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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What just happened?

78 replies

mermaidtail · 24/12/2022 22:31

They always say to write things down after they happen incase you forget.

Me & DP don't live together, he came round this evening to spend Xmas eve with me & our DD. I've been really unwell all day & said if im still unwell tomorrow I won't be able to go to his dads for Christmas lunch. He said if I don't go then he will only spend half the day with me & DD & then go to his mums as she's really unwell (his mum & dad are separated)
He was in a foul mood when he got here, to the point he said nasty things in front of DD, she then refused to cuddle him or go near him, he said that was my influence.
He said the entire evening was my fault, he called me a piece of shit, said I had a baby on purpose, that he let me live at his for free, loads of shit. He said he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
I asked him to leave 5 times. I then said if he didn't leave I would go next door and ask them to get him to leave, he started getting angry and gritting his teeth at me. (He used to do this a lot but would take my keys and phone so I couldn't leave) so I got really scared, luckily this hasn't happened for a while now.
Its almost like me being unwell is a massive inconvenience for him, he's always really horrible to me whenever I'm unwell.

I managed to eventually get him out the door, the only way I could get him to leave was to agree he could come over to watch DD open her presents.

When he was talking at me and gritting his teeth my anxiety kicked in, because this always used to happen a couple of years ago. I got scared he wouldn't leave. He's convinced he has done absolutely nothing wrong.
I feel so drained, he begged me to spend Xmas with him a couple of weeks ago. His mum called shortly after he arrived and moaned about how unwell she was, so he said he needs to go and spend time with her tomorrow leaving me at his dads house or spend half the day with her if we stay at mine.

I want to call the whole thing off and just spend Xmas with DD at home. I feel like he isn't going to let me do that and will want to take DD to his dads, I've said he can't as he doesn't have a licence so cannot drive her around. I don't want him coming over in the morning, he's upset me in my home and refused to leave when asked.

I feel so so unwell, this is the last thing I needed. Funny thing is he ruins every single Christmas I've spent with him.

He fucks with my head so much, he promised a lovely Xmas and couldn't even manage to be pleasant on Xmas eve.

If I'm moaning about the same thing this time next year will someone please shoot me?

OP posts:

TiredThursday · 24/12/2022 22:47

Sweetheart why would you be with him next week, let alone next Christmas? Bin him off and put you and your daughter first. He scared you and he's scared you previously, you'd be so much better off without him. And probably stronger without him messing with your head. Call Women's Aid for some advice but if he comes to yours tomorrow don't let him in, if need be call the police who'll make him leave. All the best going forwards, you're stronger than you think you are...

Whataretheodds · 24/12/2022 22:51

Lock the door, block the door, and don't waste another moment on this abusive man.

Whoopsywoo · 24/12/2022 22:53

Send him a message and say not to come as your both unwell
go to womens aid to get support - he’s an abuser and is gas lighting you.
hope you have a good Xmas xx

Clarinet1 · 24/12/2022 22:57

OP, if this man has form for abusing you and gaslighting you as you say, you really are better if without him. If he doesn’t live with you he has no right to be your home - obviously things like changing the locks may be difficult over Christmas but if he threatens you or becomes aggressive I think you should call the police. Also, assuming he is your daughter’s father, is he on the birth certificate? I believe this makes a
difference to his rights to access to
her but maybe you should take legal advice on this after the holidays. Also, I’m sure Women’s Aid would be able to help you plan how to break free of this relationship.

TheArtfulStodger · 24/12/2022 22:57

If I was your friend, I'd want to know whats happening and what's just happened, so I could help you with ditching him permanently and getting support with dealing with him from now.

Please tell the people in your life. You deserve help and support to put a stop to this. You don't deserve to be treated so badly by him or anyone else.

Stopthebusplease · 24/12/2022 23:00

I agree with the others OP, why are you still putting up with this piece of shit?
Lock and bolt all doors and windows now, then when he arrives at yours tomorrow, just don't answer, don't speak to him at all, just make out like you're not there if necessary. If he tries to break in, call the police, and tell them that he was on the verge of being violent with you tonight, and you don't want him in your home again.
They will get rid of him. It appears he is the father of your DD, so it looks like you will have to arrange for him to have some sort of access to her, but get advice and in the meantime, I'd be tempted to block him in every possible way.

Oh, and don't worry, if you're back here with the same story next year, I will willing shoot you!!

Original poster

mermaidtail · 24/12/2022 23:06

@TheArtfulStodger This is the problem, I don't have any family around me. I have very few friends since moving away from the town he also lives in.
I'm so lonely that he takes advantage of that to worm his way back in, he doesn't see anything wrong with any of the things he said to me this evening. He called my dad a cunt, an alcoholic, i don't have any love inside me, that im cold, im hateful, I've been really difficult to be around all evening.
I tried so hard, but he is the one saying it was actually him that had made all the effort. He made a dig about me looking after our DD on my own all the time, said plenty of people do it without complaining.

Yet when we are not together he's a different person, all lovey dovey via text, will keep calling if I don't pick up, texts telling me to message back quicker!

Today was my one lie in, and he kept calling me and woke me up, I forgot to silence my phone.
It's like I'm not allowed to be happy.

OP posts:

jetadore · 24/12/2022 23:16

Funny thing is he ruins every single Christmas I've spent with him.

It’s not funny at all. Are these the childhood memories you want your dd to have of Christmas? Make sure he doesn’t get to ruin any more by getting the abusive fuckwit out of your life pronto.

HeechulOppa · 24/12/2022 23:18

Darling, the texts etc are absolutely 100% not lovey dovey - they’re manipulative and controlling. He finds it easy to drop you a few scraps via text (and controlling ones at that!) so that he can be a shit when he sees you in person but all the hard evidence will look like he’s caring. It’s textbook abuse. Get him away from you forever xxx

RandomMess · 24/12/2022 23:19

You need to speak to women's aid, you need to do the Freedom Programme.

Please end it with this abusive man

HeechulOppa · 24/12/2022 23:20

And calling you all the time, demanding you reply faster - can you not see that he’s controlling you? He wants you at his beck and call.

JanglyBeads · 24/12/2022 23:20

Sending supportive thoughts OP. He is abusing you, and yr DD too by making her witness that.

Always4Brenner · 24/12/2022 23:23

Please keep him out now he’s dreadful he really is this is no way to live. Hugs

Original poster

mermaidtail · 24/12/2022 23:35

He had text me (no apology or anything) saying to let him know what time he can come over in the morning to watch DD open her presents.
What do I respond? Unless I say ok it will turn into 30 texts and missed calls. I don't want him here especially after the way he treated me, but he's trying to make me feel it was my fault and that he has done nothing wrong.

OP posts:

dolor · 24/12/2022 23:39

Tell him if he turns up, you will call the police.

thisisasurvivor · 24/12/2022 23:42

dolor · 24/12/2022 23:39

Tell him if he turns up, you will call the police.

Yes to this

Then turn phone off

He comes
You call police

AllOfThemWitches · 24/12/2022 23:42

She is not going to call the police on Christmas, people might as well stop suggesting unrealistic 'solutions.'

Get tomorrow out the way and then make a plan.

In2minds88 · 24/12/2022 23:43

What on earth!? Lock him out and fuck him off! What does he actually bring to your life? Not saying cut him out of DC’s life… but why would you want him as a partner?

You have a child and don’t live together- must be a reason for this. Guessing he doesn’t want to make up the shortfall in benefits??

Member869894 · 24/12/2022 23:44

Stick to your guns op. You and your daughter deserve better.trxt him now and say that if he turns up in the morning you will call the police. And do it. Go online tonight and read the Freedom Programme. It describes abuse and how to deal with it and you will recognise him.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 24/12/2022 23:47

If his driving without a license report him. If he treats you like that walk away and do not look back. Say your not going. Don't open the door. If your living in his property time to consider moving or getting a proper tenancy agreement as without that he can basically walk in as he pleases because its his house.

ScrabbleRabbler · 24/12/2022 23:57

Awful man, best to end the relationship

Letthekidsplay · 25/12/2022 00:01

Good luck for tomorrow I hope you and your daughter have a lovely day just the two of you 💕

jetadore · 25/12/2022 00:10

Tell him what you’ve already written here “I don't want him here especially after the way he treated me”
block his number so he can’t bombard you with messages and lock him out.

Glitterdays · 25/12/2022 00:12

My advice to you is dump this horror of a man.
To help you do so, get on Instagram, look up The crimson kiss, and read every single post she's made.
Enjoy your future without this manipulative waste of space.

Stopthebusplease · 25/12/2022 00:19

Sorry OP, but why are you continuing to post if you're not going to take notice of the responses we've made? I know that sounds harsh, but please LISTEN! Text back, tell him after the way he's behaved tonight you do not want him in your house tomorrow or ever again. Tell him if he turns up you will call the police, and finish by saying that you are now blocking his calls, so not to bother contacting you further until you get in touch with him to arrange contact between him and his daughter, but don't do that until you've taken legal advice. I'm sure there are lots of other ladies on here who will be able to give you more advice on how to do this if you're not sure.

Once you've sent the text, block him, and if he turns up tomorrow, as I said earlier, DO NOT open the door, or speak to him, just make out like you're not at home, then if he tried to break in, call the police IMMEDIATELY!

Wishing you and your DD a wonderful and peaceful day tomorrow.

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