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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry and frustrated with my parents?

103 replies

Greatly · 21/12/2022 07:55

My dsis is in intensive care after a major operation that went wrong - at one point we were told she probably wouldn't make it. She's really struggling. She's a single parent with no support network. I've been driving up and down to look after niece (17) and visit sister (it's a 3 hour drive each way so not close).

My parents are late 70s and refuse to visit, saying my dad is too infirm and can't walk and they don't have money for a taxi. They live with my dbrother who has ocd so refuses to go into a hospital. All three are unvaccinated (big pharma conspiracy theorists). They've completely ignored their granddaughter and now just assume that I'm doing everything. My sister is so angry and so am I as I've been left with absolutely everything, despite having a job and a dh who lost his husband two months ago and three kids of my own.

Aibu to be angry that my parents can't and won't do anything to help?

OP posts:
AtomicRitual · 21/12/2022 11:25

But yes, being vaccine conspiracy theorists on one hand and then saying they're scared of catching Covid is nuts! I'm glad you got angry at them!

cstaff · 21/12/2022 11:43

Ah OP this is a really sad messed up situation - but not by you or your sister. I cannot believe any parent or brother would abandon their daughter / granddaughter at their most vulnerable time.

And you are right - your niece is only 17 and I presume hanging on in there by a thread. You keep doing what you can to help and if possible ignore the rest of your family. Is there anyone else that you can turn to for help i.e. friend, cousin, aunt etc.

BTW you are being a fantastic aunt.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 13:32

ThisTimeNext · 21/12/2022 10:25

A little bit of understanding of what it's like to be nearly eighty might help. (Not from OP but from others).

It's likely although not a given, that you are frail, everything hurts, walking is painful, slow and risky. If you fall you are likely not to be able to get up. If you fall you are likely to break a bone, an arm, or worse, a hip. Public transport is very difficult as your balance is poor and waiting about is hard because you have bowel or bladder "uncertainty". Your sight and hearing isn't as good as it used to be. You find it harder to engage with people as they have less patience. You will never earn any more money so you're careful. All these things are huge factors.

This is a general point and may not apply to OP's parents at all. But they have three adult DC, one is at home and clearly has MH difficulties, another has addiction issues - they may feel there is nothing more they can do.

Well done to OP for stepping up - the niece will be very grateful.

Yes this is all very true. I'm not sure how much I can forgive them for not being there for my niece though, and on a selfish note for actually being angry with me for helping - they were so annoyed that my dsis had put me as next of kin (as she knew I'd cope with the medical info and pass it on to everyone) that they have called the hospital, demanded to be the medical info contact and promptly shut down communication with me or dniece, so I now no longer know how my sister is until I physically go into the hospital.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 21/12/2022 14:29

Could you not appeal to your brother?

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 14:34

Stomacharmeleon · 21/12/2022 14:29

Could you not appeal to your brother?

I did originally. Got an angry voice message from my parents saying he couldn't be expected to visit (he's 40!). He has a job so not sure what his issues are. Mad, i know.

OP posts:
BecauseICan22 · 21/12/2022 14:41

Greatly · 21/12/2022 08:36

Just to make sure she's OK really as obviously it's been hard for her and we really thought dsis might die at one point. They also have no money and because my dsis has been ill (addiction issues) the flat is a state so I've been cleaning and buying food, sorting rail cards etc

Show quote history

What a wonderful human you are. Your Dsis and Neice are blessed you're with them. This is clearly a very hard time and I can only imagine how stretched you are. I would however do the exact same in your situation. A 17 year old is clearly going to need support at such an awful time. Throw in I'm guessing her Mum's addiction issues, no money, intensive care oh and it's Christmas, you're needed now more than ever.

I hope things improve for you and I hope your sister is home with her daughter very soon.

BecauseICan22 · 21/12/2022 14:43

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 09:12

I'm getting the martyr vibes. A 17 year old shouldn't need a lot of looking after, your parenta have their reasons for not visiting. Just go when you can to visit your sister.

I too am getting dickhead vibes, (as per a PP). Yes, you. You're a dick.

Nordix · 21/12/2022 14:46

Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:26

Thanks for all the supportive replies - interesting that some people don't think a 17 year old needs support at this time. I wonder if they genuinely think that or are just being odd 🤔

They are just being odd. Imagine a 17-year-old schoolchild being left on her own because her mums in intensive care, with grandparents, auntie and uncle all ignoring her. It would be horrific. You’ve done a good thing stepping up. I think parents and brother should reap what they sow and be ignored from now on.

Is she on her own some nights? Do social services know? Just wondering because I’ve known some 17-year-olds go into foster care.

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 15:47

BecauseICan22 · 21/12/2022 14:43

I too am getting dickhead vibes, (as per a PP). Yes, you. You're a dick.

Show quote history

And you're rude. OP had said she has her own family, her parents can't drive. Sister is being cared for in hospital. Visits will have to be when OP can manage them, a 17 year old is old enough to take care of themselves. OP can be on the end of a phone for hwr neice, of course in an emergency you'd go up but otherwise as I've stated visits will have to be when convenient.

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 15:48

Herejustforthisone · 21/12/2022 10:05

What the fuck is ‘martyrish’ about choosing to look after and help out a 17yo whose mother nearly/might die after being in intensive care for five weeks?

Because they're moaning that they have to do it all. They could do less amd that would still suffice.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 15:57

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 15:48

Because they're moaning that they have to do it all. They could do less amd that would still suffice.

Show quote history

I'm sorry your only take from this is that I'm 'moaning that I have to do it all' 🤔

OP posts:
marrymeadam · 21/12/2022 16:25

I have a 17 year old. If I was in hospital (I was for a few days at the beginning of the year and she was constantly in touch) and she was home alone she would be really unhappy. She can cook and do practical things but the fear of losing your mum and being alone must be so frightening. Thank goodness for you OP

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2022 16:35

Perhaps they don't want to get enmeshed in your sister's life and addictions. You don't have the emotional capacity as you age. Do you have any anger towards your sister for letting her DD down so badly? Is this a wake up call for her, will she now engage with services?

Sceptre86 · 21/12/2022 16:39

She's 17 and was told her mum might not make it. If course she needs support and an actual adult being around her. You are doing what any normal, loving aunt would do. I know if I was ever in that situation my sisters would do the same. As for your parents relationship with your sister, the addiction issues probably have a lot to do with it. It must be very hard to standby and watch your child throw their life away, the lying etc is really difficult. I can understand your judging them though, to not want to visit when she was told it could go either way is incredibly awful and if I was your sister I'd be devastated at that.

Yanbu.

luckylavender · 21/12/2022 16:40

@Greatly - you're doing such a lovely thing for your niece. And as for your parents, you have enough on your plate, ignore them.

wast542 · 21/12/2022 16:43

That sounds really really shitty of them.

Just curious though, what has them being unvaccinated got to do with this?

wast542 · 21/12/2022 16:46

And of course the 17 year old needs support right now. How could she not need help. Not cooking and practical things obvs as she's an adult but she needs someone to be there for her. She must be feeling so alone

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 17:03

It's very easy on the train for them but they won't even consider it

Hi OP, TBF trains are awful at the moment due to strikes and bans on working overtime and rest days.

Nordix · 21/12/2022 17:04

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 15:47

And you're rude. OP had said she has her own family, her parents can't drive. Sister is being cared for in hospital. Visits will have to be when OP can manage them, a 17 year old is old enough to take care of themselves. OP can be on the end of a phone for hwr neice, of course in an emergency you'd go up but otherwise as I've stated visits will have to be when convenient.

Show quote history

You are wrong about this. In the UK, 17 year olds can live on their own, but their parent is still legally responsible for their wellbeing until 18. If her parent is incapacitated in intensive care for 5+ WEEKS then another responsible adult in the family needs to take over this. Not just the odd visit when it’s convenient or in an emergency like you think. Not adequate.

I suspect her school/college have asked her about it, and she’s told then Auntie is visiting regularly and taking care of XYZ - in the absence of that help, social services would be involved.

So yes you are completely wrong about this.

donttellmehesalive · 21/12/2022 17:13

On the face of it, YANBU. They sound awful on every level and of course your DN needs support.

But you do say that they don't have a car and would need to use the train. How long would this journey me, how expensive? It sounds as if they are elderly, infirm (if it's true that your dad has mobility issues), that the journey may be long and potentially prohibitively expensive, that they could be worn out from supporting your 40yo brother's mental health needs.

None of that excuses their angry, defensive attitude or the fact that they won't visit even if you pick them up of course, but my parents are in their 70s and very ill, frail and easily overwhelmed. Maybe they shouldn't be yet, but they are. So I do have the tiniest bit of sympathy with their position.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/12/2022 17:21

They’re unbelievable. This is exactly the time you rally round as a family! Or what is the point of them?!

IAmTheFire · 21/12/2022 17:23

Your sister is an addict, OP. I’d wager your parents have had it up to their eyeballs with her and all the associated behaviour.

Doesn’t excuse them not assisting their grandchild though, now or before this - as a child of addicts myself, I can imagine what your niece has been through as it is and frankly this is just yet more trauma added to her shoulders.

PPs seem to be wilfully missing the part where this child has been dragged up by an addict.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 19:07

Thanks for this thread. It's actually been really helpful. I do need to stop fixating on my parents lack of help. They spoke to my dsis on the phone today while I was there and unbeknownst to them my sister had them on speaker phone as she finds it too hard to hold the phone to her ear. She said 'Greatly is here, she's just taken dniece out for lunch and grocery shopping, she must be spending a fortune!' My dmum said 'oh don't worry about her, she doesn't have anything to worry about, she's alright' Made me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
thecatsmum12346 · 27/12/2022 08:07

to be feeling hurt by this….

Bought loads of gifts for kids (16 and 18) and a few small gifts for husband. Spend a great deal and tried to be thoughtful (Husband told me he hated the Paul Smith silk tie and to return it as he would never wear it).

I got nothing. I don’t need anything…. But….Feeling sad a the lack of consideration. Is this unreasonable?

thecatsmum12346 · 27/12/2022 08:07

Meant spent.