having visitors in hospital all day

[nearlyjarv]

aibu to think this is rude? visiting is 8-8 on a women’s only ward where women are having pv bleeding and other pregnancy complications. woman opposite has had her partner in every single day for the whole 12 hours (been here 3 days so far) and then other visitors popping in and out. curtains wide open so unless i want to sit in the dark and shut my own curtain (which i’ve been asked not to anyway as on constant monitoring) i can’t ignore them.

really bugging me as i’m trying to pump colostrum and having to do so in the toilet, having constant bleeding and cramps etc and have zero privacy. i don’t care about other women in the same boat being here but sick of a man on the ward all blinking day 🥲

"Outside of those times, the ward was peaceful and relaxed, and I could catch up on sleep that I'd lost overnight."

The only sleep I got in hospital was when my dh visited and ds slept on him, baby was not a fan of the crib and having just had a section I couldn't lift him in and out. Nurses were really helpful and accommodating but they were run off their feet.

"she was so frusrated at the constant noise and the loud phone calls of her neighbours' partners that yes, she was desperate for support."

Again when I was in I found that in between visiting hours most of the women sat on the phone with their partners which was louder than having them in because at least when they visited they whispered a bit rather than sitting on speakerphone. I think it really depends on the luck of the draw who you're in with. In fairness to those women their children were very unwell so they were clearly trying to keep their oh updated on what was happening and have support for themselves. Some had no spoken English which probably made the ward quite a lonely place and they couldn't have spoken to others in the ward even if they'd wanted to.

I know that's just my experience but I don't think it's quite fair to judge women for wanting their partner to be there for support when they're feeling vulnerable either. Our visiting hours were in 3x 2hr blocks across the day though so that worked quite well.

Yep 👍🏼

Several of our friends have recently had babies, all will BF in my DP’s presence and neither he nor they find it ‘uncomfortable’. Nobody bats an eyelid because it’s a totally normal thing to do as that is what breasts are for.

Whip your tits out to feed your child anywhere you see fit.
If she needs him.and he's willing to be there all day everyday I think that f* awesome for her.whatan amazing support system.
It's your choice u want them for half hour. Some people want their loved one around at all times.if they can facilitate that then all the better.
A lady on our found it so hard being there.she was so ill.the late nurse allowed her dad to come in at midnight to be there.it was one of the best levels of care iv e seen.

YABU I'm afraid.
I feel for you for the lack of privacy, but the partner is part of the care team. Last pregnancy I was in antenatal and postnatal ward on my own because of lockdown. It was awful because I needed help and I hope no woman is forced to go through things I did alone.

Its not the visitors that are the issue, it’s the lack of privacy in hospitals and lack of nursing staff. NHS hospital wards are hell on Earth.

If there were more nurses and more of the nurses were actually kind to patients, maybe patients wouldn’t feel such a need to have partners and others family/friends visit them so much.

I wasn’t properly cared on any of the occasions I’ve been in hospital, so without my partner doing the caring, I don’t know what would have happened. Some of that was lack of nurses and I can sympathise with that part, they’re just too busy. More nurses, better pay please. But even when they did spend a few minutes on me, a lot of them were extremely unkind and impatient. And they made me feel like shit, at a time I felt bad enough already. There’s no way I’m ever being in hospital without having someone I trust with me at all allowed visiting times.

When I was in after having my children, I wanted my partner, not other women I didn’t know. I don’t get my ‘support’ from random other mums. It’s not 1950 where the women stick together and men aren’t part of things. I wanted my partner, no one else. But the privacy issue needs addressing. Totally normal for women to not want men they don’t know there. More private rooms are needed.

or just chat to the other new mums and share support that way, like we did.

Genuinely one of my worst nightmares. Sharing ‘support’ with random women just because we’ve all just had babies. Like some sort of commune. No thanks. I just wanted my partner and to go home ASAP. I know some women love to be ‘all women together’ but that’s not my thing at all in that situation.

There were some perks to being pregnant and giving birth during lockdown. It was very peaceful on my ward. Only (birth) partners were allowed for a very short, distanced, masked evening visit once a day and after you were wheeled to the delivery room. I don't think such long visiting hours are good for recovery. People should have a chance to rest in the afternoon. Or give others the possibility of a rest at least.

Every mum can understand how you feel. You don't need to be told your being unreasonable really because it's so horrible being in hospital you are allowed to be unreasonable really

I gave birth prematurely during the first lockdown and would have given anything for my husband to be with me in maternity triage. Maybe if I'd had someone to advocate for me I'd have been actually cared for, rather than left confused, kneeling on the floor with the urge to push, wondering why no one was listening to my (admittedly weak) cries for help. I was 10 cm dilated when anyone finally bothered to check and had to be told not to push (awful feeling) till I was in the delivery room. DD was born within 10 minutes.

Then after the birth, I'd have given anything to have DH support in NICU. I didn't care about pumping with the male doctors present, I did didn't care about pumping when the dad of the triplets on the ward was present, though I shut the curtains for his sake.

You seem precious and unkind OP.

I don’t understand why you are pumping in a toilet rather than with the curtain closed around your bed.

Genuine question, not being a knob (or I probably am for not being educated on this!) but why are you pumping if your antenatal?

Is it a new thing pumping before you’ve given birth?

We need to go down the French healthcare route. I visited a friend there who had just given birth. It was a large private room, with nurses bringing her fresh towels, and an official visited her to register the birth. This was the state system. If France can get it right, why can't we?

This is how it is in my local UK NHS hospital. No official to register the birth (though that would be amazing), but every patient has their own en suite room and towels etc are provided.
It's a new hospital (opened 2020) so hopefully a sign of where things are going.

Sorry that was a reply to @Fireandflight

She is being monitored, so midwives want the curtains open

Sorry, but are you really moaning about husbands/partners visiting their other half?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fighting re single-sex wards etc. But I’m not going to blanket-blame hospital visitors. If they’re inappropriate then complain.

Wether the OP is unreasonable or not, some of these responses are unnecessarily harsh. Yes the other patient and her husband aren't breaking rules and that patient deserves to have support she needs or wants.

However a bit of empathy wouldn't go a miss FFS. OP, based on where she is and what she's said, is having antenatal complications and what sounds like a stressful and horrible time. I'd be pissed off and fed up too and more so in this situation, if I couldn't close my curtains due monitoring.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through it and that all goes well with you and your baby. If the staff need to monitor you is there a chance you can be moved nearer to them?

YABU

Put your curtains round and your earbuds in. If everyone is allowed visitor what's the issue. Its only in thd day.

Surely you wouldn't sit on a ward with all your it's out anyway if your constantly hooked up to the CTG.

Yes this is exactly what I did. My baby went to neonatal within an hour of birth. I hand expressed colostrum when round on postnatal ward and took it to baby for the first 24 hours. After that I used a pump on neonatal, next to baby's incubator. In both situations with curtains drawn and many visitors and medical staff inches away.
I was told to hand express colostrum antenatally which I did and came in very useful with an unexpected NG fed baby. Have you been advised to pump? I'm surprised the small volumes aren't getting lost in the system. Hand expressing is silent unlike using an electric pump, and quicker to pull your top down if someone came in, maybe you'd feel more comfortable doing this next to the visitors?

I can see both sides. I really feel for you because it's such a gross invasion of privacy. Otoh I needed my dh with me through a very stressful time.We are fortunate enough to have gone private, but I really feel for you.

Well you are clearly ignorant/never had a CS/ complicated birth and recovery. Very easy to think you can crack on if everything was smooth sailing 🙄

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable, she’s just following the rules, but I totally understand how having strange men around you 12 hours a day when you’re feeling vulnerable, can’t close your curtain for privacy and are probably having discussions and examinations which are intimate isn’t nice. I think the visiting hours are far far too long, but this is likely because visitors can help patients and take some of the burden away from staff. It’s not right at all though.

I'm not sure why anyone should be expected to feel comfortable expressing in full view of a strange man. It's hard enough expressing anyway without adding in lack of privacy or unpleasant surroundings such as a toilet.

I agree OP that 12 hours visiting a day is far too long and I'm sure it's because of staffing shortages.
I'd ask that the other patient closes their curtains if you are not recommended to close yours.

And people on phone calls should be told in no uncertain terms to turn the speakerphone off.

What is the reason for you not being able to momentarily close the curtain, set up your pumping situation, cover yourself with a sheet / baggy T-shirt? And then if you have to have the curtains open, open them?

Going to the toilet each time is unnecessary. He won't be paying the blindest bit of interest in another woman pumping in another cubicle.

I was in hospital for weeks before DD was born. I needed my husband there. The other woman isn't breaking any rules or being rude. She obviously needs her partner, and he obviously wants to support her. I think it's nice to see a partner supporting the mother of his child during a stressful time.

Seems really strange that you under no circumstances can close your curtains at all. If that's the case, are you allowed to shut the door or you go to the bathroom?

You have no idea of the circumstances and while I feel for you, the other woman has a right to want support by her other half.