What just happened?

[mermaidtail]

They always say to write things down after they happen incase you forget.

Me & DP don't live together, he came round this evening to spend Xmas eve with me & our DD. I've been really unwell all day & said if im still unwell tomorrow I won't be able to go to his dads for Christmas lunch. He said if I don't go then he will only spend half the day with me & DD & then go to his mums as she's really unwell (his mum & dad are separated)
He was in a foul mood when he got here, to the point he said nasty things in front of DD, she then refused to cuddle him or go near him, he said that was my influence.
He said the entire evening was my fault, he called me a piece of shit, said I had a baby on purpose, that he let me live at his for free, loads of shit. He said he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
I asked him to leave 5 times. I then said if he didn't leave I would go next door and ask them to get him to leave, he started getting angry and gritting his teeth at me. (He used to do this a lot but would take my keys and phone so I couldn't leave) so I got really scared, luckily this hasn't happened for a while now.
Its almost like me being unwell is a massive inconvenience for him, he's always really horrible to me whenever I'm unwell.

I managed to eventually get him out the door, the only way I could get him to leave was to agree he could come over to watch DD open her presents.

When he was talking at me and gritting his teeth my anxiety kicked in, because this always used to happen a couple of years ago. I got scared he wouldn't leave. He's convinced he has done absolutely nothing wrong.
I feel so drained, he begged me to spend Xmas with him a couple of weeks ago. His mum called shortly after he arrived and moaned about how unwell she was, so he said he needs to go and spend time with her tomorrow leaving me at his dads house or spend half the day with her if we stay at mine.

I want to call the whole thing off and just spend Xmas with DD at home. I feel like he isn't going to let me do that and will want to take DD to his dads, I've said he can't as he doesn't have a licence so cannot drive her around. I don't want him coming over in the morning, he's upset me in my home and refused to leave when asked.

I feel so so unwell, this is the last thing I needed. Funny thing is he ruins every single Christmas I've spent with him.

He fucks with my head so much, he promised a lovely Xmas and couldn't even manage to be pleasant on Xmas eve.

If I'm moaning about the same thing this time next year will someone please shoot me?

I just wish I had the strength to completely stay away from him.

You have a child with him. He's going to be in your life until she's old enough to manage her own relationship with him. You need to start putting her first and getting help to establish proper boundaries, because cutting him out isn't an option.

You're a victim of his abuse but she's a victim of his abuse AND your refusal to protect her. Contact Women's Aid and make sure next Christmas isn't like this.

Take yourself out of the equation if you don't have the strength to do it for yourself.

Witnessing abuse damages children, you are literally harming your child by letting her witness this. Social services get involved in cases of domestic abuse because it is that detrimental to kids. And there doesn't have to be physical violence, mental abuse and constant arguments is just as bad.

Think of your child and stay away from him. Luckily for whatever reason you don't live together. Get a 3rd party to help come to an agreement where he can see her and stick to it.

Classic narcissist behaviour from he and his mother.

If he indeed has NPD then he simply isn't going to be able to form normal, non exploitative intimate relationships.

You need to prioritise your daughter as she's at high risk of developing lifelong emotional issues if she isn't helped to understand his behaviour, detach and form healthy relationships with other adults (so building friendships in your new town must be a priority).

Whilst you sound strong enough for his issues not to destroy you, and could well as you say be here in a year moaning about the same thing, it's worth researching and acting on info on how having a narcissistic parent can shape / permanently scar a child.

I reckon that could be the best Christmas present you could give yourself! I hope the day gets better and that you feel better.

Why are you allowing him to do this to you? Your daughter is learning how her future boyfriends should behave, from you and ex. I'd allow him to see her Xmas morning, then tell him to leave at lunch time. I wouldn't allow him to drive her anywhere without a licence! And I would not be driving him anywhere. Love yourself and remember that you deserve better.

Ive just completely ignored all calls and messages. DD has gone to her grandads to allow me a few hours rest. If he wants to go there to see her then that's fine, but he isn't welcome in my home. Not after all the horrendous things he said to me last night.

I genuinely don't think he's mentally stable. He's extremely exhausting to be around, changes plans all the time, you never know which version of him your going to get each day. I also wrote a post about bad personal hygiene a few days ago, that was about him.

After being really awful and vile to me he will act all sorrowful and say 'this is exactly what you wanted, at least you get what you want now with me out of the way etc'.

This weird relationship with his mum is enough alone for me to not bother. Whenever we make a plan she ensures to get in the way by being 'ill'.

I am so done with this man child. I already feel relieved?!

"He used to do this a lot but would take my keys and phone so I couldn't leave"

Stopping you from leaving a home or locking you in (even if it's your home) is a really high risk red flag in domestic violence and the police take it very seriously. You are experiencing emotional abuse, coercive control and gaslighting all of which are an offence.

The longer you're with him the harder it will be to leave and the lower in yourself he will make you feel. Please change your locks, block him on everything and get support from women's aid. Your dd doesn't want to have cuddles with him because she is picking up on the tension he's causing and she's learnt to be afraid of him in those moments and rightly so. Children don't rationalise away their gut instinct for safety the way we do as adults.

You deserve so much more than this.

@Cw112 He blamed her not wanting to sit by him or cuddle him on me. He said she's copying me, I said no she's seen you've upset me & will always take my side.
I've told him he isn't welcome in my home anymore.

The abuse I experienced last night hasn't happened for at least a year, but it was like being back in my old place. It was really triggering for me. As soon as he got here I had a horrible feeling in my belly, he was acting cocky & unpleasant. He got incredibly offended when I asked him not to drink around me (he takes drinking too far every time, I once found him still awake at 3am having drank all the alcohol in the house)

I can't even share a bed with him, & I've had insomnia for years because he used to wake me every half an hour when he was off his head, so now my body wakes me up every hour like I'm on guard even though he doesn't stay over and there's no threat.

I've had counselling, but I'm due to have more intense therapy beginning January.

If you feel lonely, is it feasible to move back where you r from so you aren’t so lonely?

Jesus OP what happened to you to make you think you deserve this?

This man is an abusive piece of shit and I wouldn’t want him in the same place as my daughter. Why haven’t you left him?

Just picked up DD, he has told his entire family how awful I was to him last night, how mean to him I was. He's spent the entire day at home feeling sorry for himself?

"Yet when we are not together he's a different person, all lovey dovey via text, will keep calling if I don't pick up, texts telling me to message back quicker"

This is NOT different. This is controlling behaviour.

Please, please ring women's aid and talk this while situation over with them. You and your Dd deserve so much more. Find support wherever you can to get away from this emotional abuse. You have a whole amazing life ahead of you without this man in it

He’s your ex, now, OP. Keep reminding yourself that he’s now your ex because you deserve far, far better than a man that ruins your Christmas every year, calls you a piece of shit, can’t control his vileness around your young daughter, is horrible when you are ill and controls you by taking your phone and keys so you can’t leave - how fucking dare he, the abusive bastard. He’s not your DP, he’s quite rightly your ex. Keep saying this to yourself and do not cave in. You are choosing to say no to accepting this behaviour. If you cave in, you are going to endure more of the same instead of being single and able to find someone who actually enhances your life.

It hurts that he didn't bother to see our daughter on Xmas day. He lives 10 mins from his dads house.

Op be so careful with contact going forward

Please get some legal advise

Abusive piece of shit

I fucking hate him more than anything. My blood boils at the thought of his face.

I read your post about the hygiene issues. There really is nothing good about this man. Please be strong but do contact someone who can help like others have recommended.

Oh good, I'm glad his day was ruined the nasty little shit.

I'm also glad you booted him out, I remember your other thread, he is DISGUSTING. Getting rid of that waste of space for Christmas? Beautiful.

Thank you so much for the advice. I have sent a really long email to womens aid.
It's really time to let go & seek proper help. I've tried helping myself through journaling etc but I do need someone to speak to.

Just ignore what he tells his family. You don't have any control over that, nor over what they choose to believe. You know the truth. I think I'd probably tell them that I'd prefer that they not tell you anything he says unless they believe it poses a threat to you or DD, or that it will result in him 'badmouthing' you to DD.

Keep that hate burning. It will be what gives you the energy and determination to stick to your guns. Things may get worse with him as he realizes you are serious about cutting him out of your life. But you've got this, you really do!

A PP above mentioned about moving back to where your family and/or friends are. I really think you should consider whether or not this would be a good move for you and DD. If so, I'd do it sooner rather than later AND I'd advise you NOT to tell him you're thinking about it, either. Speak to WA about the advisability and ramifications of moving. Since there's no formal court orders re DD and since he appears to be mentally unstable, a bit of distance may be a very good thing.

It's so great hearing your determination and resolve. You've described so many details of your relationship that are definitely abusive and you and your daughter deserves to live free of abuse. The mentality of abusers is they want to call the shots and are unlikely to listen when asked nicely, they will only back off when there is a serious consequence, so please seriously consider being prepared to call the police if he does turn up or refuses to leave again. You deserve to be respected and police are there to ensure your rights and safety are protected.

There’s only one person in this scenario who needs to be shot, and it ain’t you.

If he wants to go there to see her then that's fine, but he isn't welcome in my home. Not after all the horrendous things he said to me last night.

Oh lovely. I'm so sorry you have had such a shit day but you have SEEN THE LIGHT.

And he knows it. That's why he's being such an arsehole.

The game is up.

I'm so glad you sent a long email to Women's Aid. It might take a while, but they will get in touch.

If he turns up, call the police. Don't let him in.

Call the police anyway, give them his reg number and say he is driving without a license.

Keep him away from you and your daughter.

PS: Keep talking here if it helps. We are here.