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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's really fucking hard being married/in a relationship to someone who's self employed or owns a business?

121 replies

Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:29

Does anyone else here have a spouse or partner who is self employed or owns a business and isn't it just really fucking hard sometimes?

My husband owns a fairly successful business. We are very fortunate in that regard and I am grateful. But I am so lonely sometimes.

We rarely do anything together, he works 6 days a week and the 7th (which he also sometimes works) is then a write off because he's so tired. We never holiday together, never do anything fun together with our DC, everything with the DC and at home is done by me simply because he's just not around (I work PT).

He's always tired or stressed. And I just think is this fucking worth it? We are financially stable and I understand that is very very fortunate especially right now but I feel like I have no partner. Everything I do I do by myself or with friends who take pity on me and invite me to their family things.

This is a woe is me post I'm aware so apologies but is anyone else in this situation?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/12/2022 10:58

Did he become self-employed after you married him?

WaltzingWaters · 22/12/2022 10:58

Same here. My partner is amazing when he’s home and does as much as he can and is very present with our baby, but it’s difficult because he works so much. Every day during the summer and very very long hours. He’s then supposed to have more time off in the winter but he’s a still always so busy setting things up for the following season that he’s still so busy all the time. I feel like such a pain when I ask him to take days off. It is a new business so still working things out and expanding. He says he’ll have more time in a few years once things run more smoothly but I’m not holding out hope.
so I hear you!

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 10:59

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/12/2022 10:58

Did he become self-employed after you married him?

Yes he was employed for the first few years.

OP posts:
user1496262496 · 22/12/2022 10:59

There is a big difference between a person who is working on their business, and a person who is working for their business…

The thing that I found difficult was that he never really knew how much money there was for the family.

He ‘worked’ 8 am to 8pm every day (although he also socialised with his mates at his workshop, every day a series of them would call round for a brew).

He worked 6 days a week, and then objected when I participated in a sport for a few hours on a Sunday.

I was limited in my work because the cost of childcare was more than I made and I would still have to do all the housework (3 children under 5 including twins).

WallaceinAnderland · 22/12/2022 10:59

It's no life is it. Very sad indeed.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 11:00

He says he’ll have more time in a few years once things run more smoothly but I’m not holding out hope.so I hear you!

this is exactly what he says but tbh I don't believe him and I also think well what good is that when you've missed our child's entire childhood by that point.

OP posts:
RoseyLentil · 22/12/2022 11:00

It's a choice.
I've been self employed and am now employed. When I was self employed I worked a maximum 40hr week, office hours only. I really enjoyed the freedom but in my field I can do much more interesting and impactful work as part of a team with my employer.
I have friends and people I know who are self employed. The people I know are like your husband - workaholics who rarely see their families. These people tend to be very egotistical and their families and employees suffer because of it. Their business are successful but they have a reputation within the industry as being difficult and hard work, they have a poor reputation as employers and struggle to keep experienced staff so staff turnover is high - this has not gone unnoticed in my industry.
The other group, have limits on the hours they work, have much happier families and employees, are lovely caring people and are my friends. Their businesses are also successful but they are growing and dynamic because people enjoy working there, they are able to attract experienced staff who stay.
It's a choice.

user1496262496 · 22/12/2022 11:01

Oh and he would be a joy sponge when it came to holidays… there weren’t any as he objected to ‘paying for them twice’ ie, cost of holiday and the lost earnings from not working in that time. He massively mis-managed his self employment. I am sure most people factor the cost of holidays in to their business model

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/12/2022 11:02

I agree with PP, it's not the self-employed/owning own business that's the issue, it's that he prioritises it over everything else.

DH had a full time job plus ran his own business on the side, employer folded so he now spends all his work hours on his own stuff. But he has ALWAYS made time for us, he took paternity leave (a fortnight) when DS was born and has always found time to play with and engage with him. When DS was a baby DH would come home and take over his care so I could have a break. We have holidays every year (including 2020 and 2021) sometimes going away for three weeks. We have weekends away. Sometimes he is very busy and we see less of him, but he still finds some time for DS every day.

We did have a drier period where we didn't go away as much which was dreary, but even then DH was still very much present and did bedtimes, bathtimes, dinners, going to evening performances in school - a proper hands-on dad.

I think your problem is that your husband is too focused on the work and not prepared to rein it back in order to be there for the dc. I know a couple of dads like this (I also know plenty who are and always have been fully engaged with parenting their kids, thankfully). It might be work, it might be a hobby, but whatever it is, it's better than spending time with their children. Sad

Greensleevevssnotnose · 22/12/2022 11:03

Yes my oh has been self employed for about 10 years. His day rate is currently £650 a day which is what I earn a week! But this come with 100 hour weeks no sick pay no holiday pay and as we both WFH no spabe for either of us. We haven't had a holiday since 2018 because he factors in the cost of list earnings into the price and all of a sudden a £1000 holidays is nearly £10k. He was off for two years during COVID which depleted our savings as there was no furlough for him. He has just taken a job for £80k with holiday medical dental pension etc and it starts on 3rd January and although it's a lot less money I hope we will get some life back. He will be working for one of his biggest clients full time so no new learnings.

Can your OH maybe go permanent for one of his clients?

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 11:04

user1496262496 · 22/12/2022 11:01

Oh and he would be a joy sponge when it came to holidays… there weren’t any as he objected to ‘paying for them twice’ ie, cost of holiday and the lost earnings from not working in that time. He massively mis-managed his self employment. I am sure most people factor the cost of holidays in to their business model

I think of him like this too sometimes.

The thing that also is a massive issue for me is we cannot arrange ANYTHING. One day he may be in a particularly good mood, works not been too crazy and stressful so he'll say why don't we do X Y or Z, everything's lovely etc etc.

Come the day though, maybe work has been more stressful that week or whatever and he'll cancel or like you say, spend the time being moody/stressed about missing work.

I cannot actually rely on him to do the things we've planned in advance. It's very stressful to get to the day of something and then cancel it or feel upset/stressed because you can sense he doesn't actually want to be there or is thinking about missing work.

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 22/12/2022 11:06

My ex (big clue there) ran a business with his father and it honestly was awful. Ruined every holiday by… working all the time, would try and have nice meals and was constantly refreshing emails, would talk about work CONSTANTLY.
He wasn’t even a high earner as it was a high turnover low profit kind of thing, I was on much more!

Bluevelvetsofa · 22/12/2022 11:07

Mine had his own business and the business had been in the family for several generations. All the time the children were small, I did everything for Christmas on my own. When our son was born, my dad had to collect me from the hospital because he was working. He didn’t have paternity leave for either of the children.

We had very few family holidays and he worried about the business if we were away anyway. Six days a week, leaving the house at 6am and returning at 7pm.

Eventually he got sick of it too and turned to something with better hours. By then, the kids were pretty much grown.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 11:07

I flip so much between emotions too..I often feel like throwing in the towel and saying sod it and then others I think maybe I can just make it work for DCs sake, they have a nice home, no money worries etc.. maybe I just suck it up because it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 11:09

Eventually he got sick of it too and turned to something with better hours. By then, the kids were pretty much grown.

This is my worry. By the time things ease up either in the business or because he's left (if they do), DC will be grown up and he'd have missed that entire time. Surely you must end up regretting that?

I try so so hard to make my child's life happy and nurturing and fun and he seems to be a happy child but I know it must also be nice to spend family time with both parents too.

OP posts:
Outnumbered99 · 22/12/2022 11:11

I feel you OP, 65+ hour weeks and unfortunately not even the income to show for it, but stuck in it for reasons I can't go into. Sometimes its very hard to stay married If i am honest.

Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 11:12

I also compare it a lot to my own Dad who was just the best. We did so much together and although my mum was the one at home with me a lot, he made a lot of effort to be present. We had holidays, we had family days, we had days just the two of us. I'm so close to him now too. I just can't see DH ever having that close a bond with DC because they just don't spend the time together. I already sense it now, if I come in the room or his grandparents for example, my son will run for a hug. If DH comes in, nothing really. It's sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sighhh · 22/12/2022 11:14

We had a massive argument actually about 6 months ago where I came very very close to leaving and I think I shocked him a bit. He actually did come home and do bedtime stories etc for about a week that time (never ever done it before then) but then we slipped right back.

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 22/12/2022 11:14

The thing that also is a massive issue for me is we cannot arrange ANYTHING. One day he may be in a particularly good mood, works not been too crazy and stressful so he'll say why don't we do X Y or Z, everything's lovely etc etc.

... I cannot actually rely on him to do the things we've planned in advance. It's very stressful to get to the day of something and then cancel it or feel upset/stressed because you can sense he doesn't actually want to be there or is thinking about missing work.

This isn't not too bad though, is it? It's a very big deal, and I would be really unhappy about that. He's telling you how high you all are on his list of priorities, and that's not high at all. It's possible to set time aside to do other things, he's just not prepared to do that.

Munches · 22/12/2022 11:19

I agree it’s not the job. It’s the person.

My husband works weeks , often months at a time , away abroad and across the world. I never signed up to it and it’s been the last few years, but it’s the way his work has gone ( his reasoning). I also happen to have quite severe mental illness as well as children to look after.

I am alone 90 percent of the time. I hate it.
His work, it seems, comes first.

I, on the other hand, can barely stand up at times. It’s not fun and it’s not how I envisioned married life with children to be.

Not sure moving forward how I can and am able to deal with it to be honest.

PinkArt · 22/12/2022 11:20

I'm self employed and grew up with a self employed parent - this isn't how my dad was at all. He recognised that being self employed meant he could set his own hours, so he'd often clock off for a bit when we got back from school and work after we'd gone to bed to catch up. As he WFH he was also always there if we were sick, he was always very present on holidays etc. He did have really busy periods but they always balanced out over the years.
It very much sounds like a him problem rather than a selfemployed problem. OP, do you think he has any idea how much this is getting to you, and presumably the kids too? It sounds like you need to prioritise sitting him down and having a proper conversation about it. If he doesn't see it as a priority then I think that will say a lot, sadly.

Bizcoach23 · 22/12/2022 11:21

We’ve got 4 businesses (and 4 children) between us and I’m definitely better at creating time to do family stuff. Mines love language is working hard and mine is quality time so I do have to insist on time for us, and the kids but we do talk business a lot but we both love it. I cant imagine being married to someone who was in a job. It’s a definite lifestyle and mindset and is 24/7 because when you’re not working you’re thinking about work. Does he find time to do things for himself like sport / hobbies / friends? Or is he just work work work above everything.

He’s not going to change. You deserve to not feel lonely inside your marriage it must be really hard. You’re doing so well to create a life for yourself and with your children and your friends / family but it comes down to how connected he is when he’s with you. If he’s not then that’s a huge sacrifice because you could go on to have a loving close relationship in the future.

it’s not an easy one. Time to revisit the conversation from 6 months ago. You said it’s slipped back so it’s time to redraw the boundaries or there will be consequences. You won’t be alone assessing things over Christmas. There’s a reason January is peak divorce lawyer enquiries.

big hug

Lkydfju · 22/12/2022 11:28

Unfortunately this is what has destroyed my marriage; I do get it from his side but after another Christmas where I have yet again done 97% of everything I’m really quite done with it all. I’d rather have less money than live like this and he knows that but doesn’t change anything

ILS1983 · 22/12/2022 11:28

Yes! It’s very hard.

i like that it’s my DH’s passion and he’s excited always. But it’s been hard for me and the DCs. We got though it better when he decided to use his flex to take time off for me occasionally. And to take some time off himself to breathe every January and August. So I hope you can jointly talk about the issues and decide on some release points. They help a lot

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2022 11:28

I genuinely don't understand why you're staying with him. This is not a real marriage anymore, he has checked out.

Money isn't everything. My son has grown up with not very much but he's had so much time with us. Your husband would still have to support your child if you split, it doesn't sound like you'd be on the streets. Don't stay in this miserable life for a bit more money.