Performance parenting rant!

[Iwantquietargh]

On the bus with 6yo child today - spent about 10 minutes explaining about being considerate to others on the bus as she was quite loud. To be fair the bus was empty up the top where we but that’s not the point.

anyway woman gets on with 2 boys between 7-9. Sat directly next to us with every other seat empty upstairs and starts being SO LOUD. changed names but all ‘Harry! Can I sit underneath you? Sit on my lap! Oh can we see this can we see that. Oh dear we forgot the library books! Are we excited for the museum?’

to add, the boys got on the bus and talked quietly between themselves. I know it’s common but my lord, SHUT UP 😂 Sorry I just needed to rant after 30 minutes of listening to that.

Hahahahaaaa oh Lordy lol

God, what a shit mother. Trying to inspire and instill enthusiasm in her children. How dare she.

🤨

I don't see anything wrong with that. why shouldn't she talk to her children it just sounds like a normal conversation. Maybe it was loud because buses are noisy!

It often feels like you can’t win in public with children. I hate all these ‘performance parenting’ accusations, maybe they’re just parenting! My dc has a speech delay and so when we’re out I talk to them probably too loud and very clearly, narrating things to try and help them and modeling back whatever they say (on advise from the speech therapist). I bet people think I’m ‘performance parenting’ 🙄 but I don’t care, I’ll keep doing it if it helps them 🤷‍♀️

Performance parenting is far more preferable than my asd boy laying on the floor squawking or screaming in the middle of a supermarket aisle

Or yes maybe she was just excited about their day out and being enthusiastic. How dare she!

I think you're confused between your performance parenting and your loud and/or annoying parenting, OP.

I've seen some truly epic performance parenting in recent weeks, but this ain't it.

10 minutes you spend telling your child to be considerate. I would rather listen to a six year old singing than listen to you lecturing your child for 10 minutes, in fact hearing your child sing would be quite enjoyable. You where performance parenting.

Mum engages with her child shocker. She was probably equally as perturbed that you lectured your kid for a whole 10 minutes for daring to speak up a bit.

unfortunately my child can’t understand volume control even if there is someone else who finds it difficult, that’s why it’s a disability. As an analogy, a wheelchair user can’t stand up and fold their wheelchair, sit in an ordinary seat on the bus and stash their wheelchair in a luggage compartment just because another wheelchair user wants to get on. It’s not about being polite. It’s just not possible.

Maybe we run past everything we plan on doing in public with MN to check it is acceptable and not going to be be judged by some weird "will I feel judged scale?"

@Thepeopleversuswork nothing to do with class and why do you think people are jealous you’re sooo middle class and rich enough to give your kid some organic quinoa shite , news flash working class people aren’t jealous of you and we don’t secretly think you’re better parents we just think your insecure and obsessed with people thinking your better that’s all . Pretty obvious from your post tbh !

@Thepeopleversuswork also ‘learn from them’ Jesus Christ you really do think you’re something special don’t you !!

I see people ranting about ‘performance parenting’ so just on mumsnet but I just don’t think it’s really a thing. I don’t believe anyone sitting with their kids gives a fuck what you think of their parenting for 10 minutes on the bus, they are chatting for the benefit of their children not you so there’s nothing performative about it.

I don’t think I’m special and I’m not middle class.

But these posts all involve people having a pop at mums who serve quinoa to kids called Rupert and Tarquin.

Why is it so awful to be like this and why are families who come from different socioeconomic backgrounds not pilloried for “performance parenting” when they shout on the bus? There’s just no logic to it and I think it’s mostly an excuse for bashing MC people.

I just find this so weird and judgey. I Really do. I simply cannot get all judgey like this about how folks parent unless they are being abusive. This to me is just engaging with the kids.

@Thepeopleversuswork because when someone ‘lower class’ to use a term you enjoy, says ‘oi brittneh shurr up and eat your maccies’ they’re not expecting everyone on the bus to hear them and think ‘oh wow, I’m so impressed, Atlas can say hello in four languages snd he only looks about 9 months old! Wow, I wish I could be like that!’ Performance parenting is exactly that, wanting an audience

Also I’m sure the poor abused middle classes can cry themselves to oblivion over a nice glass of chateau neuf in their farrow and ball living room to get over being judged.

Well... Quite, though. They don't give a shit do they. They just continue to bring their kids up to dominate because they've been taught to know they can. Bitching about them on an internet forum doesn't stop them doing that and I would hazard a guess it doesn't make those doing it feel any less bitter about it either.

Sorry but I didn't use the phrase "lower class". You used that, so don't put words in my mouth.

I couldn't give a shit what people call their children or whether they feed them quinoa or McDonalds, my point is that people only ever comment on supposed "performance parenting" when it involves people who have obvious middle class markers. Loud and intrusive parenting from people who don't have kids called Tarquin is apparently never worthy of comment.

And when you really break these posts down and analyse what it is which has irritated the poster its usually just that these people are visibly middle class. So it's just inverse snobbery dressed up as concern for "performance parenting".

Very rarely. I think what more usually happens is that a child becomes restless or whiny; the parent gets anxious that other people will think that they aren't in control; looks anxiously around for other people's reactions; and at the same time makes exaggerated and sometimes loud attempts to distract the child. Which often makes matters worse, but is generally based on fear of disapproval rather than expectation of approval.

@ToWhitToWhoo

Totally agree with your recent post. You only have to read the threads on here about children making noise or having a tantrum in public, and people saying "it doesn't bother me as long as the parent is at least trying to engage with the child to resolve it", etc. Parents are aware that this will draw negative attention and it makes them anxious of the general public's response, hence interactions become more exaggerated with their child to demonstrate "look, I'm trying here, please don't judge me".

Yep

I think it's the height of entitlement to decide that someone chatting to their child is doing it for your benefit/attention rather than the child's.

Performance parenting is just another stick to beat parents with.

She might have just been over excited/keen and looking forward to the day/ imagining how it would go. It might be her first day off with the kids over Christmas and came across as a bit OTT.
I don't think you can judge someone based on one interaction. She was probably totally unaware you were there because she was focused on her children