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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What just happened?

78 replies

mermaidtail · 24/12/2022 22:31

They always say to write things down after they happen incase you forget.

Me & DP don't live together, he came round this evening to spend Xmas eve with me & our DD. I've been really unwell all day & said if im still unwell tomorrow I won't be able to go to his dads for Christmas lunch. He said if I don't go then he will only spend half the day with me & DD & then go to his mums as she's really unwell (his mum & dad are separated)
He was in a foul mood when he got here, to the point he said nasty things in front of DD, she then refused to cuddle him or go near him, he said that was my influence.
He said the entire evening was my fault, he called me a piece of shit, said I had a baby on purpose, that he let me live at his for free, loads of shit. He said he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
I asked him to leave 5 times. I then said if he didn't leave I would go next door and ask them to get him to leave, he started getting angry and gritting his teeth at me. (He used to do this a lot but would take my keys and phone so I couldn't leave) so I got really scared, luckily this hasn't happened for a while now.
Its almost like me being unwell is a massive inconvenience for him, he's always really horrible to me whenever I'm unwell.

I managed to eventually get him out the door, the only way I could get him to leave was to agree he could come over to watch DD open her presents.

When he was talking at me and gritting his teeth my anxiety kicked in, because this always used to happen a couple of years ago. I got scared he wouldn't leave. He's convinced he has done absolutely nothing wrong.
I feel so drained, he begged me to spend Xmas with him a couple of weeks ago. His mum called shortly after he arrived and moaned about how unwell she was, so he said he needs to go and spend time with her tomorrow leaving me at his dads house or spend half the day with her if we stay at mine.

I want to call the whole thing off and just spend Xmas with DD at home. I feel like he isn't going to let me do that and will want to take DD to his dads, I've said he can't as he doesn't have a licence so cannot drive her around. I don't want him coming over in the morning, he's upset me in my home and refused to leave when asked.

I feel so so unwell, this is the last thing I needed. Funny thing is he ruins every single Christmas I've spent with him.

He fucks with my head so much, he promised a lovely Xmas and couldn't even manage to be pleasant on Xmas eve.

If I'm moaning about the same thing this time next year will someone please shoot me?

OP posts:

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 25/12/2022 00:20

So do you still live in 'his' house?
Or do you have your own house/ tenancy now?
Does he have keys?
Even if he does, can you bolt, or lock the door from the inside to prevent him letting himself in?
How old is your daughter?
You do not have to let him in tomorrow morning.
You do not have to answer his calls or texts tonight.
If you moved away from the town he lives in, and he doesn't drive, how is he planning to get to your house in the morning?
Is there anywhere else you can go (or might like to go) for the day, to ensure that you both avoid seeing him?

Stopthebusplease · 25/12/2022 00:21

Sorry, hadn't realised, it's already tomorrow, lol.

Merry Christmas everyone

mrsdoubtfiring · 25/12/2022 00:26

Look up Stockholm Syndrome

Lalliella · 25/12/2022 00:39

Please dump him. He’s an abusive cunt. You’d be far far better off on your own. Much better for your DD too, she is witness to her mum being abused and will grow up expecting to be treated like this by men too. Get rid of him for both your sakes.

Merryoldgoat · 25/12/2022 00:43

You tell him to fuck off and that you’ll call the police if he turns up, get maintenance sorted and tell him to go to court to sort contact.

nalabae · 25/12/2022 00:44

Why you still with this miserable parasite on your back

amispeakingintongues · 25/12/2022 00:48

Get your daughter at home with you. Call police tell him he's being abusive and you're concerned for you and your daughters safety. He's gaslighting you and sounds like a narcissist who enjoys tormenting you. Do not let him do this.
Also call womens aid and tell them everything you posted. Do all this NOW. Please.

I have been here myself and it only gets worse. Don't let this get worse while you still have time. Xx

watcherintherye · 25/12/2022 00:52

Yet when we are not together he's a different person, all lovey dovey via text, will keep calling if I don't pick up, texts telling me to message back quicker!

How can you think that’s a good thing?
Reply to him saying he’s not to come over due to his behaviour and your ill health and suggest your dd facetimes him when she is opening her presents.

canfor · 25/12/2022 01:15

Send him a text to say do not come tomorrow, that you've had enough of him, if he does show up you will consider it harassment and call the police. Turn your phone off. If he shows up, call the police.

Do not let this play out year after year in front of your DD. Do not accept this treatment from him.

EKGEMS · 25/12/2022 01:54

He can come over at 'half past never on that'll be the day' You should've called the cops on the bastard the minute he refused to leave your home

UneFoisAuChalet · 25/12/2022 02:34

I would put up with Christmas with him tomorrow. Unpopular opinion, but I don’t see him fucking off quietly on Christmas Day. If you said he couldn’t see his daughter, he’d huff and puff and make things awful.

So tomorrow with him, be pleasant and agreeable - all the whole knowing that you will never ever spend any special moments with his ever again. From tomorrow, you will draw those boundaries well ahead of time and ensure he can’t cross them.

It’s your last Christmas of his shit. You won’t be caught unaware next year.

cornishcrusader · 25/12/2022 02:53

I don't want to be depressing but I fear for the OP should she need to call the police. A week ago a child I foster was attacked by an adult male on the bus home from school. Despite other passengers and the driver calling 999, the police were too busy to attend. In fact it took two weeks before they came to interview the child. I admit it was an eye opener that this would be the case. But I wanted to say to the OP that I am not sure we can rely on the police to attend promptly, especially on Christmas Day. I wish the OP good luck in getting away from this vile man.

StillDancingEvenOnTheRainyDays · 25/12/2022 03:06

this is your chance to set your boundaries in place and with very good reason

send a text message and then turn your phone off till x time and then turn it off again.

“I’m not having visitors today. You can face time Dd at x time for presents”

”I’ve told you, I’ve decided, after last night that I’m not having any visitors today” repeat above and say no more

it won’t be easy, it’s easier than letting him think your boundaries are so low they allow that vile behaviour around your D.C. anytime of the year let alone Christmas Eve

it really doesn’t have to be a big deal, it’s not acceptable and there is no further discussion needed at least not for today.

AiryFairyLights · 25/12/2022 07:38

Yet when we are not together he's a different person, all lovey dovey via text, will keep calling if I don't pick up, texts telling me to message back quicker!

This is not a different person @mermaidtail it’s the same person CONTROLLING you when he’s not there! Please please see that! Everything he is doing is about controlling you and breaking you down making you more and more reliant on him. You’re alienated from friends and family, literally dancing to his tune, being told to answer texts quicker……whatever you decide to do about today start raising that YOU DESERVE BETTER and don’t deserve to be treated like this.
I hope you and your daughter have some kind of nice Christmas and I hope you feel better soon - when you do, get away from this poor excuse of a human being and start loving your life as you deserve to - freely x

Peoniesandcream · 25/12/2022 07:42

Sounds like my exH! We're divorced now 😊. He used to deliberately sabotage events, Christmas, birthdays, my graduation etc. Every time I was ill he would act even worse knowing I was vulnerable. Bin him off, kick him out. In a few years time you'll be so much happier!

Greenfairydust · 25/12/2022 09:11

Dump him, change the locks and if he turns up at your door call the police.

Don't stay with a man who insults you, scares your child and makes you feel threatened.

This is not a safe or healthy situation for you and your child.

Listen to people's advice.

Diverging · 25/12/2022 09:17

He sounds utterly vile, not a nice person, serious issues. Doesn’t respect you.
I couldn’t bear to be around him a moment longer.

AwNo · 25/12/2022 10:07

Ltb.
If you rent, you can find somewhere near family can't you? This is your saving grace, that you do not live together. Never let him move back

AwNo · 25/12/2022 10:08

Call the police every time he is abusive at your door

Mentalpiece · 25/12/2022 10:19

What do you mean...... luckily this hasn't happened for a while?
It shouldn't have happened a second time because you should have got rid of him after the first time!
You know what to do, it's down to you whether you do it or not.

hoowhoo · 25/12/2022 10:56

He's abusive, please leave for the sake of your dad

Original poster

mermaidtail · 25/12/2022 11:02

I had about 10 texts and my phone has been going off all morning. I told him to fuck off, that he's a horrible abusive bastard. He said some unforgivable things last night.

Abusers are definitely worse around Christmas. & he's always been extra horrible whenever I've been unwell. Not sure what that's about.

I haven't even read the texts as it's the usual shit 'I'm sorry, don't do this, your doing this to hurt me, let me see my daughter, etc etc.

What really ground my gears last night was he kept changing the plan of what to do today, one minute we were going to his dads, the next he wanted to go and spend time with his mum, he said 'it's difficult trying to keep everyone happy'.

He has a weird relationship with his mum, I've always felt she's been way too much involved in us. If she knows he is coming to see me she will act up and pretend to be really unwell or depressed. It's so strange. He always picks her over me which again is weird. He invites her every time we plan anything.

He really is such a low life, I've known this for a long time. I just wish I had the strength to completely stay away from him.

OP posts:

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/12/2022 11:14

Please rid yourself of this toxic loser today.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/12/2022 11:16

What age is your daughter?

Loneliness is hard but it's worse caving into a vile abuser. You want better than that for your daughter.

WandaWonder · 25/12/2022 11:19

I know someone seem to like drama in their life what whatever reason

If I was you op I would go back and read what you wrote and put my mind into reading it as another person, what would you advise if you read the OP yourself?

And work on your self respect

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