To feel angry and frustrated with my parents?

[Greatly]

My dsis is in intensive care after a major operation that went wrong - at one point we were told she probably wouldn't make it. She's really struggling. She's a single parent with no support network. I've been driving up and down to look after niece (17) and visit sister (it's a 3 hour drive each way so not close).

My parents are late 70s and refuse to visit, saying my dad is too infirm and can't walk and they don't have money for a taxi. They live with my dbrother who has ocd so refuses to go into a hospital. All three are unvaccinated (big pharma conspiracy theorists). They've completely ignored their granddaughter and now just assume that I'm doing everything. My sister is so angry and so am I as I've been left with absolutely everything, despite having a job and a dh who lost his husband two months ago and three kids of my own.

Aibu to be angry that my parents can't and won't do anything to help?

You have every right to be angry with your parents, I would be too! But I think for your own sake you need to take a deep breath and let it go. I don't mean you need to be happy about it, but just accept that they are not going to help, rather than expecting it and being let down. I would also be doing what others have said and stepping back on helping them in future.

You're a good person OP, and your niece will remember what you did for her. That's the most important thing. I'm glad you're able to bring her to yours for Christmas. She might be a surly teenager but I am certain she appreciates it!

Yes I've told them. They were extremely angry. They now aren't speaking to me.

Thanks. I know i have to move on from it but I'm finding it hard to accept. I really don't think I can bring myself to look after them if they ever need it.

I do accept that they may have had enough of my dsis as her addiction issues have been tough on everyone. But I cannot believe they didn't even ask about their grandchild at all.

Some PP are horrible. Your niece is 17, so ok, legally old enough to join the army or have a child but still very very young, with her desperately ill mother in hospital, yet people think she should basically suck it up? Of course she needs care and support and you have been a great sister and auntie for giving that. Sorry but your parents sound selfish and batshit crazy.

I think you are doing an amazing job, it’s hard but you know you are doing it for the right reasons. Your dn really needs you now especially if your sister has had a chaotic lifestyle (you mentioned addiction), so your support and stability emotionally will mean so much - a messy house and takeaways are fine!!!

regarding your parents - I can’t get past the fact they haven’t visited their potentially dying child or even offered to help with dm. Unless there is a huge backstory, I would really question my relationship with them and certainly would be cutting back contact (and any help they may expect long term).

I think what you are doing for your niece is lovely and can see why you are doing it.

I do think you are however, being too harsh on your parents. They are elderly, have a son at home with mental health issues. It could be that, they aren’t handling that well. He is influencing them not to go, not be vaccinated etc.

That doesn’t help you though and I am sorry this is all so stressful for you. I hope you, your sister and your niece are ok.

They have always been insular. When ny dsis begged them to come and see her, they just said they cannot afford it and that my ddad can't walk very far. I offered to pick them up and drive them and then they rang to say they couldn't do that as they are unvaccinated and might catch Covid in the hospital. That is also why they can't be around dniece.

I am trying to think of something that they could possibly do. I can't believe there is nothing at all!

What the fuck is ‘martyrish’ about choosing to look after and help out a 17yo whose mother nearly/might die after being in intensive care for five weeks?

Hi OP, you sound wonderful. Just to say my aunts stepped in when my family was going through a crisis. This was over many years - sadly my DM did die. My sibling and I have never forgotten how they were for us - as a result we are very close to them to this day. As I’ve gotten older and had my own children their care all those years ago - has, in a funny way, meant even more to me. I still think about what they did and how it made such a huge difference to us.

Many people find it too confronting when things get properly tough, and it’s easier for them to put their heads in the sand. Your neice will be benefiting hugely from
everything you’re doing. 17 is still very young. Our brains fully mature at 25!

P.S I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. I wish your sister well and hope you and your family manage to have some kind of relaxation over Christmas 🎄

Oh, I’m so sorry OP. Plenty of crap parents around but must be a shock to find out yours might be too. I really hope they don’t think family related caring should now be done by you as woman because I would be making it clear I couldn’t cover both sister and them.

I wish you all well, especially your sister.

A little bit of understanding of what it's like to be nearly eighty might help. (Not from OP but from others).

It's likely although not a given, that you are frail, everything hurts, walking is painful, slow and risky. If you fall you are likely not to be able to get up. If you fall you are likely to break a bone, an arm, or worse, a hip. Public transport is very difficult as your balance is poor and waiting about is hard because you have bowel or bladder "uncertainty". Your sight and hearing isn't as good as it used to be. You find it harder to engage with people as they have less patience. You will never earn any more money so you're careful. All these things are huge factors.

This is a general point and may not apply to OP's parents at all. But they have three adult DC, one is at home and clearly has MH difficulties, another has addiction issues - they may feel there is nothing more they can do.

Well done to OP for stepping up - the niece will be very grateful.

It can be amazing when extended family step up. We had it once in a far more minor way but still. My aunts Dh a quiet man stepped in and totally saved us when we really needed it. Won’t ever forget that.

I work with the elderly - an elderly client was in tears recounting how her late husbands niece had stepped in and done so much for her when her Dh died and continues to do so.

Can’t believe the comments about 17 year olds not needing to be ‘looked after’

Of course they bloody do. They are still childlike.

You’re not unreasonable and it’s pretty shameful behaviour for your parents.

I wish your sister, your niece and yourself all the best but I am curious about your ‘dh just lost his husband?’

Exactly. I'm almost 40 and would need alot of support in this situation at 17 I wouldn't have coped at all. I mean obviously OP isn't legally responsible and can tell everyone to fuck off and go out to Christmas drinks instead but any person with an ounce of compassion would want to help.

I think you're a great auntie, but you need to accept that your parents aren't going to step up, and just get on with working out what you can offer your niece and sister, and where you find the balance in looking after yourself and your own life at the same time. Being a kind, compassionate, present auntie in a time of great emotional turmoil and difficulty is not being a martyr, it's being a good human being. But expecting the same from other people who cannot or will not do the same is only going to breed resentment. It's really shit of your parents to opt out, but there's no point in arguing with them or trying to guilt them into it o they are not going to come through. Let go of your expectations of other people, that's between them and their conscience, but know that the most important thing is that somebody is there for DN and that the only way you can guarantee that is to be that person. I don't know why some parents/grandparents chose to opt out like this, but many do. They are old, they've done their time caring for others or whatever it is, but there's no point banging down shut doors. It is what it is.

Sometimes the best type of communication is to ask the people who are perplexing questions why are you being a pratt ? Is there something you think you can do to support my sister?

I meant his father 😂 sorry. My Pil.

Well you know going forward you have tight bond with dsister and niece but don't put yourself out over brother or parents.

You’re doing a great job.

Most 17 year olds would struggle if their only parent was in hospital for several weeks. Yes, 17yo can join the army, but there would be a structured system in place, and it’s a choice they’ve made.

If your sister is an addict then your niece may well be emotionally fragile already. Be prepared for a possible opening of the emotional floodgates when she comes to you- she’s probably feeling overwhelmed.

Your parents and brother are not going to help. Leave them to it- I’d be unavailable to them for the time being.

I'd tell your parents the truth how can they be scared of covid but won't take the vaccine? They're being pathetic.

Why have kids if you just can't be arsed to put them before your own selfish means?
If I was you and your sister I'd cut contact.

With the way your parents are, I'm beginning to think it's no wonder your DSis has addiction issues. Your brother obviously does too (just not in terms of alcohol or drugs). As harsh as it sounds, it seems like your parents have a lot to answer for and, to be honest, are probably just as well keeping away. YANBU to feel how you do - it's totally understandable to me.

It sounds like your niece has her head screwed on right though in terms of going to college etc, and you're being a wonderfully supportive aunt.

I hope your sister gets well soon.