Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel angry and frustrated with my parents?

103 replies

Greatly · 21/12/2022 07:55

My dsis is in intensive care after a major operation that went wrong - at one point we were told she probably wouldn't make it. She's really struggling. She's a single parent with no support network. I've been driving up and down to look after niece (17) and visit sister (it's a 3 hour drive each way so not close).

My parents are late 70s and refuse to visit, saying my dad is too infirm and can't walk and they don't have money for a taxi. They live with my dbrother who has ocd so refuses to go into a hospital. All three are unvaccinated (big pharma conspiracy theorists). They've completely ignored their granddaughter and now just assume that I'm doing everything. My sister is so angry and so am I as I've been left with absolutely everything, despite having a job and a dh who lost his husband two months ago and three kids of my own.

Aibu to be angry that my parents can't and won't do anything to help?

OP posts:
sinkyt · 21/12/2022 09:14

I'm getting the martyr vibes. A 17 year old shouldn't need a lot of looking after,

I'm getting dickhead vibes, why would a 17 yr old not need emotional support during this time.

litlealligator · 21/12/2022 09:19

Wow some of the people on this thread are so harsh. Of course the 17 year old needs support if her mum has nearly died and been in hospital for 5 weeks! OP you're doing the right thing, well done and I hope you can give her a nice Christmas under the circumstances, I'm sure it will mean a lot.

TheaBrandt · 21/12/2022 09:20

Dh parents and my sil parents were both appalling when something horrific happened to Dh brother and his wife. They both sat there fretting about travel arrangements 🙄

All retirees in good health who liked their holidays. Dh got straight on the car (we were on a uk holiday) and drove to the hospital and stepped in. He came back traumatised Was sobering how ineffectual they were when push came to shove.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:22

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 09:12

I'm getting the martyr vibes. A 17 year old shouldn't need a lot of looking after, your parenta have their reasons for not visiting. Just go when you can to visit your sister.

I don't think I could live with myself if I abandoned my niece, obviously that would make life easy for me though 🙄

OP posts:
SomethingOriginal2 · 21/12/2022 09:24

I think posters are being a bit dickish re the 17yo.

What 17yo would be absolutely fine home alone for 5 weeks while their mum is dying in hospital? What planet do you live on? Her mum hasn't gone on holiday and left her a dominos voucher. I can't imagine how awful that's been for her. Coupled with mention of addiction issues, it sounds like the kid hasn't exactly had the easiest upbringing.

Your parents are behaving disgustingly tbh and I would quite frankly tell them not to expect any visitors or help when their time comes. They clearly think it's a perfectly acceptable way to treat your family.

Bobshhh · 21/12/2022 09:24

I'm astounded by the replies on here that say a 17 year old doesn't need much looking after. A young woman has nearly lost her mum in traumatic circumstances, has the threat of being homeless if she doesn't pull through, has I assumed taking some form of caring role for her mother's addiction issues previously and it's nearly Christmas. OF COURSE she needs some support!

I think you're doing an amazing thing OP and your parents sound awful. My PiL massively let their son down when he was in hospital and I've never thought of them in the same way since.

1001Daffodils · 21/12/2022 09:25

Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:22

I don't think I could live with myself if I abandoned my niece, obviously that would make life easy for me though 🙄

Show quote history

For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing by your niece.

Yes 17 is old enough to ordinarily take care of yourself but having your mother die and be hospitalised in a serious way isn't ordinary.

I hope your sister recovers well and your niece is handling everything OK emotionally.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:26

Thanks for all the supportive replies - interesting that some people don't think a 17 year old needs support at this time. I wonder if they genuinely think that or are just being odd 🤔

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 09:26

sinkyt · 21/12/2022 09:14

I'm getting the martyr vibes. A 17 year old shouldn't need a lot of looking after,

I'm getting dickhead vibes, why would a 17 yr old not need emotional support during this time.

Support can be offered over the phone, if it's too far a distance for UP to travel.

NewbieSM · 21/12/2022 09:26

Ignore the martyr comments, you're doing the best thing for your sister and niece and of course yanbu about your parents. They sound shitty to not even visit or check in at all, that is appalling given your sister nearly died and has no other support system/partner.

Glad to hear your niece is spending Christmas with you and I hope your sister recovers soon.

ipreferthecat · 21/12/2022 09:26

My mum was seriously ill in hospital when I was 17

I would have done anything to have had an aunty like you

SnowlayRoundabout · 21/12/2022 09:27

Unfortunately it sounds as if your sister is better off without your parents being involved as they would just get in the way looking for conspiracies.

Can social services help at all with your niece?

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:29

She does take care of herself - just. She seems quite vulnerable to me - I have a dd a year younger who seems more robust and practical.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 21/12/2022 09:29

Wondering if the “17 year olds are adults” crowd actually have teenagers? Or if they do do they not give a shit about them?

Dd 16 her friends are mostly 17 they are doing a levels have part time jobs can just about travel independently but they are very very young adults. This awful situation would upset an adult and you would leave a 17 year old relative unsupported? Unbelievable.

Original poster
Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:30

ipreferthecat · 21/12/2022 09:26

My mum was seriously ill in hospital when I was 17

I would have done anything to have had an aunty like you

Aw. Thank you. That's made me feel quite emotional. I hope you were OK.

OP posts:
Aftersevens · 21/12/2022 09:30

You sound lovely op and are doing absolutely the right thing for your dn. You have every right to be utterly pissed off with your dp. They are not just being unsupportive to your dsis, but to you and their granddaughter. There is no excuse for their selfishness.

sinkyt · 21/12/2022 09:30

@Greatly some posters get a kick out of being contrary.

NerrSnerr · 21/12/2022 09:32

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 09:12

I'm getting the martyr vibes. A 17 year old shouldn't need a lot of looking after, your parenta have their reasons for not visiting. Just go when you can to visit your sister.

A 17 year old whose mum is in intensive care? It's not about cooking her lunch, it's about supporting her as she has a seriously ill parent.

PatientZorro · 21/12/2022 09:32

Well done supporting your niece OP. As a pp suggests, I would be telling the parents that they should expect exactly the same treatment from you and DSis in their hour of need.

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2022 09:33

You sound like a lovely sister and aunt and they're lucky to have you on their side.

To the posters who think the 17 year old should just be left to get on with it blah blah blah - the poor girl has just nearly lost her mum!!

I have a DD of similar age and I'd be devastated if my family members abandoned her and didn't help her!

Typical parallel universe MN again 🙄

ipreferthecat · 21/12/2022 09:35

@Greatly

Yes it did thank you for asking

But I will never forget the loneliness and stress I guess of having to make adult decisions when I wasn't as adult and other family members and my mums friends having opinions but not helping

Although your niece sounds much more mature than I was, I spent every evening drinking Bailey and having my friends over so it wasn't all bad

Fairyliz · 21/12/2022 09:39

You sound great and a lovely aunt. As other posters have mentioned is it possible that your niece could stay with you long term?
However I’m not sure your parents are totally at fault. Your sister is in hospital because of addiction issues; I’m wondering how many years of shit they have had to put up with?
Im in my early 60’s and struggling with a family member with issues. Not sure if I will have the emotional capacity to cope with it in another 15 years.

weebarra · 21/12/2022 09:40

I remember your previous thread and you're absolutely doing the right thing by your DN as she does sound very vulnerable.
Your parents are behaving very badly.
Once things settle down though, your DN does need to work on not just surviving on takeaways!

Greensleevevssnotnose · 21/12/2022 09:41

Greatly · 21/12/2022 09:26

Thanks for all the supportive replies - interesting that some people don't think a 17 year old needs support at this time. I wonder if they genuinely think that or are just being odd 🤔

Not everyone has the same values as you. I would expect she has had a really hard life with shitty examples. Letting her stay home with stability of college and maybe a part-time job or boy\girlfriend is a great idea to keep something normal for her. Now it's time to wrap her up in your family for the holidays if that's what she wants. Well done for all you have done.

JoyBeorge · 21/12/2022 09:45

Sadly you tend to find the pharma conspiracy theorists don't invest an awful lot of time thinking about other peoples needs because they are so wrapped up in their own bonkers ideas. Thankfully your sister has you. I know it's wrong this is all falling on you and you are not unreasonable to be angry at them for being so useless when you need them. Have you actually told them how angry you are at their lack of support?