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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No presents from my DP

119 replies

Sarahtnz · 24/12/2022 21:32

First time poster so please be gentle.
My DP has just told me that he hasn’t got me anything for Christmas and that he’s just giving me money. Whilst I’m grateful for the money so that I can buy things I want, I am also really hurt that he hasn’t got me anything at all. Even a bar of chocolate would have been nice!

We have been together for 8 years and have two young children together. I have done all of the present buying for them and also bought him several nice presents.
He claims that he didn’t have the time, couldn’t find anything and that I’m too fussy.

I’m feeling really hurt but he thinks I’m being unreasonable and should just be grateful for the money!

AIBU or would you be hurt too?

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 25/12/2022 08:27

Ah op I'm sorry he didn't bother. Have a chat with him tomorrow and let him know how it's made you feel. It's not acceptable for him to just not bother. Despite what excuse he comes up with it's just laziness on his part.

anexcellentwoman · 25/12/2022 08:34

Perhaps it is my generation but so many people I know, stop doing presents to each other because they don't want stuff. ' Thougtful' gift giving is such an MN mantra. I can totally see why everyone gives things to children. I love gift giving to young adults because they are starting out and need lots of things. A partner you have been with for years, not so much. I hate it becoming a competitive sport to show how much you love someone. I love my husband with all my heart. I rely on him for so many things. I don't need a 'thoughtful' piece of stuff in order to 'prove' themselves in some way.

Fraine · 25/12/2022 08:39

anexcellentwoman · 25/12/2022 08:34

Perhaps it is my generation but so many people I know, stop doing presents to each other because they don't want stuff. ' Thougtful' gift giving is such an MN mantra. I can totally see why everyone gives things to children. I love gift giving to young adults because they are starting out and need lots of things. A partner you have been with for years, not so much. I hate it becoming a competitive sport to show how much you love someone. I love my husband with all my heart. I rely on him for so many things. I don't need a 'thoughtful' piece of stuff in order to 'prove' themselves in some way.

I bet you a £100 if OP did;’t have presents for him he would be annoyed.

These type of selfish men love double standards.

anexcellentwoman · 25/12/2022 08:42

As long as there are posters who want 'thoughtful' non specific stuff, there will be bargains in the charity shops in January. If you want something, treat yourself. Don't insist on a 'thoughtful' surprise

anexcellentwoman · 25/12/2022 08:47

A very real health issue this year within the family has resulted in me reading and contributing to a well known health forum. Again and again, I have read posts from people for whom good news in terms of scans etc is, by far their biggest wish. Or 'the best Christmas present ever'. It has put a lot of stuff into perspective for me. 'Stuff' becomes so unimportant.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 25/12/2022 08:59

My dmum is the hardest person to buy for. My ddad, without fail got a stunning bouquet made and hid it until Xmas morning.

MyDogStoodOnABee · 25/12/2022 09:04

Sounds like the useless husband from Motherland, don’t mention fish kettles or I guarantee you’ll be getting one next year

AngelinaFibres · 25/12/2022 09:04

I found that once I started putting as much effort ( as little) into other people's birthdays,Christmas etc as they did to mine that I felt very much better and far more relaxed. My brother and SIL forgot my birthday every summer for 4 years. After the second year I just ' forgot' theirs too.
With your partner I think you have to use the new year to communicate what you want to change. My husband is on the spectrum so hints, casual suggestions, inference don't work. We go out on our own a week or so before Christmas, have a lovely lunch and then choose my present/ presents in the afternoon. He then wraps them for Christmas day. You could try giving a list,online links, creating a wishlist somewhere. If that doesn't work perhaps you have greater problems than Christmas.

Frazzled2207 · 25/12/2022 09:11

In a similar situation here

have organised 95% of everything to do with Christmas, the other 5% he organised but only when it was specially delegated I.e can you order x from x for x.

I asked for ONE THING (showed him on the website etc) and a box that looked distinctly promising appeared under the tree last night. I go to bed all excited. Except it wasn’t what I asked for it was an old lady foot warmer (I’m 44).

Dh has form for being shit at presents sometimes (not every year Tbf) so I’m not entirely surprised. I think money is really unimaginative and odd if, like us, you basically share money. But as others have said could be useful for going on a nice day/night out. And def leave the kids with him.

some husbands are just shit at presents. I don’t think it necessarily makes them shit husbands. But I get how upsetting it is at the time.

Fraine · 25/12/2022 09:15

I found that once I started putting as much effort ( as little) into other people's birthdays,Christmas etc as they did to mine that I felt very much better and far more relaxed. My brother and SIL forgot my birthday every summer for 4 years. After the second year I just ' forgot' theirs too.

Amen 💯

Fraine · 25/12/2022 09:15

I asked for ONE THING (showed him on the website etc) and a box that looked distinctly promising appeared under the tree last night. I go to bed all excited. Except it wasn’t what I asked for it was an old lady foot warmer (I’m 44).

Don’t give his presents. And don’t put his present to you under the tree. Just ignore it.

NibbledSwitch · 25/12/2022 09:18

He's shown you who he is and what he thinks of you.

My dad was the same and could never understand why my mum was so angry

ClaireEclair · 25/12/2022 09:41

My DH did this too and I was delighted! I got some lovely clothes.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/12/2022 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jesus who pissed in your cornflakes?

Your standards must be very low indeed to think it “entitled” to want a Xmas present from your spouse.

OCDmama · 25/12/2022 09:49

I dunno, my husband and I have been together 16 years and it's always hit and miss whether I get anything or not. He did get me a big bar of chocolate this year.

It really doesn't bother me - I get him practical stuff (a wallet) because I know he doesn't really understand gift giving. But we both try hard with our toddler, and she's a lot more fun to give to!!

Figgypudding123 · 25/12/2022 10:00

I can understand you being upset as there's virtually no thought or effort applied here.
But I don't think it's LTB territory. Some blokes are just very unsentimental when it comes to gift-giving. Maybe he genuinely doesn't get it.

Today, focus on having a nice Christmas Day. Tomorrow, sit down and have an honest conversation about how you feel. See if he can pull his socks up for your next birthday.

Be straight with him and, if he doesn't take heed in future, then you know where you stand

ItsFineImFine · 25/12/2022 10:26

My update is my DH gave me a present after all. A brand new kettle to replace the brand new kettle I bought 3 months ago. He doesn’t use it as doesn’t drink or make tea ( LTB) but felt it took too long to boil…. Literally no idea what to make of that. I appreciate the effort of any gift
am I pathetic?

i also decided after feeling sorry for myself to give a donation to Women’s Aid. It made me feel a lot better.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 25/12/2022 11:15

My dh just gave me a book he wanted. Some points for buying it from an independent bookseller.
On the plus side, I'm charging up the tablet that I bought myself.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/12/2022 11:24

I would give him his presents & I would decline the money. Get through today and then rethink the relationship.

ThePear · 25/12/2022 11:32

Your boyfriend is demonstrating he doesn’t care enough about you, or his kids, enough to give any of you a seconds thought. Is he outstanding and contributes heavily in all other areas of drudgery?

ThePear · 25/12/2022 11:35

To not bother thinking, planning or purchasing any gifts for his kids and chucking some cash at you-just an insult. Plenty of these losers about, by the sounds of it.

Pelo22 · 25/12/2022 11:40

Yeah that's not on

My parents didn't do Christmas gifts BUT they went away every January, so there was an agreement they would buy something for each other then. My mum would see maybe a watch or a necklace and say "that's lovely" and dad would get it her as a surprise for the end of the holiday and vice versa
Cash isn't a thoughtful gift

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/12/2022 11:49

ThePear · 25/12/2022 11:35

To not bother thinking, planning or purchasing any gifts for his kids and chucking some cash at you-just an insult. Plenty of these losers about, by the sounds of it.

I know! Why do so many men these days lack empathy and initiative, and why are women getting involved with them?

VladmirsPoutine · 25/12/2022 12:01

Yanbu - it shows a lack of care. Cash has always been the best present tbh - when people talk about thoughtful gifts I often wonder what kind of things they mean - my siblings have been giving eachother cash among other bits since we first started working.

ThePear · 25/12/2022 12:02

Males get called ‘amazing dads’ for simply existing within a ten metre radius of a kid they chose to create, it’s societally acceptable for them to not reduce their hours to parent their kid, to not cook or meal plan, to not remember clubs, parties, appointments. So depressing. There may be plenty who actually do function, but seems like there’s large swathes of them who do not, yet are found sexually alluring somehow 🥴. The mind boggles.

Maybe OPs boyfriend is spectacular in all other areas.