To think it's really fucking hard being married/in a relationship to someone who's self employed or owns a business?

[Sighhh]

Does anyone else here have a spouse or partner who is self employed or owns a business and isn't it just really fucking hard sometimes?

My husband owns a fairly successful business. We are very fortunate in that regard and I am grateful. But I am so lonely sometimes.

We rarely do anything together, he works 6 days a week and the 7th (which he also sometimes works) is then a write off because he's so tired. We never holiday together, never do anything fun together with our DC, everything with the DC and at home is done by me simply because he's just not around (I work PT).

He's always tired or stressed. And I just think is this fucking worth it? We are financially stable and I understand that is very very fortunate especially right now but I feel like I have no partner. Everything I do I do by myself or with friends who take pity on me and invite me to their family things.

This is a woe is me post I'm aware so apologies but is anyone else in this situation?

This is a ridiculous post.

Of course this might be the case, but it equally might not be. Lots of small businesses and start ups are a 24/7 enterprise, because it’s not possible to have the support you would in an established or decent sized business.

The idea that you’d think your experience is going to apply equally to all of the hundreds of thousands of small businesses in the Uk is epic level bonkers.

This is both DH and I (separate businesses). We are like ships that pass in the night. One of us takes over looking after DC as the other one works - every single day: weekdays and weekends. When we do get the odd hour together in the same room, one of us is usually asleep. It's bloody hard work but it's what we need do to, to keep a roof over our heads.

My father was a workaholic but his industry required it & financially it was lucrative. However I decided pretty early on to not marry someone similar, they don't make great husbands!

You are under no obligation to put up with his behaviour.

Family law has your back, if he won’t make changes to give you more attention you always have the option to divorce and take half his precious business.

Hell, you could get on Tinder now for some attention and still take half his stuff in the divorce.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline I felt this too! We have 4 kids. Oldest is 9 youngest is 3. We have 2 businesses. I do 100% of child care, housework and life admin. Plus I do all aspects of admin for the business. Whereas he does the physical aspect of the businesses. Yet I'm always asked if I'm proud of him and how hard he works whilst I'm literally falling apart.

What does he do that he would have more time off in the winter? Just being nosey!

Divorce lawyer?

I'm self employed and it's great. Work flexibly to suit me, time to sort family life, good income for the hours worked compared to employed life.

But I'm not a workaholic, love holidays, like spending time with my family.

It's not that he owns a business, it's that he's way unbalanced in favour of his business versus anything else in his life. And that's a him issue, not a business/Self employed issue.

I don't think the previous post by Clymene was ridiculous at all. I too think Op is being played.

Do you have low self esteem. Why would you put up with this? You know it's not ok.

Plus how much is he actually earning. (Another poster mentioned £160k which is a great / substantial sum). But if you work out his annual income, then how many hours he does per month, I bet it's not great.

Do you have many employees?

That sounds really difficult. DH is military and deploys for months at a time but honestly what you describe sounds much harder.

@Hahahahohoho I can see you've quoted me but not any response underneath sorry. It seems to be an issue I'm having with Mumsnet that it doesn't show comments under quoted posts.

At least your businesses are doing well

Dp's business (related to events/hospitality) tanked in Covid - it was so stressful. He ended up self employed but not even earning minimum wage. Had to eventually close the business and was then unemployed for 2 years while he tried to set up another. Only now is he starting to find his feet again but now has debt and all sorts from Covid times.

Luckily I was employed but had I been working in the business, it would have been a disaster

Seasonal tourist type business. Only open March through October but busy all the time, just not quite as busy!

I'm self employed and don't recognise your description of it at all.

I take six weeks off a year and am currently in the middle of my two week Christmas break.

I rarely work evenings and almost never work a full weekend. Mostly I work five days a week (daytime only) plus the odd weekend job that takes a couple of hours.

We have plenty of holidays and time together, I have time for my hobbies (I tend to fit them in during the week so I can the weekends free) and overall we have a great work-life balance.

The problem is your husband, not the fact that he's self-employed.

doesn’t have to be this way
I ran a business for four years
however it was never our main source of income and was mostly term time (related to school aged kids). As everything was on my own terms it was generally a good decision for the family. It wasn’t for me though, the responsibility and stress was overwhelming at times and I’m now an employee again and much happier.

running a business def does not have to be a 24/7 thing but it can easily become one without a lot of determination for the opposite

As the self employed main breadwinner I think there could be a few things going on.

The one that I know I suffer from a lot is uncertainty. So we also make a good living off my business. But.... it always feels a little precarious. For example, we were flying high late last year/early this year (after a slow down during covid) then work just totally dried up in the summer and autumn, wiping out the buffer we had built up. Now we are v busy again but it's hard to tell if that will continue or we will slow down. As a result, when this happens, I can be a bit stressy.

Having said that, I am working really hard on being better at that. At being more present when I am here instead of taking the flexibility that self employed brings but then being only half here.

He could also just be an old-fashioned workaholic / control freak who thinks the business will fall apart if he's not here.

But it's on him to fix. If he doesn't see the damage he's causing then he won't be making xhanges.

Op - is your dh self employed or does he run a company with employees - there’s a big difference- when you run a company with employees you cannot take 6 weeks off during the summer without having a partner who’ll cover you or it have a massive impact on the business. All businesses are not the same!

I grew up in a house where one parent was self employed, and now I am self employed.
I've actually found it miles better for family life! I can take a day off when I want (I'm pretty strict about when I'm not working even though it's very tempting to get dragged in!). We also have wonderful holidays - yes I still do an hour of work in the morning usually, but the rest of the day is free.
It is very addictive working for yourself. It sounds odd, but I get an enormous amount out of working and I absolutely love it. I am probably a workaholic but I've always made sure this doesn't come at the cost of "family time".
I think your DH needs a strict conversation about balance!

I just turned down some work to protect these 2 weeks of Christmas. It was terrifying. It feels like I could be destroying my business. It could be OPs dh is like that too - scared to let go, say no, or delegate.

But it is important. Dh and I are both self employed but in very different types of work. We have tried to find a balance where we:

1. Take time off a couple of times a year, although usually only the equivalent of a long weekend. Short but amazingly rejuvenating and less stressful in terms of worrying about letting customers down.

1. Sometimes making the tough calls NOT to accept more work if it's going to mess with family time. This is easier now than it was a few years ago as we are more financially stable. In the past we sometimes simply couldn't turn down the opportunities.

1. In my case, running a business, I have built up a support network so that sometimes I can step away or dial back or get more help if I need it, even if that sometimes affects profitability. Eg week before we closed for Christmas, I outsourced some last minute work. I could have done it but would have been so stressed and unhappy it wasn't worth it while dc were trying to enjoy school 6 activity Christmas events etc.

It's like your describing my current relationship he has no care in the world and I'm at the point of leaving everything is exactly as you described ! He's lazy in the relationship and takes everything for granted because he knows you will stay! But I'm miserable life is short and we can't go through life waiting for them to care and there work obsessed !