To think it's really fucking hard being married/in a relationship to someone who's self employed or owns a business?

[Sighhh]

Does anyone else here have a spouse or partner who is self employed or owns a business and isn't it just really fucking hard sometimes?

My husband owns a fairly successful business. We are very fortunate in that regard and I am grateful. But I am so lonely sometimes.

We rarely do anything together, he works 6 days a week and the 7th (which he also sometimes works) is then a write off because he's so tired. We never holiday together, never do anything fun together with our DC, everything with the DC and at home is done by me simply because he's just not around (I work PT).

He's always tired or stressed. And I just think is this fucking worth it? We are financially stable and I understand that is very very fortunate especially right now but I feel like I have no partner. Everything I do I do by myself or with friends who take pity on me and invite me to their family things.

This is a woe is me post I'm aware so apologies but is anyone else in this situation?

And people keep making comments about hiring more staff to relieve the pressure - that is one of our biggest challenges at moment, recruitment is a bloody nightmare.

@dreamingbohemian the point is that now we have eight employees to whom we feel we owe a responsibility. And when we do manage to sell up, we shall have about the same amount of income as our friends, who have public sector index-linked pensions.

And we have customers who depend on us for the service we provide. Our competitors have folded or exited the sector over the last 30 years.

Echoing what others have said here, it isn't the job, it's your DH.

I'm self employed but I've also in the past been a SAHM so can see both sides.

Being a business owner is like being a parent and the business is your baby- the buck always stops with you. When the going is good it's awesome, but you still can't take your foot off the brake. When things are stagnant it's a horrendous worry and it can be impossible to switch off, but you need to mentally leave work at the office.

But, like being a parent your life doesn't now just revolve around the baby. Your DH will have to learn to switch off and take some time off or he will dig himself an early grave. That's a non negotiable.

I turn my work phone off when I get home, you can't fall into the habit of 8pm phone calls otherwise your customers will expect to intrude on your personal time.
I don't look at my emails if I'm not at work. Simple things like that will help to relieve the pressure.

You can't have all the bad sides of being the boss without any of the good stuff too, he needs to give himself better working hours and delegate so he can spend more time with you and DC. Otherwise what's the f-ing point.

Have a frank chat about it sooner rather than later and get some measures in place.

Yep, he's choosing to work this way.

You said things improved a bit when you last had a row about it. I think this time instead of a row you need to sit down with him and explain that this isn't how you want your life to be, you don't get this time back with a young family, and you're not prepared to continue this way.

I would give him a couple of days to come up with a proper plan for how things are going to change - not just a promise that things will be different. And then if they don't change, you will know you tried your best, and if you feel you need to leave, you can do do without beating yourself up about it or wondering 'what if?'.

Yes. DH changed his employment ratio over lockdown from 5 :1 (employed:self-employed) to 1: 5 (employed:self-employed). Built a workshop in the garden to accommodate new jobs and has been in it ever since. 14 hr days, 5 days a week, often longer. More flexible hrs at the weekend but still working both days, a minimum of 4 hrs.
We'd love a member of staff but can't find anyone with the required skills.
As his business continues to grow I've given up fighting it and am now working with him on projects. That way at least I see him occasionally.

I know someone whose DH is like this and I agree that it's hard on her. I think you could be more vocal about it OP. I'm thinking about the bit in your post when you say I feel so so awful saying this - why do you feel bad about being honest with him about how much this bothers you?

DH has his own business and has driven me crazy over the years with working all hours. This is mostly down to DH though as he wouldn't apply himself during the day and then be working late into the night. It was a vicious circle. He's got better since he took on a PM to manage the work schedule for him and his staff but he's recently lost a big contract and the stress while he tries to find more work is awful. If he can't sort something in the next 3/4 months he'll have to fold the business and make his staff redundant.

I've got used to him bringing his laptop on holiday, it helps him relax having it even if he doesn't turn it on. He's always been good at making time for the kids and is pretty good with juggling their needs. The one thing he does more of than I do is school runs! Overall he's happier working for himself, but it's less stressful financially if he's employed!

Felt this to my core op except I work for the business too! 😒

I'm actually really glad you posted this @Sighhh today. I needed it! We moved to my DH home town over a year ago so he could work for himself, he's literally not stopped since, I had a baby a month after we moved, he took no time off. He works 7 days a week 6.45am til gone 8 most of the time. I do some of his paper work when I can but we have 3 kids under 6 so not alot I can do. I know hardly anyone and am so lonely. The kids were just off school/preschool for a fortnight and now the baby has chicken pox so I am on week 3 of going nowhere ... his entire family live in town and have all headed out for the work do.
I'm at home with the kids obviously, where I always am.
I'm so glad someone else has talked about how hard it is as I don't think anyone I know understands how little I see him or how often I'm just doing it all on my own allllll the time.and honestly we aren't even at the stage where it's paying off financially, he earned at least double what he's paid now when he was employed.
Sending empathy your way and hoping you get some time together at Christmas 🎄

@Alittlelost0 That does sound tough - there's no easy answers though - having 3 under 6 would be challenging at the best of times. Those early days are hard.

@Hahahahohoho agree with your posts completely!

Me too @Alittlelost0 I feel so alone most of the time it’s nice to find people who know what it’s like. Maybe we should start a support WhatsApp group 🤣

I run my own business and I have plenty of free time. It's a convenient excuse for many men to enjoy all the social trappings having a family confers upon you while avoiding all the grunt work.

See also men who have to work late every night and avoid boring children's mealtimes and fraught bedtime routines.

You're being played.

@Clymene there's truth in this, at least for some people

I'm self employed with a great work / life balance. In the past, I earned more but it came at a cost to family life, so I chose to cut back

I don't think that's fair, it depends on what business you are in - dh is current;y finding time to help and support MIL in her elderly state - but him not being there is putting a real strain on his team (and him) - they are giving him some slack, because he does the same for them when they need it - but he simply can't continue to work part-time without damaging the business - we have employees to think of. Not every business is the same.

I'm not saying you have to work part time @Hahahahohoho. I don't. And there are times that I work evenings and weekends. But they are the exception rather than the rule.

The OP's husband isn't working full time - he's working 60+ hour weeks.

And I'm sorry about your MIL. It's very hard with elderly parents.

Working 45hours a week is part-time for dh - he normally works an average of 60 hours a week - often more - projecting your situation onto other people's situation and making unfounded negative assumptions rather than asking questions helps no one.

I think one of the hugely frustrating things is that when we go to the IL, everyone makes a big fuss of DH and asks if he's OK, lots of sympathy for how hard he works, asks me if he's OK, he looks tired, run down etc etc. As if I do bugger all! Even when DC were very little and waking multiple times a night it was all about how tired DH must be. I feel invisible - when I'm juggling all the balls at home and the lions share of the boring but necessary admin at work. I'm bracing myself for all the sympathetic comments later this week. ( Although I really hate myself for feeling like this!!)

Thank you for your kind words on MIL - it is bloody awful, understandably she just wants family around but the family are falling apart with the stress, we've had to move house to take the load off - we are trying to help by getting in carers - we can't give her the time she wants - even if we (I) had it, I do not have it in me to be a carer, she wants a female to help her - full respect to those who do and I'm not going to be the carer by default.
And despite dh working obscene hours - he's sitting in the kitchen atm patiently helping ds with his Uni essay...he is so self less - and that's what gets him into trouble mentally - he struggles to say no.

Yes mine used the to be like this. I put up with it for a long time and then just got to the end of my tether. I said I was leaving- this is after many promises that things would change and they didn’t.
However he asked if I’d give him another chance if he went to counselling and I agreed. It’s been 10 years since then and he’s a different person. The counselling brought out a lot of stuff from his childhood which he’d never told anyone, and him being a workaholic meant he could bury everything. He is very different now, still works v v hard but goes on holidays and is really present at home.
I am glad I stuck it out as we’re very happy now, but I still get sad at how different things could have been when our Dc were young, I felt very alone.

@Sighhh if I were you I’d ask him who is more important. His family or his business.

I'm guessing he's golden balls - aka the favourite - dh is too, but by association MIL thinks I am too - but the siblings resent his success and can be quite vicious about him - one said they assumed he acted like an asshole and a bully because that's what all bosses behave like - this was quite hurtful. They wanted us to fund their house purchase instead of getting a mortgage - we literally had no money when they asked that question and he got loads of abuse when we said we couldn't do it.
He doesn't bite back but it's quite hurtful because he is a really decent person.

I think I AM that person. It is really hard to run a business but also really hard to live with someone doing it.

It sounds like it could be a bit better controlled though. Can you talk to him about making it a goal, older teens and teens really really resent it IMO, and it sounds like he could delegate more.

I always love a story about someone really changing for the better, in whatever way.

Gives us all hope! We’ll done to him and you.

This resonates so much with me. I’m a single self employed woman in her 40’s, my business has been doing well the past 5 years, but I don’t have time for a relationship. Harsh as it sounds that’s the truth. I wake up with the business, I go to sleep with it and in my day off I just want to rest, watch Netflix or hang out with friends. There’s no space for a man in my life. So sad 😞

Being self employed is only part of the problem, he needs to prioritise. Would he come to play centre anyway?? Sometimes it’s a dressed up as a reasonable excuse.