No presents from DH or child?

[Albanyriver]

Am I unreasonable to be really upset that my DH has not bought me anything from himself or our pre-school aged child, for me for Christmas?

I know he doesn’t have any grand surprise planned, it’s not his style.

His reason is “I buy you stuff during the year when I see it”…..such as the odd pair of £20-30 earrings, flowers when they are reduced in the supermarket! We aren’t so hard up that he can’t afford to spend money on me at Christmas. He can afford to spend money on smoking and had over £600 in back pay in Nov’s wage….it isn’t he can’t afford to buy me anything.

The only present I have to unwrap on Christmas Day is a piece of jewellery I bought myself in the summer sales from my little boy! We have a very small family who we won’t be seeing until New Year anyway.

@Albanyriver Sounds like an utter arsehole to me that he doesn’t want to treat you, has he done this before?

What did he buy you last year? Do you have him a present?

My dh is not great at buying presents. He tries. Dd also loved getting me gifts. When she was younger, I used to send him out with pictures of things to find that he could look at on his phone. Dd didn’t realise I’d sent the pics by text. She’s older now and knows I want the same thing every year, which they always go out and get together along with some other bits.

i suggest you send your dh out with a list and some pictures of what you would like. You could also ask for something easy, which could be added to every time, such as a Pandora bracelet.

My DH is brilliant, but he is useless when it comes to buying presents. I had have some very random things in the past, so now before Xmas, we go into the city together have lunch and l take him to all the shops I like for luxury items that I wouldn’t usually buy for myself. Works well for us.

Yup. Can't disagree!
Even my muslim is doing Christmas right fgs. And he didn't even do them before meeting me!

"He just doesn't do presents but he is lovely🥺" is always rolled out. Yet they all do presents when receiving them. It's pretty crass not to give anything to spouse and others but happily recieve.

Reading this thread has made feel sad for those whose husbands/partners don't bother at Christmas. I know that on MN there are lots of posters who claim that it is grabby to want a gift at Christmas or on a birthday, or who like to suggest that these occasions are only for children, but I can't imagine a DH who cared so little for me that he wouldn't acknowledge it in some way. In all the years I've known DH ( over 45 years), there has been just one birthday when I didn't get a gift and that was because we had both been extremely poorly. Once we were back to normal, we did a belated celebration.
I don't buy the ' but he makes packed lunches/ does housework/ buys me flowers' argument either. Surely housework is shared anyway? Packed lunches are hardly difficult and flowers are definitely easy enough these days, what with pretty much every garage and supermarket selling them. My DH has done the ironing throughout our married life, I only did it when DC's were small and I was a sahp. He has always done his share of housework and didn't regard looking after our children as helping me, rather, he saw it as part of his responsibility for our family. And he has never forgotten to get me a Christmas gift. We haven't always been in a great financial situation, so sometimes it might just have been a box of chocolates, or a book, but I have alway had a gift from him. He also always organised a gift for me from the DC's. We now do the same for D's and dil from dgs ( a little present for mummy and daddy) at dh's suggestion. I might not have a load of money or a big house, but my DH is worth his weight in gold.

No way! I wouldn't be one bit happy with that.
Dh & I are together 23 years & we've always bought each other presents & spoiled each other to the best of our ability finance wise. To us its important- we are the most important people in each others lives ❤️
And he's a great husband in all those other ways - does more than his fair share of homework & is thoughtful etc.
You need to speak to your dh though & let him know you're not happy

That's heartbreaking I'm so sorry 🤗

Actually, you’re right and I’ve just told him!

Eh? Why set the bar so low? And why think others should as well? It’s perfectly normal to have an expectation that your partner would buy you a gift at Christmas.

Read the post above yours. My eyes have been opened!

He claims he feels dreadful but never knows what to get

Pathetic. Honestly, there are so many thraads like this. The bar set for men is so low, and so many of them just don't seem to be able to be arsed to even meet that.

Mine doesn’t notice even very obvious hints about anything, ever. If I want something, or for him to do something, I have to tell him straight.

He does know that he should buy his wife a Christmas present without being told though 😬

We’ve been married 22 years, no DC, so for years now we’ve bought each other a luxury item for our respective hobbies. I tell him exactly what I want in about August and he buys it, along with some small generic gifts (bubble bath, chocolates, a book, stationery). I do the same for him and we open them at the dinner table on Christmas Eve.

Would something like that ‘stick’ with yours Op?

Just don't get him anything. Spend what you would have spent on him on yourself. If you already bought presents for him, hold them over until his birthday or return them.

I hate 'one rule for me, another for you' dynamics.

How do all these incompetent men manage to hold down jobs and participate in their hobbies?
Or is only when present buying for their wives that their incompetence reveals itself?

I think there needs to be set rules around giving to each other when you are married. DH and I don't give each other anything for birthday or Christmas because we neither need nor want anything, but when the children were little we always did, and made sure that the children always had presents to give both of us as it made the children happy and taught them about giving as well as receiving

Yes…..he has done! He went around Waitrose yesterday, while I picked up a click and collect, to get me a few bits with DS and days he has ordered me something but won’t arrive in time….but I can cope with that!

That’s good op. I would give him a list to take your ds with you next time. As upthread, pictures from a website are useful as your ds can join in the fun finding the things in the shops. My dd thought my dh had picked the things for me and gone on a search for them in the shops…

That is so sad.

A similar thing happened to me 5-6 years ago. Everyone got loads of presents, I got a pair of gloves from MIL (so I got something) but everyone else, including the adults got 5-6 presents each to open. My DH bought presents for MIL, SIL, kids…but nothing for me. I felt really sad for the rest of the day.

It really isn’t about the present, but it’s about not being ignored. I felt more like a spectator at DHs family xmas, even though I had bought most of everyone’s presents.

I think this thread is really interesting. My husband got a lot better about presents once my daughter was old enough to give him advice (about 5!) but always realised I liked them and so made an effort. But I think communication is really important. I used to run late for everything trying to fit things in until once he said that he felt very low priority when I made him wait for me. I actually rethought my whole approach to time management and now I'm not late to any things barring unexpected disasters. In the same way I told him that my family Christmas traditions meant a lot to me and so he's enthusiastic about them.

I still get presents from OH, nothing much just little things. A few small presents and a stocking (complete with an orange/satsuma). When the girls were little he'd take them for my present and I'd be excited to get plastic hair clips and bangles while they'd usually come back with sweets and toys for themselves.

This is not okay. You need to sit him down and tell him what you expect as a bare minimum. My husband is not very good at gift giving so I now send him an email in November with a link to pjs, slippers etc and say these in a size M please. Or one year we shared the cost of going to a nice hotel for our joint Xmas present which worked well but obviously I came up with the idea and booked it!

He does not respect or love you. If he did, he wouldn’t behave like this or claim that buying reduced price Tesco Value flowers on occasion makes up for it. I’m Nov/Dec, I work 90 hours per week, buy all the presents, decorate, cook the Christmas meal, entertain, wrap, build toys, write and send cards. If he can’t even buy two presents then he’s selfish AF and you need out!

It sounds like a future alone in a damp, cold flat with ‘Palm and her five fingers’ for company is almost too good for him. Find a solicitor and DIVORCE!

I wouldn’t cook him Christmas dinner, tell him you cook for him during the year.

Honestly, some men come like that and sometimes we make them like for allowing them to lower the standards far too much. Make sure you make your expectations clear before you get so ground down you start dreaming of divorce. Flowers from the supermarket when they are on offer, no Christmas gifts? WTF?