Performance parenting rant!

[Iwantquietargh]

On the bus with 6yo child today - spent about 10 minutes explaining about being considerate to others on the bus as she was quite loud. To be fair the bus was empty up the top where we but that’s not the point.

anyway woman gets on with 2 boys between 7-9. Sat directly next to us with every other seat empty upstairs and starts being SO LOUD. changed names but all ‘Harry! Can I sit underneath you? Sit on my lap! Oh can we see this can we see that. Oh dear we forgot the library books! Are we excited for the museum?’

to add, the boys got on the bus and talked quietly between themselves. I know it’s common but my lord, SHUT UP 😂 Sorry I just needed to rant after 30 minutes of listening to that.

Agree with this.

I think labelling people ‘performance parenting’ is ridiculous to be honest. Most people are totally oblivious to other people and are just getting on with living their lives. It seems to be said by people who have no clue how to interact with their child. I don’t notice how other people parent, because unless they are harming their child in some way, it has F all to do with me.

Someone who wants their kids to interact with them?

My first kid was a potato and happy to be ignored and look out of the window for lovely peaceful bus rides.

my second needs a lot more stimulation and I talk to her constantly. It's not performance parenting but probably sounds like it.

maybe you have potato children like my first and don't understand how other kids need to be patented. Spare a thought for them - it's exhausting and I'd choose companionable silence any day of the week.

I'd argue that you've got the label of "performance parenting" applied the wrong way round. Spending 10 minutes to tell a 6yo "pipe down, we're in public, this isn't the place to be singing"??

I feel sorry for your daughter. She had to listen to you vipering in her ear for TEN minutes whilst you were on an empty top deck. Then she had to listen to a family having a jolly old time together. God forbid a woman and children occupy their space.

Lighten up and get your judgy pants out of your vagina OP. Your daughter's self-esteem depends on it.

1. did you check it she was wearing a hearing aid / implant?
2. different cultures have different standards of acceptable of ‘loud’.
3. unclear why you think your style of parenting, that suppresses a child, is better than anyone else’s. Explain.

Some of these replies are not surprising. No wonder so many people are growing up so entitled. Teaching children how to behave in public seems to be frowned upon nowadays.

Spending 10 minutes telling a child to be considerate on the bus sounds more like performance parenting. Just a quick 'please don't be too loud, it's not fair on other people' usually work.

Doesn't sound like she was performance parenting. Being annoyingly loud, yes. But that doesn't make it performance parenting.

Oh and people can sit where they like on the bus. They can chose whichever empty seats they like. They don't have to sit away from you. It's not inconsiderate to sit in empty seats

My child talks non-stop, absolutely without pausing to draw breath. When we are in public I do a combination of volume control, reminders to be considered to others and talking to him about where we are going, what we are doing etc. so he will at least hush for a moment to hear what I am saying and most importantly to create a conversation rather than an endless stream of consciousness flow from him.
My chatting to him might seem like 'performance parenting' to you but I pretty sure you would find 30 minutes of him relating his dream last night, the program he watch this morning in micro detail (complete with series and episode number often with a five minute debate with himself as to whether is was episode 5 or 6) or a comparison between two Pokémon at full volume far more annoying.
Judge away I'm way to mentally exhausted by the constantly 'on' child to give a fuck what strangers think.

God this reminds me of some weirdo who took the piss out of me in the supermarket because I apparently didn't need to keep talking to my child about what we were buying:

'Oh vegetarian this, vegetarian sausages how many times do you need to say it ?' Etc

What a weirdo. I suspect it says more about him than me .

did you check it she was wearing a hearing aid / implant?

OP shouldn't actually be checking (and I'm sure that wasn't what was meant!), but also, one of the children could have hearing loss - I tend to have to speak loudly on public transport bc of my DCs' hearing loss (even with hearing aids) as there is so much background noise from the bus.

OP, it doesn't sound like they were awful - just the normal irritants that are expected on public transport as everyone has to coexist and people are different. It's a key reason people who can afford not to take public transport often avoid it - because strangers can be annoying when you're forced to share a small space with them.

I’m hearing impaired and have often found myself booming at my kids….. I also take them to museums and libraries on the bus… think this is about me.

It’s just a Mum engaging with her kids. Maybe they were louder than you would like, but so what?

I can speak quite loudly without realising I do really try not too but I have some hearing difficulties/sensory processing issues so if there is background noise like the engine humming or other noises around me I compensate for that even when other people say they can't hear the noise I'm referring too. It could be that the woman had similar issues and just didn't realise how loud she sounded. I do talk to my children and point things out though so maybe I'm one of those parents 😳.

So your child was loud and then her children were loud…. What’s the difference and why does her interaction with her children constitute “performance parenting” while you’re involved disciplining them?

To be honest most of the time when people complain about “performance parenting” it usually boils down to inverse snobbery (people being irrationally irritated with references to museums and such) and people objecting to parenting which involves people speaking to their children as opposed to sitting in grim silence.

I would put money on the idea that had she come on the bus and talked about taking her kids to a phone shop or an Argos you wouldn’t have posted about it.

This is a you problem OP. If her taking her kids to museums and libraries makes you feel insecure do something about it rather than bitching about her on the internet.

It's far, far stranger to make your child sit in silence than trying to interact with them about their day.

This.

Although if we are going to go there, I find a ten minute conversation about bus etiquette more unusual behaviour.

I'm not claiming to never have found a loud middle class parent irritating but what has happened here - presumably inadvertently - is that your daughter has been taught to take up as little space (including aural space) as possible in a public place and her sons have been taught they are allowed to take up space in a public place. All the kids will have witnessed this. Thus the world turns and who ends up ruling it?

Seems a bit of a leap as the OP says the boys were chatting quietly and it was their DM who was being loud, ergo a woman taking up the space, no?

People who sulk about 'performance parenting' have to have the biggest egos going.

"Is this parent interacting with their child for good reason? No, it must be for my benefit!"

I know it’s such an egotistical and miserly approach to life.

It also takes as its starting point the idea that there’s something unusual and exhibitionist about having a pleasant conversation with your children. Such a mean minded and depressing outlook on life.

I’m not going to apologise to randoms on public transport for the fact that I like talking to my kid and less still am I going to shut her up because other people who don’t want to talk to their kids are going to feel insecure about their shortcomings.

This, and I've never understood what the supposed performance parent would get out of it

I used to spend our commute time on teaching DS social skills via acting out some story with small toys, like Matchbox cars. I'd be working on very basic things like car A meets car B, what does he say to car B? And so on. All the time I had a mental thread running where I hoped to hell nobody was listening to us saying "Hello car B! Have you run out of petrol? I can give you some of mine!" (Greetings, sharing and being kind) or "Hi there car A! How are you? Is your sore exhaust better?" (Greetings and showing care) I did always try to reassure myself that nobody was listening and nobody gave a stuff, but then I read threads like this and have that doubt again.

Secondary school kids shouting and swearing on the bus, yes. Someone being aggressive with someone else, yes. Mother engaging with her children about their day's plans? Nope nope nope. Even if she's hoping someone's listening and thinking what a great parent she is, it's still not remotely crime-like and worthy of anyone's attention. Stop being so judgy, we're all just getting by in our own way.

So fucking tired of people calling someone talking loudly performance parenting. I have to talk loudly to mine, one has reduced hearing and the other has ASD and will not respond if I talk in a low tone. Get over yourself OP and maybe focus on raising your own child.

I travel alot on public transport with kids and generally we're all pretty self contained and quiet