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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's really fucking hard being married/in a relationship to someone who's self employed or owns a business?

121 replies

Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:29

Does anyone else here have a spouse or partner who is self employed or owns a business and isn't it just really fucking hard sometimes?

My husband owns a fairly successful business. We are very fortunate in that regard and I am grateful. But I am so lonely sometimes.

We rarely do anything together, he works 6 days a week and the 7th (which he also sometimes works) is then a write off because he's so tired. We never holiday together, never do anything fun together with our DC, everything with the DC and at home is done by me simply because he's just not around (I work PT).

He's always tired or stressed. And I just think is this fucking worth it? We are financially stable and I understand that is very very fortunate especially right now but I feel like I have no partner. Everything I do I do by myself or with friends who take pity on me and invite me to their family things.

This is a woe is me post I'm aware so apologies but is anyone else in this situation?

OP posts:
SafelySoftly · 22/12/2022 10:35

Do you work as well? Sounds like this is unsustainable going forwards,

AHelpfulHand · 22/12/2022 10:35

Me! I hear you!

Never taken paternity leave
Never been on holiday as a family (eldest child is 10)
Very rarely comes on a day out with me and the kids.
Never been to the cinema, play centre, park with the kids.

it’s just me and the kids and him on his own.

He earns really good money ( 160k after tax)

this means I don’t need to work and our mortgage is paid off, but I do feel it’s come at a massive sacrifice.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 22/12/2022 10:35

I sort of get it it can be lonely but you can't run half a business you have clients or customers that expect depending on the business a 5 /6/7 day service,
you either have to employ other people when you may not actually have enough work for another full time employeee or you have to not grow, the sort of in between stage is very hard, not enough work for 2 but not in a postion to turn down work either and deadlines are deadlines it really depends on the type of business whether you can be unavailable for a week or more at a time

Sparklybutold · 22/12/2022 10:35

My DH was self employed for 3 years before he (we) decided he take employment with one of his contracts. Although the money was good we never saw each other and it had a real impact on family dynamics. It can be incredibly difficult.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:41

AHelpfulHand · 22/12/2022 10:35

Me! I hear you!

Never taken paternity leave
Never been on holiday as a family (eldest child is 10)
Very rarely comes on a day out with me and the kids.
Never been to the cinema, play centre, park with the kids.

it’s just me and the kids and him on his own.

He earns really good money ( 160k after tax)

this means I don’t need to work and our mortgage is paid off, but I do feel it’s come at a massive sacrifice.

This sounds EXACTLY like our life. When our child was born I think he came home early for 2 days and then that was it.

Never been to a play centre with them, had about 2 days out as a family in our child's entire life. Never had a holiday together or even a short break.

His whole life revolves around work and ours to an extent too because it's all we seem to talk about when he is at home too.

He is, and he admits this himself too, a bit of a workaholic.

There's lots of pressure and I'm really proud of what he's managed to do but I feel like I'm constantly having to slap on a smile and pretend everything is fine for his sake to not add even more stress.

OP posts:
PlatinumBrunette · 22/12/2022 10:41

My DH would say the opposite. Me being self employed has enabled him to work (in employed status) the way he wants, live the life he wants. Being self employed has allowed me to do the child-care, and all that surrounded it. I choose my hours to fit around family. (DC have left home now). I work in the evenings, mainly. We’ve had great holidays.

It sounds like your DH needs to employ more people, outsource as many tasks as he can. Or perhaps he’s a workaholic, which often goes hand in hand with self employment. Because we love our work.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/12/2022 10:42

The problem is not running a business, the problem is working stupid hours. Dp runs a business and has never done that. I love it because of how much flexibility it gives him to be around for the dc. When they were little he went down to four days a week (worked around my working hours) and now he is generally able to be off for school things/to take the dc to appointments etc because he is in charge of his own time. He's much more flexible than I am!

givethistokevin · 22/12/2022 10:42

I was self employed for years and found the opposite tbh. It suited me to choose my hours, ok so I did t get paid holidays or sick leave etc but the freedom it afforded me was much more valuable.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:43

Or perhaps he’s a workaholic, which often goes hand in hand with self employment. Because we love our work.

He is a workaholic and he loves his work. I also suspect and he's sort of agreed in the past that he's a bit of a control freak. He does have employees already but I don't imagine he'd ever want to take a step back because he likes to know everything about everything going on and takes on too much himself because he wants to be in charge if that makes any sense. He's not good at delegating.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 22/12/2022 10:44

I hear you. DH not only runs a business but I work in it too.

We've had 5 days off this year, and I'm currently trying to juggle a terminally ill Dad in a hospice on top of it all.

I'm pig bloody sick of it, tbh, and whilst we have a good income, I'm not always sure it's worth the sacrifices.........

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:45

givethistokevin · 22/12/2022 10:42

I was self employed for years and found the opposite tbh. It suited me to choose my hours, ok so I did t get paid holidays or sick leave etc but the freedom it afforded me was much more valuable.

Gosh it's the complete opposite for us. I found it less stressful and more of a balance with family life when he was employed! He at least has SOME downtime at weekends/ didn't need to bring his work home all the time etc.. now it's like he never ever stops. If he's not in work which is rare he's thinking about it or talking about it or planning something to do with it. It's consumed absolutely everything in our life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:46

Badger1970 · 22/12/2022 10:44

I hear you. DH not only runs a business but I work in it too.

We've had 5 days off this year, and I'm currently trying to juggle a terminally ill Dad in a hospice on top of it all.

I'm pig bloody sick of it, tbh, and whilst we have a good income, I'm not always sure it's worth the sacrifices.........

Same here! I work PT in the business! I'm a bit more like PPs have said, flexible around our children and family because one of us needs to be!

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 22/12/2022 10:46

We are on holiday. OH is either working or sleeping. He think he needs to work around the kids being up, so works at night, then sleeps for during the day, unless he is in (virtual) meetings…

pinkpotatoez · 22/12/2022 10:47

The issue isn't that he's self employed it's that he's a workaholic and chooses work over time as a family. The fact he didn't even take time off for his child's birth would show me he's not a family man and I wouldn't have any more children with him. My dad barely did anything with us as a family growing up and I have resentment towards him because of that, seeing other children's dads doing things with them made me very jealous. Please don't put up with this for the sake of saving a relationship with your kids and their dad.

Irishfarmer · 22/12/2022 10:48

I married a farmer 🙈 no clue what I was thinking. Tbf he took a few sort of half days when DS was born. And before he was born he often works it so that we can have a Sunday off somewhere, just has to be between about 8am and 6pm max. The odd time we get a night away.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:49

I feel so sad sometimes when I see my friends all having holidays with their husbands and children or going out together as a family.

DH says that will be us "one day" but at this rate DC will be gone by then.

If I didn't have such good friends and family who are basically willing to share their lives with me so I'm not constantly on my own I'd be depressed quite honestly.

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 22/12/2022 10:50

Honestly its not the job. Its the person.

My ex is in the building trade. So I was always being told " we can't afford it " when one time in months/years I asked him to take the time off so he can take the kids and I can visit a friend/go to a wedding. He chose to work 6 days a week sometimes supposedly because we needed the money but would then go to a criemds hose afterwards so was unavailable all day despite only working the.mornimg. funnily enough days could he taken off if he wanted them to as he wanted a day off to recover or go somewhere.

Incidental he also had an office job when were were first together. When dd1 (16) came along he was out almost every night " networking" so I.was home alone let a baby every night while he was in the pub.

Its not the job.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2022 10:50

You describe him as a workaholic - he'd probably act the same in an employed role.
I imagine it's easier than being married to someone with an unsuccessful business or a single parent - but at the end of the day you need to look at why he chooses to use work as an escape/excuse from family life.

BroomHandledMouser · 22/12/2022 10:52

Yes!

We run our business together with two other twats directors and the impact it’s had on our family and marriage has been unbelievably hard.

Working weekends/late nights/OOH calls. Even on holidays there’s phone calls, emails it just never ends.

I’m looking to leave but I feel like it’s a spiders web in terms of dividend payments/shares I actually don’t know where to turn or even how to start the process.

I feel like I’m enabling this somehow and I don’t want to be apart of it anymore.

It’s so hard, I know exactly how you feel.

Badger1970 · 22/12/2022 10:52

I don't think it's being a workaholic, it's being entirely dependable for something and not having the ability to switch off. I tell DH constantly that home is home, and we don't talk about work but it's all his brain is wired to think of. We've got 8 staff and that in itself can be a lot of stress.

Lockdowns were actually a joy in some ways for us because it's the longest we've ever had at home together and the 1st time in 30 years that I've known DH to truly switch off.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:53

Badger1970 · 22/12/2022 10:52

I don't think it's being a workaholic, it's being entirely dependable for something and not having the ability to switch off. I tell DH constantly that home is home, and we don't talk about work but it's all his brain is wired to think of. We've got 8 staff and that in itself can be a lot of stress.

Lockdowns were actually a joy in some ways for us because it's the longest we've ever had at home together and the 1st time in 30 years that I've known DH to truly switch off.

We were actually busier than ever during lockdown which is great but was also very hard!

OP posts:
belimoo · 22/12/2022 10:54

This was my dp for about 3 years while he was setting up his business. It was incredibly incredibly hard and nearly broke us.

It's very different now it's established though.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:55

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2022 10:50

You describe him as a workaholic - he'd probably act the same in an employed role.
I imagine it's easier than being married to someone with an unsuccessful business or a single parent - but at the end of the day you need to look at why he chooses to use work as an escape/excuse from family life.

This is the thing, he didn't when he was employed! I so so preferred our relationship when he was employed. We didn't have as much money and the future prospects in terms of finances may not have been as good but we actually spent time together, we didn't come home and talk about work constantly. I really hate to say it but I didn't find it as dull. I feel so so awful saying this but I feel like it's so boring now almost. We just don't do anything fun together it's all so dull and work orientated.

OP posts:
asilikeit · 22/12/2022 10:55

Yep and we are getting divorced. Wouldn't say it was a a bad as you describe - we've holidays eyc together quite a bit but it's an obsession. Not the only problem but it's pushed me away which has caused other problems I would say. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:57

asilikeit · 22/12/2022 10:55

Yep and we are getting divorced. Wouldn't say it was a a bad as you describe - we've holidays eyc together quite a bit but it's an obsession. Not the only problem but it's pushed me away which has caused other problems I would say. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is an obsession definitely.

I often feel like he just doesn't have the capacity to think or care about the fact I feel neglected in terms of our relationship. He's too busy for that. And I'm supposed to just accept that because he works hard.

OP posts: