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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry and frustrated with my parents?

103 replies

Greatly · 21/12/2022 07:55

My dsis is in intensive care after a major operation that went wrong - at one point we were told she probably wouldn't make it. She's really struggling. She's a single parent with no support network. I've been driving up and down to look after niece (17) and visit sister (it's a 3 hour drive each way so not close).

My parents are late 70s and refuse to visit, saying my dad is too infirm and can't walk and they don't have money for a taxi. They live with my dbrother who has ocd so refuses to go into a hospital. All three are unvaccinated (big pharma conspiracy theorists). They've completely ignored their granddaughter and now just assume that I'm doing everything. My sister is so angry and so am I as I've been left with absolutely everything, despite having a job and a dh who lost his husband two months ago and three kids of my own.

Aibu to be angry that my parents can't and won't do anything to help?

OP posts:
Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 07:55

She's been in hospital for 5 weeks.

OP posts:
FlippityFlippityFlop · 21/12/2022 08:14

YANBU - but unfortunately it doesn't sound like they will step up at all. Hopefully your sister gets better soon.

thecatsmum12346 · 21/12/2022 08:18

They are being horrible. Have you any idea why they are acting like this? Are they in touch with you asking for updates or are they just just ignoring the situation?

Twiglets1 · 21/12/2022 08:24

They sound ignorant as hell - YANBU

Fishwifer · 21/12/2022 08:24

It sounds horrendous. However, 1 small point, what are you doing when you say you're driving up and down to "look after" a 17 year old... Do you mean emotional support, basic practical stuff like paying bills and stuff? Some 17 year olds are in the forces or married and living independently at that age - so should be comfortable with managing their own diary, education commitments, using washing machine, making basic meals etc.

I'm checking because you're clearly run ragged and going to get no further help - if you're looking after someone at 17, make sure it's the best use of your time etc and ensure you're not just stepping in to mother of a child (at 17!) mode, it's not sustainable

Twiglets1 · 21/12/2022 08:26

Fishwifer · 21/12/2022 08:24

It sounds horrendous. However, 1 small point, what are you doing when you say you're driving up and down to "look after" a 17 year old... Do you mean emotional support, basic practical stuff like paying bills and stuff? Some 17 year olds are in the forces or married and living independently at that age - so should be comfortable with managing their own diary, education commitments, using washing machine, making basic meals etc.

I'm checking because you're clearly run ragged and going to get no further help - if you're looking after someone at 17, make sure it's the best use of your time etc and ensure you're not just stepping in to mother of a child (at 17!) mode, it's not sustainable

And some 17 year olds aren’t like that and would still need a lot of practical as well as emotional support if their mother was hospitalised for 5 weeks.

rattlemehearties · 21/12/2022 08:26

Late 70s is elderly. 17 is not a baby. It sounds like you are going above and beyond and it's a hard time for you and your sister, but it's their lives and they are choosing to live it like that. You can't demand people's sympathy or efforts.

(Also - You have a DH who lost his husband? what does that mean?)

Alibabasonethief · 21/12/2022 08:31

It is a real pity. People can really be assholes. However you are not an asshole and hopefully your sister recovers and you have each other and at the very least this can act as a lesson if your other family members need help down the line. You might not be so available after this experience.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 08:34

rattlemehearties · 21/12/2022 08:26

Late 70s is elderly. 17 is not a baby. It sounds like you are going above and beyond and it's a hard time for you and your sister, but it's their lives and they are choosing to live it like that. You can't demand people's sympathy or efforts.

(Also - You have a DH who lost his husband? what does that mean?)

Sorry - lost his father!!!

Yes 17 is not a baby would be easier if she was as then could bring her here! She's on her own some of the time and apart from only eating takeaway and never doing the washing up she's fine 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 08:36

Fishwifer · 21/12/2022 08:24

It sounds horrendous. However, 1 small point, what are you doing when you say you're driving up and down to "look after" a 17 year old... Do you mean emotional support, basic practical stuff like paying bills and stuff? Some 17 year olds are in the forces or married and living independently at that age - so should be comfortable with managing their own diary, education commitments, using washing machine, making basic meals etc.

I'm checking because you're clearly run ragged and going to get no further help - if you're looking after someone at 17, make sure it's the best use of your time etc and ensure you're not just stepping in to mother of a child (at 17!) mode, it's not sustainable

Just to make sure she's OK really as obviously it's been hard for her and we really thought dsis might die at one point. They also have no money and because my dsis has been ill (addiction issues) the flat is a state so I've been cleaning and buying food, sorting rail cards etc

OP posts:
Alibabasonethief · 21/12/2022 08:39

Greatly · 21/12/2022 08:36

Just to make sure she's OK really as obviously it's been hard for her and we really thought dsis might die at one point. They also have no money and because my dsis has been ill (addiction issues) the flat is a state so I've been cleaning and buying food, sorting rail cards etc

Show quote history

I have a 17 year old and practically she would be fine in this situation but emotionally she would definitely really appreciate the support so I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Your niece is very lucky to have you.

Userg1234 · 21/12/2022 08:44

Wow MN never ceases to amaze me. If a man of say 39 was having sex with 17 years old DN every one would be shouting "she is just a child"
Read the post again please. Slowly. DN mum almost died. Grandparents do not give a fuck about seeing that DN is ok, visiting daughter. Late 70s is no longer old. Yes they may have health issues but their daughter. THAT'S DAUGHTER. Almost died.
OP I feel for you. I was 17 when my mum died but at least I still had dad. You have every right to be angry.

Mindymomo · 21/12/2022 08:48

I would be angry too, what is their excuse for not wanting to help out their granddaughter. I’m sorry for you and hope your dear sister gets better. Can your brother and parents help with the cleaning at least.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 08:58

Mindymomo · 21/12/2022 08:48

I would be angry too, what is their excuse for not wanting to help out their granddaughter. I’m sorry for you and hope your dear sister gets better. Can your brother and parents help with the cleaning at least.

No, they say they can't get there. They got rid of their car. It's very easy on the train for them but they won't even consider it.

To make matters worse they are angry with me for being angry with them 😂 and are now not speaking to me at all.

OP posts:
noworklifebalance · 21/12/2022 09:00

Userg1234 · 21/12/2022 08:44

Wow MN never ceases to amaze me. If a man of say 39 was having sex with 17 years old DN every one would be shouting "she is just a child"
Read the post again please. Slowly. DN mum almost died. Grandparents do not give a fuck about seeing that DN is ok, visiting daughter. Late 70s is no longer old. Yes they may have health issues but their daughter. THAT'S DAUGHTER. Almost died.
OP I feel for you. I was 17 when my mum died but at least I still had dad. You have every right to be angry.

Agree completely.

Poor DN- she must be blindsided. There is a lot more to being independent than just eating and washing up that a 17yo would have little experience of. And all completely out of the blue.

RunLolaRun102 · 21/12/2022 09:02

Can you not bring your dn home with you?

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:04

RunLolaRun102 · 21/12/2022 09:02

Can you not bring your dn home with you?

I'm about to for Xmas but couldn't before as she has college.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 21/12/2022 09:04

No, you're not U to be angry.

Is there anything realistically that they could and would do that would help take the pressure off you? Where will DN spend Christmas? Can she take the train to them and spend a few days with them?

If not, then don't waste your stretched energy being cross at them, remove them from the equation and figure out what else can help.

Does DN have a good friendship group? Can she stay with friends/have friends parents offer some of the support to allow you to ease off?

Is her dad around at all or any relatives on his side?

Is she in school or college or can she come to stay with you for a while in January to reduce the travelling?

I know this would leave your dsis with fewer visitors, but I think she'd be glad to know her daughter and sister were taking care of themselves/each other. And you can both keep in contact with calls/video calls etc.

If there were addiction issues at play, are there any support services around that which can help?

How old are your dc? Can you go spend some time up at sisters over the holidays and then dial it back down again?

Toddlerteaplease · 21/12/2022 09:08

Are they scared of coming to see her and seeing their daughter so Ill. They probably have visions of her covered in tubes and completely unconscious. Of course the 17 year old needs support. She's 17 and her mum is ill.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/12/2022 09:09

I remember your other thread I think, about the tenancy of the flat. The situation sounds so stressful, and your parents are adding to the stress. Hope your sister recovers.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 21/12/2022 09:09

Bloody hell op that sounds awful for you. I think it's absolutely right your niece is getting lots of support. I can't even begin to imagine suddenly being alone at 17 with my mum seriously ill at Christmas time and being told I'm 'nor a baby' so should be able to look after myself.

Of course your parents and brother should be helping. It's horrible they're leaving it all to you. Thank god your nice has you in her life.

sinkyt · 21/12/2022 09:11

You can't demand people's sympathy or efforts.

But normal people would expect better of their parents no?

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 09:12

I'm getting the martyr vibes. A 17 year old shouldn't need a lot of looking after, your parenta have their reasons for not visiting. Just go when you can to visit your sister.

sinkyt · 21/12/2022 09:12

You sound like a lovely sister & aunt OP

wildseas · 21/12/2022 09:13

Looking are your later posts your sisters addiction issues are probably what’s causing your parents behaviour but I agree with you that they’re being really unreasonable in leaving everything to you.

being honest with yourself given the state of the flat how bad is the situation for your niece? Would she be better off with you more long term?

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