To donate my sperm or not?

[Ineedlegalhelp]

My female friend, in her mid 40s, is asking me to help her conceive by sleeping with her without protection

i am 40 years old. Single. Unmarried. And without a child. All my choice
She is also single, unmarried, and without a child but desperately needs/wants one

Is there any way I can do this for my friend, and still protect myself from compulsorily having to pay child support?

I worry that I may be pursued for child support in the future. Although she is promising she won’t do that, I want to be sure, legally speaking, that I can protect myself and my finances

Any advice please

I don't think you can be sure there is no financial come back.

She's not planning on asking you for anything right now. She's on good money right now. But, as has been pointed out, there's no guarantee she'll have a straightforward pregnancy or birth, and her child may require so much care that she decides to jack in work.

Once she has her baby, she'll always put her baby first - and that includes ahead of any promises she's made to you. It's not personal. If she has a vastly reduced income and is struggling, of course she'll pursue you for child support. She'll do what's best for her child and that means acquiring funds in any legal way possible.

If you remain in her life, it's going to get complicated being mummy's friend, but not daddy. If you don't stay in her life, it's going to be weird getting your head around knowing about a child with your genes and not being in that child's life.

Let's face it, if you wanted to help someone make a baby, you'd have donated to a sperm bank ages ago, and all parties involved would have had clear boundaries emotionally and financially. You wouldn't have considered this had your friend not asked.

The only reason to not use a sperm bank is cost, and if she's struggling with money now, she'll struggle even more when she has a baby. Which circles back to coming after you for support.

It's a bad, bad idea. Be there for her on her fertility journey, but don't sleep with her or donate your sperm in any other way.

My son has just had a son. The child is the absolute spitting image of him. How are you going to feel when you see your child and they look just like you. Do you have parents ? I would feel very sad knowing that a child who was my grandchild, my flesh and blood, was out and about in the world and I either hadn't known about it or knew but wasn't allowed anything to do with that child. How would your friend feel if members of your family wanted a relationship.

This. Come on op it's a no brainer really

The risks are higher for some chromosomal abnormalities, yes, but it is not “very likely that the child will have issues”. I had my children in my forties, as did several of my friends, and none of us have children with any congenital problems. My consultant at the time told me that problems were uncommon.
Until the advent of the pill many women had a last baby in their forties, and it certainly was not the case that most of those children had health problems problems. My great grandfather, his uncles, his great aunts, all were born to women well over forty.

But anyway OP. Of course this is a bad idea, unless you also want a baby and will co-parent.

It's very easy, when you don't have children, and never saw yourself having any, to think that it's just a baby. You did your bit and that's it. But it's not. That child will look like you ,have characteristics that come from you, have health issues that come from your side of the family. That child will want to know, as they grow, where they came from, why they look like they do, why they have hair that's not like their mother, eyes that are different. Who was my dad, why don't I see my dad, where are my grandparents etc etc. Once that child is on its way you are tied forever whether you like it or not.

You are correct but this child will not be born to 2x parents who are committed,as a team, to enjoy the absence of issues or to support if there are issues. The Op will serve his purpose, then expect to leave. His friend has no idea what is coming and older father's have a higher risk of having autistic children.

You will be liable for child support, no matter what. All it takes is a change of mind and a dna test. Tell her get AID from a clinic

Take the top ten good reasons from these posts and write them out as bullet points, then send the list to her, headed, 'here's why I can't/won't donate my sperm to you'

Of course she can pursue you for child support, unless you both go to a solicitor and draw up a no obligation contract but the solicitor may well not contemplate it.

Just don't do it. The ramifications,particularly for the child would be enormous.

Tell her to get artificially inseminated at a clinic if she's that desperate.

Oh, and £2000 a month might sound ok to a single person but she'll struggle to afford childcare, so she'll be contacting you via CMS.

No! No! No!

Aside from all the other obvious issues, even if she promises now not to pursue child support, she could change her mind at any point.

don’t be a fool. Hard no.

Another woman here saying don't do it. And of course she will ask you for money - she will, as others say, put her child first. If she's struggling, nursery fees take most of her money and she sees you enjoying holidays, a new car, a nice place to live she will become resentful, (quite rightly).

If you meet up for lunch or drinks or coffee as you presumably do now from time to time - and she says she can't afford the rent or a new coat or Christmas - or "your son" needs private speech therapy or a new car seat...- and you say "Sorry - that's not the deal".

And if you fall in love at forty five with someone younger, (as so many men do), and suddenly want a child of your own with her you'll have to explain. New GF may be uncomfortable with that. And if your friend sees that you do have a new baby who has everything her child doesn't - how's that going to play out?

And really could you see your child go without? And could you tell that child when he's ten or fifteen or twenty one that no, you didn't ever want to have anything to do with him, or her?

You don't need arguments you just need to say no. (Suggest a sperm bank if you think it would help)

She can never make that promise because her circumstances (or the child's) might change. What if she dies or is disabled in a car accident?What if the child is needs 24-hour care for life ? What if the child , grown up, seeks your support at university; or claims inheritance rights from your estate .

The only reason she wants to be directly impregnated by you; is because at some very deep level she counts on your personal relationship, being able to trace and contact you, as the ultimate fail-safe backup for her and the child.

If she wanted absolute privacy, independence and no-strings uninvolvement, she'd go to a donor service .

No just no.

Tbh I am wondering why she wants to have sex with you rather than use the turkey baster method.

I understand from a friend who used a sperm donor in her 40s that it can be difficult to find a UK clinic due to age restrictions past 40. She went to a clinic in the Czech Republic.

Crazy idea. And £2k per month is nowhere near enough to raise a child single handedly.
More than half of that would go on childcare each month.

Just say no. And mean it.

You would be crazy to do that. You would be liable for child support and the friendship would become very messed up if you have sex and a child. She ought to also be wary as you could seek access rights.

She can buy a sperm sample. Frankly if the cost of that is a worry for her then she can’t afford the costs of bringing up a child. But I don’t think cost is her issue, for some reason she wants it to be your baby 🙈 and she wants sex not DIY insemination from a cup?! She isn’t just a friend, she has a thing for you.

This has disaster written all over it, back away slowly.

This. It’s not up for debate. Tell her to find some other mug.

This ^ 🙄

My intention is not to even have sex with her. It is this turkey blaster method I was considering.

but I doubt if that will give me any legal protection. I seriously doubt

Don’t be a dope.

No you can’t get out of paying for your kid if she asks you too. And neither should you be able to.

Tell her you’ve thought about it and you don’t want the complexity of a child wanting a relationship with you later. It would be much cleaner for her to use a proper sperm and so she should stop being a skinflint and do that

Thanks to everyone who commented on this thread. Very many thanks to you all. I have learnt a lot. Every single person practically told me NO, don’t do it

Thanks!!!

A proper sperm donor

I’m not suggesting you don’t have proper sperm, obvs 😁

Don’t do it. A sperm bank and medical supervision is what she wants, not a friendly arrangement that might, for a million possible reasons turn out to be anything but friendly.

She’ll hold all the cards and there wom’t be anything you can do about it.

I’ll say it again, don’t do it.