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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No presents from my DP

119 replies

Sarahtnz · 24/12/2022 21:32

First time poster so please be gentle.
My DP has just told me that he hasn’t got me anything for Christmas and that he’s just giving me money. Whilst I’m grateful for the money so that I can buy things I want, I am also really hurt that he hasn’t got me anything at all. Even a bar of chocolate would have been nice!

We have been together for 8 years and have two young children together. I have done all of the present buying for them and also bought him several nice presents.
He claims that he didn’t have the time, couldn’t find anything and that I’m too fussy.

I’m feeling really hurt but he thinks I’m being unreasonable and should just be grateful for the money!

AIBU or would you be hurt too?

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 24/12/2022 22:17

It's rubbish that he hasn't got you anything if you both agreed to do gifts. Just hunting some cash in an envelope for your partner is lazy - and pretty pointless when you live together and have children together!

Thymely · 24/12/2022 22:22

I'd give him a pass, at least you have some present money you can spend as you want, he may be just lousy at picking presents., you might have got some terrible useless gifts instead.

Notanotherone6 · 24/12/2022 22:22

You have 2 kids. His cash is your cash anyway, or at least, it should be. I'll never understand why a couple who are supposed to be in a family unit are actually selfish bastards.

Bimblybomeyelash · 24/12/2022 22:25

My dh has got me chocolates. I’d rather he had got me nothing to be honest. Either way, it’s pretty disappointing.

Badger1970 · 24/12/2022 22:28

Has he got a gift for anyone else? I think that would be a large part of my reaction.

buttermut · 24/12/2022 22:31

I hope he feels like a mug tomorrow when everyone opens presents but you - it's not kind and I hope he's ashamed of himself. Even if you are a bit picky with things (I am), he could've just taken a risk and gotten a gift receipt for you to exchange. There really is no excuse, he's had a year to prepare. I'm sorry OP, you deserve betterFlowers

Cm078 · 24/12/2022 22:31

I hate exchanging money. Giving £50 to receive £50 back is so pointless.
I would be upset too. Ive told my DP never to do this.

frootyfroo · 24/12/2022 22:33

My husband and I decided not to do gifts a while back as we wanted to spend all our spare money on the DC. He then bought me something after all and told me about it a few weeks ago, so I’ve known for a while. I haven’t got him anything because that’s what we agreed, and now he’s upset as a result. I now feel so guilty and like I’ve let him down. AIBU?

bogbabe · 24/12/2022 22:36

Shame. Hope you are okay.
Unacceptable. Has he not heard of the Internet?

buttermut · 24/12/2022 22:36

frootyfroo · 24/12/2022 22:33

My husband and I decided not to do gifts a while back as we wanted to spend all our spare money on the DC. He then bought me something after all and told me about it a few weeks ago, so I’ve known for a while. I haven’t got him anything because that’s what we agreed, and now he’s upset as a result. I now feel so guilty and like I’ve let him down. AIBU?

Tricky one as he breached the original agreement. And that left you with not much time to arrange a gift for him and perhaps not much left in your Christmas budget either. I would explain that to him and that you'll make it up to him on his birthday😊

BaublesandBangles · 24/12/2022 22:41

I'd rather have the money.

Fraine · 24/12/2022 22:42

Don’t give him his presents. Tell him you didn’t get him anything either.

Family money should be joint money so you don’t need to be grateful for money.

qazxc · 24/12/2022 22:47

I can understand why you are upset. And this comes from the position of someone whose dp gives me cash as a present. The difference is I prefer it. I know I am hard to buy for, and would rather the money be spent on something I want or need rather than something that doesn't get used. Maybe I'm a bit weird, unsentimental in that way. I buy him presents though, or if he sees something he really likes he will buy it and I will reimburse him ( this year is a combination, he got a hoodie printed with the logo of an obscure band he likes and I have bought him stuff to open).

StarCourt · 24/12/2022 22:47

unless theres any back story you havent mentioned, hes a lazy shit.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 24/12/2022 22:49

My dh is great in many ways but for years he was absolutely thoughtless when it came to gifts. It really hurt me. i started buying my own presents and wrapping them for myself. For some reason that seemed to prompt him to get better at being less thoughtless. This year i told him not to buy anything for me as i need some clothes im going to buy in the sales. Ive a hamper basket of presents under the tree from him. 20 years it has taken for him to put some thought into christmas and birthdays etc for me.

so, really it depends what he is like generally towards you. Mine does an equal share of housework, parenting and almost all the cooking, so my solution to treat myself worked for me.

Mardyface · 24/12/2022 22:50

I'm usually all for ltb but it's not really practical on Christmas Eve is it. I do also think that present and gift giving is really culturally defined between even one family and the next. Did his family do presents?

Anyway that's not really the point. You will have to be direct. Open the money and say 'thank you H. I will enjoy spending this but next year I would prefer a present please.' Then he can't say he wasn't told if you happen to still be married to him next year.

Have a lovely Christmas anyway.

TabithaTittlemouse · 24/12/2022 22:51

Mine hasn’t got me anything either but it’s the first year in 10 years and he got me a liberty calendar so c’est La vie!

BigChesterDraws · 24/12/2022 22:54

Cash? Surely you have shared finances so it’s your money just as much as his in the first place?

If you don’t share money (why???? You have children together), and the cash is coming from his money, I’d throw it back at him. There’s a word for a person who gives cash to the person he’s having sex with. And it isn’t “partner”. That just sounds sordid. It’s like he’s paying you.

Bestcatmum · 24/12/2022 22:55

My ex husband didn't get me a Christmas or birthday present for 15 years. The last Xmas we were together he hadn't got me anything as usual and had the brass neck to tell me that there was something he wanted that cost £300. I went ballistic and realised he was only with me because I had my own house and a good job and he got to live with me for free and that was the end of our marriage.

Blossomtoes · 24/12/2022 22:57

1994girl · 24/12/2022 21:50

I'm the same. You just get used to it.

Oh love, that’s so sad. Don’t get used to it, you’re worth more than that.

sjpkgp1 · 24/12/2022 23:06

If you are hurt, then tell him. Otherwise it will become status quo. We sometimes don't do presents, so flipping exhausted with buying for others, we can't be doing with it. I tell the kids not to bother either, they don't earn much, and I am genuinely not bothered. It would be a bit odd for us as a couple to do money as ours is pooled anyway, and if we want something, we are lucky enough to be able to afford to buy it when we want or need it. Although I must admit I would prefer money than something random and token (box of chocolates etc.). There is a CC cream I like that is £40 a go, and I don't buy it as I can't really justify it in my own head. I would spend your money on something really nice that is just for you, and try and move on this time, but yes, if you are hurt, then you should say something, or at least agree that you won't do it going forward.

FluentlyExasperatedMadam · 24/12/2022 23:10

I'm sorry OP, this happened to me last year and it made the kids feel rather guilty. This Christmas we've now separated but i still bought him a few bits from the children. I'd like to think he's done the same for me.but I doubt it.

fallfallfall · 24/12/2022 23:24

nothing you can do about it this year if indeed he is telling the truth.
but you need to raise the bar, you are worth more than a hand over of cash. and even if you want cash there's something to be said about attitude and presentation.
plan for christmas 2023.

Rhayader · 24/12/2022 23:45

As another poster said, I would turn the money into a day and leave him with the kids. Whatever that looks like, spa, theatre etc

justtryingtobenice · 24/12/2022 23:48

Similar to @LorenzoVonMatterhorn - mine was initially terrible terrible gift giver and it made me feel sad and hurt at times. Often a thoughtless present felt worse than nothing at all.

However, I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my friends who told me to LTB. In pretty much every other aspect of life he’s super thoughtful, kind, and helpful, and over time we’ve figured out a system that works for presents as well (we tell each other exactly what we want in advance).

I do still have to take care of presents for everyone else (including his family) but I find it relatively enjoyable vs. the numerous thankless tasks he takes on throughout the year (most recently taking my car for an MOT).

I’m not excusing your DH’s actions as I wouldn’t be happy either but maybe putting it in perspective can help you decide if it’s part of a pattern or he’s just bad at gifts?