No presents from DH or child?

[Albanyriver]

Am I unreasonable to be really upset that my DH has not bought me anything from himself or our pre-school aged child, for me for Christmas?

I know he doesn’t have any grand surprise planned, it’s not his style.

His reason is “I buy you stuff during the year when I see it”…..such as the odd pair of £20-30 earrings, flowers when they are reduced in the supermarket! We aren’t so hard up that he can’t afford to spend money on me at Christmas. He can afford to spend money on smoking and had over £600 in back pay in Nov’s wage….it isn’t he can’t afford to buy me anything.

The only present I have to unwrap on Christmas Day is a piece of jewellery I bought myself in the summer sales from my little boy! We have a very small family who we won’t be seeing until New Year anyway.

Don’t you think it would be good for her to see you giving thoughtful gifts to each other? Children learn all this stuff from watching those around them. We don’t spend loads on each other but the DC love knowing what we’ve chosen for each other and they’re modelling thoughtfulness as a result. Just receiving gifts themselves doesn’t teach them about being generous to others.

Just don't give him his present then. Problem solved.

Appreciate all the perspectives! Relieved I’m not being grabby, and feel equally sad for others in similar situations!

Some years I’ve chosen/bought my own but told him …we set a £150 budget for birthdays and Christmas

I have opened a conversation tonight about how excited DS was today choosing presents for Daddy even if it was just token gifts and how what we do influences his future view of relationships and how he treats women, and DS needs to learn that Christmas is about giving, not just getting presents so needs DH to model that! He claims he feels dreadful but never knows what to get….it’s not hard. There are a couple of shops I am sucker for, and he could pretty much get anything from them and I’d be happy! He is put in his place tonight though! Thank you all!

I don't think yabu. I think on Christmas even if it's 'not your thing' he should make the effort.

This!!!

This is exactly what I said! I’m so pleased someone else is on the same lines!

YANBU at all. He's being thoughtless, especially because he knows it matters to you.

The idea you should lower the bar because other men don't do anything is awful. We need to stop excusing men behaving like this.

About 3 years ago, i had nothing under the tree either. My kids were around 3 and 7 so any gift from them would have realistically be bought by DH. Note that we never buy expensive gifts for each other as we buy bits all year, usually a token gift. My kids liked to make a pile for each person when they come down on Christmas morning, mine was just.....empty. I was gutted. I had bought all of the presents for the kids, my family, his family, family friends, sent cards to his friends ( that actually don't like me very much) and to think that he hadn't even thought of me at all devasted me to be honest, but more upsetting was the kids noticing that I had nothing asking why, they were upset too. I downplayed it while the kids were opening there's but I have to say, had to pop upstairs for a breather to take a few deep breaths to keep the tears away. My DH was also upset actually as he just didn't think at all of the consequence. It hasn't happened since, but sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to send him a list of ideas, with links and just put a bit more thought into it.
So, I feel your pain, and I really do think you should mention to him how it makes you feel. It won't get any better otherwise.

YANBU. It’s a time of loving and giving- he’s not giving and tbh doesn’t sound that loving. The presents are a symbol of the love you share. I don’t think it’s too much to expect one

He did the chores while you were very unwell, does ironing, and makes packed lunches for the family children? Well fuck, I’m ‘amazing’ too then. And I still manage to get a Christmas gift for the man I chose to marry, because as a NT and normally functioning adult I’m aware that is the social norm at Christmas time.

Utter bollocks, he is just lazy and selfish

@PopGoesTheProsecco I'm guessing that if he's not into Christmas he hasn't got any presents from you either?

It’s just pathetic. And I couldn’t be doing with begging my husband for a gift - if he was so helpless and pathetic that he couldn’t think of one thing the woman he loves might like and organise himself to go and buy it without support and guidance he just wouldn’t do it for me at all.

I had to tell my DP to get me a gift and a card from our DS. He told me today he’s got me a few little things. I’ve also got him a few gifts too.

I don’t even hint, I just tell him I’m expecting something. Other wise he won’t think!!! But in every other way he’s fantastic.

It’s shit and lazy. I’m not into big gifts or anything expensive but DH always gets me some little things and always a book or two which I want beyond anything. The kids always watch to see what mummy got daddy and vice versa. Now they’re older they’re involved in the planning and devising too and it’s cute.

He sounds a thoughtless twat.

You must be crushed OP. I think you should take your own action - leave him in charge of your child and take yourself out somewhere nice for the day.

Don't give him his gift or he won’t know how it feels. Don’t buy any treats he likes either.

I think it's important, like you say, that your DC sees healthy relationships.

Take away his presents, why the hell should he get anything?

I cannot understand people who say their partner “ just doesn’t think “ about Christmas presents .

I cannot understand people who say their partner “ just doesn’t think “ about Christmas presents
Me neither, the weaponised incompetence is so strong in some men that people around them buy it.

It's not that they "just don't think" about Christmas/childcare/loading the dishwasher/booking the children's dentist appointments/hanging out the laundry that's in the washing machine/sorting a mother's day card etc, they have thought about these things fleetingly and made a choice not to bother, usually because they assume a woman will sort it out for them.

My DH is the same. I honestly don’t care whether I get anything from him or not, but I do care that he won’t take DS shopping to get something for me.

I took DS shopping to get presents for him, and his extended family (and mine, obviously). DS asked why I didn’t have anything. I said because Daddy needs to take you. DH has just refused point blank - he is off work all week so has plenty of time. My DM has offered to take DS to buy me a birthday present because she knows he won’t bother to take him for that either. I never get anything for Mother’s Day, except for things DS makes in nursery. Honestly I feel like I might as well be divorced at this point.

My dp isn’t into Christmas and would quite happily let the day go by as any other but he knows I don’t feel that way and has told me he “can’t wait for me to open the presents he has bought me this year”. If he didn’t bother I don’t think I’d be with him. It’s not the money spent but the thought that goes into it.

OP does he buy for his family?

That’s crap. We don’t buy for each other very often as we are saving £ and we both get loads to open from family. But we often agree to have a nice meal out or similar instead. We always do a token from DD to each of us though (nothing fancy, £20ish). I have got him Xmas socks, big Toblerone and Maltesers.

This year I have also got DH something he really wants that is £150 and I don’t think he has got me anything as we said no gifts. But I genuinely don’t mind. The thing I have got him is a replacement for something he wears all the time that is knackered but he won’t replace as it’s too spendy. But I want him to have it. So I’ve done it with no expectation of an equivalent.

But it sounds as though he is definitely being thoughtless. Take heed. This often doesn’t bode well.

vm.tiktok.com/ZMFnQw7uf/

I love this on weaponised incompetence. Yes it is talking about dishes, but the principle is the same....