No presents from my DP

[Sarahtnz]

First time poster so please be gentle.
My DP has just told me that he hasn’t got me anything for Christmas and that he’s just giving me money. Whilst I’m grateful for the money so that I can buy things I want, I am also really hurt that he hasn’t got me anything at all. Even a bar of chocolate would have been nice!

We have been together for 8 years and have two young children together. I have done all of the present buying for them and also bought him several nice presents.
He claims that he didn’t have the time, couldn’t find anything and that I’m too fussy.

I’m feeling really hurt but he thinks I’m being unreasonable and should just be grateful for the money!

AIBU or would you be hurt too?

I pick.up boys through the year I k ow DH will love. I think he leaves it until last month but he does get me nice gifts he knows I will like. Some gifts tend to be a bit repetitive like my favourite chocolates, Xmas fluffy socks, my favourite perfume, then about 8 suprise gifts. Sometimes a jumper or a book he know I will enjoy, a weekend break away or a spa day. I would tell your DH you are disappointed in the lack of effort and love he put into your gift.

My DH went to the local Tesco tonight and snuck upstairs to wrap my presents which are:

A puzzle companion magazine
A mini bottle of prosecco
A broken bar of chocolate

He does not love you.

Mine did the same. It’s so upsetting. He made a vague comment about giving me cash earlier this week. I even gave him a list of two things I would love a few weeks ago ( specific handmade chocolates available in our local village and supermarket and / or cashmere anything new or secondhand). He also gave me cash for my 40th a few months back that I have yet to see and when I asked for it he joke refused to give it and I’ve yet to see it.

For me I agree with everyone else - it’s disrespectful and mean and lazy. Shows me exactly what he thinks of me. He doesn’t love me and has been showing me this for a while, the presents are a by the by.

If my husband gave me money, well I would be bewildered because I have the access to our money as he does. I realise that you are not married, but you have joint children so I would see it the same way.

I found out I'm getting a Star Wars phone cover tomorrow. I absolutely hate Star Wars ("but ds loves it" ffs not his phone dh!!!)

I much prefer the cash! Just make sure you spend it all on yourself! Treat yourself to what you actually want!! My fella will ask me what I want and other than a list of perfume options I always say just give me the money ha! And lots of it!!

So he didn’t give you cash? He gave you an “iou” that’s different.

We don't do presents to each other. If we want something during the year we buy it. We used to do presents but it is expensive and there is often the chance that it will be wrong or not the right colour etc.
When we were first together a million years ago, I used to give my husband 'thoughtful ' presents. I quickly realised that my 'thoughtful ' was actually wrong . Often it was me choosing something that had caught my eye so subconsciously it was a gift that I liked. He liked maps so I bought him a framed antique map. He liked maps as a tool, not one that was out of date, and only for decorative purposes. It taught me a lesson and I then bought only what he suggested but still had the capacity to get the type, size wrong.
Now we sort ourselves. I really don't like stuff for the sake of it and I would much rather have the space.
So many women in here claim to buy their husbands really thoughtful presents but they are surprisingly reticent when I ask about the gifts in the hope of nicking some ideas.
As a child, Christmas was often spoiled by my mother sulking over my father's gifts to her. It created a horrible atmosphere. My brother as an adult told me that he had had a nightmare about giving my mother a gift she disapproved of.
The relief now when I don't expect or give presents to my husband is immense. I buy them for other family members ( and get it wrong on occasions).
All the LTB comments above make me anxious. Gift giving is an emotional obstacle course, designed to catch people out.and create bad feeling. The exception is for children. Buying for them is a privilege and enormous fun.

I don't like tat, the older I get the more I like something useful. This sounds terrible but I was a bit relieved a relative couldn't get to the shops this year and I didn't get the usual stream of plastic keyrings, stone bracelets etc!! Complete waste of money.

Can you just both agree to go shopping together and buy each other something you'd like?

I agree @704703hey
So much present giving involves supposedly ´thoughtful ´ tat. So many women seem to get emotional ly attached to gift giving and then sulking if they are not given a 'thoughtful' present in return. I thought the Christmas edition of Motherland got it spit on with Meg and her husband buying each other wildly expensive gifts that neither of them actually liked.
I would so much rather have empty space than ´tat'. Sadly it seems a lot of posters on here still expect 'thoughtful ´ ( hate that word) presents and sulk when their partners or children get it wrong

He’s a miserable bugger, but looking on the bright side he gave you the heads up first.

Save yourself some money - put £20 in a card and take his presents back.

I would be hurt too and it wouldn’t have anything to do with wanting to be showered with expensive gifts. I would be hurt by the total lack of effort and consideration. One of the best gifts I’ve ever received was a hamper containing lots of inexpensive yet very thoughtful presents. They were just little things that I really enjoy and things I may have mentioned in passing years ago. It proved to me that they’d really been listening to all the silly little conversations we’d had over the years where I’d talked about things I loved as a child or things that were in some way associated with special memories. For example, there was a specific sweet that I liked when I was little and my Dad used to get for me. There are some lovely memories that go along with it, especially as my Dad is no longer with us. I’m fairly sure I only ever mentioned it once and that would have been a few years ago. I didn’t even think you could still get it but they’d remembered and gone to the effort of finding some for me. I know that probably sounds daft and soppy but it meant the world to me

I've just said this on another post, but I find this sort of thing, just shows a complete lack of care, thought and consideration for the one person you're supposed to love above everyone else (except kids of course).

@Mixedupkids umm yes when you put it that way….

Total lack of effort and you have every right to be disappointed in him .

Sounds like he left it till the last minute and then didn’t have the time/inclination to think about it properly. Do you think it’s indicative of bigger problems in your relationship / the way he treats you? I would take the money, spend it on nice stuff and then not do presents with him again.

Whether or not I’d be hurt in this situation would depend on how else my DP was in our relationship. Some people just don’t enjoy shopping or see that material gift = caring. Does he generally treat you with love and respect? Do things for you? Appreciate you?

My husband hates shopping and present buying but even he is able to get me a couple of gifts. We have a little tradition of getting each other something nice to eat (chocolate), something to read and something to wear. The first two can be found easily in shops he goes to. I choose the something to wear myself usually but that’s ok - present buying is not my husbands love language. He gives time and energy to other things in life that I’m grateful for and that make me feel happy and appreciated. When we first met I did feel a bit resentful but only because I was being materialistic and focusing on the wrong stuff.

I'd find this hurtful. And it's not up to him to decide if his behaviour is ok or not. You're hurt by it. Everyone values thought and care.

One way or another that would be the last time that I let a 'D'P pull that kind of shit.

Cash as a gift in this situ is weird. Do you two not have shared finances?

Because if not, well..... you're not legally married (after eight years and two children) and don't share finances.... what is this relationship actually built on?

Well I have made a right boo boo .

I told my husband I would buy my own gift this year (sick of him wasting money that we don’t have a lot of , on shite I don’t like )

and I have realised yesterday (when he asked ) that I had forgotten me , and now run out of money .

ilk get something in the sale

Mine hasn't bothered either, which has pssed me off to the extent I'm now spending Christmas alone. What's the fucking point of spending it with someone who isn't even bothered, he said I'm too hard to buy for, pick what I want & he'll pay for it
.. I left his gifts at his & came home.
He's got his parents nice presents though. So that's all right

I'd be upset by the lack of effort so no in my view yanbu. However what do you intend on doing about it. Quietly seething or being upset gets you nowhere. Mention it maybe not today but in a few days say that the lack of effort upset you and you'd prefer presents over money next time. See where it gets you.