not buy anything in future or get something smaller xx

and a small packet of tissues

I think that is a very odd gift! Trust your feelings and observations. You are low on the pecking order, and not much valued.

Your limit is £15.... this suits you and you are comfortable with it. This is what you have as an understanding with your friends I imagine. Maybe you're married with family and have different financial constraints or preferences this is up to you. ???

Ours was usually around £25 to £30 for years.
No one erred outside this. No one was outbuying anyone else and it continues to be this...at least for me and Betty. We all felt this was reasonable as we were single with no children or partners and no significant amounts of family members to buy for.

Angela buys the same type of gifts she always has for Betty and vice versa. But for me this christmas it culminated in her buying me a set of 3 , 2 and 3 inch sized pots from Amazon and a packet of 10 tissues.

I don't believe for a minute she is unaware of what she is doing and she isn't doing it to Betty...only me. I feel I am being treated DIFFERENTLY and treated unfairly. She deliberately doesn't respond to my messages but responds to Betty's.

I am sure you would notice if someone started to reciprocate your £15 gift with a £5 box of chocolates you didn't particularly like, after years of buying ones you did like...particularly if they gave a £15 box of your favourite chocolates to your mutual friend.

not sure what is going on here, but a packet of tissues as a present would disturb me. I am imagining ten tissues in a packet or are tissues cloth and different from what I know? If what I understand, that is so so weird and I'd gladly be leaving that person behind to the past.

i feel you're giving this too much thought and money. They are buying token gestures as gifts and that’s perfectly normal and fine. What a person gives does not equate with the importance of a relationship, also while some people do Christmas, others don’t and that’s ok. Best buy something easy like a book or nice socks for birthdays and Christmas’s. I have good friends and we all buy gifts between £5 - £10, just sweet little token gestures.

secondly find some better friends, if people are treating you unkindly give them a bit of space and invest your time in joining new groups and inviting others you like out.

They're paper tissues.

A more pertinent and relevant question would be

Is this OP a “friend”?

And I am pretty sure what the overwhelming response would be

@Ursuladevine have you actually read the thread???
What a bizarre take

When I read your 200 pound for earrings comment I nearly fell over! Personally I think she is trying to rein in spending as opposed to giving a message and I think you’re in dangerous territory if you’re equating gift buying with how much someone likes you. Yes I’ve rtft and I see people’s points but pe have different tastes and also different ideas as to how to save and spend

Well then you would see I am far from being alone in my stance

I think, if it's just the 3 of you on the group, I'd just quietly withdraw. Stop messaging on there and just send Betty private messages if you want to communicate with her. Only reply on the group if you've been asked a direct question about a meet up. That way, you proactively remove the hurt of being ignored by Angela on there.

And yes, less thought and expenditure on her presents in future. The present buying sounds like part of a bigger problem so I wouldn't feel guilty about that.

I think I’d just write back “Thanks for the thought” and disappear.

For clarity the 3rd person in the group had her BIG birthday early within the last year so it was a special occasion not an amount we normally spend on each other by any means. Angela arranged it and a cost discussed and agreed by us both.

Angela's big birthday, came 6 months later, a similar amount was spent on her present as she didn't want to go anywhere specifically unlike Betty. I arranged the gift with Betty's approval re the choice of gift and the cost which she was happy with also.
Regular birthdays the usual spend is @£25 pounds max but these were big birthdays and agreed amongst us all. Angela was not under any duress from me or Betty to spend alot of money on Betty, she arranged it and she proposed the cost and gift to me and I agreed.

As I said we are (or were until I retired this year) all professionals with no dependents so this has been an accepted financial limit on gifts for years. The bigger outlay only came about because of the significant birthdays involved. It is definitely not the norm.

Aside from these 3 people, do you have other friends? Family? Were you with anyone yesterday? Today?