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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

having visitors in hospital all day

114 replies

nearlyjarv · 20/12/2022 12:35

aibu to think this is rude? visiting is 8-8 on a women’s only ward where women are having pv bleeding and other pregnancy complications. woman opposite has had her partner in every single day for the whole 12 hours (been here 3 days so far) and then other visitors popping in and out. curtains wide open so unless i want to sit in the dark and shut my own curtain (which i’ve been asked not to anyway as on constant monitoring) i can’t ignore them.

really bugging me as i’m trying to pump colostrum and having to do so in the toilet, having constant bleeding and cramps etc and have zero privacy. i don’t care about other women in the same boat being here but sick of a man on the ward all blinking day 🥲

OP posts:
Ineedsleepandcoffee · 20/12/2022 21:56

I can understand that it is a hard situation for you that is being made worse but equally the other woman could be having a hard time that would be made worse if her partner was not allowed to be there for her. You said you draw the curtains when your visitors are there, so can you discuss with the nurses the need to draw curtains, at times, for expressing and for rest.

elevenplusdilemma · 20/12/2022 22:03

Hbh17 · 20/12/2022 12:42

It's awful on any ward, & many doctors believe that it's bad for patients because they don't get enough rest.
The traditional one hour in the afternoon and a further hour in the evening is more than enough (as I realised when I was hospitalised a few years ago). It's healthcare, not a holiday camp.

I agree. Having visitors is exhausting when you're poorly. Putting up with others' visitors is even worse. Short visiting times are best all round.
I suspect the reason that they're so long nowadays is because the visitors can provide a lot of the care that the nurses can't - helping their relative eat, wash, get dressed, go to the loo, top up the water jug, nip to the shop to get snacks / the paper for them etc. In days gone by there were enough nurses and care assistants to do this. Now there are not. Without the visitors to help their relatives, the situation would be untenable.

Stopthebusplease · 20/12/2022 22:12

OP, can't you ask the patient with all day visitors to close their curtains? I understand why the staff don't want yours closed, but as the other patient has someone with them who can call for assistance if necessary, then surely having their curtains closed would give everyone else the privacy that you wish for?? Just a thought.

thing47 · 20/12/2022 22:45

I think if they're within the visiting hour rules, they're not really being unreasonable.

But isn't 8-8 visiting really unusual these days? DH was in hospital for a major operation a couple of months ago and the visiting hours were 6-8pm during the week and 2-4pm + 6-8pm at weekends. That's it. No visiting on any morning at all. And the ward doors were locked outside those hours so there was no getting round the rules.

CatchHimDerry · 20/12/2022 22:54

It was 8-8 when I had DS in June and I would count down every minute until DH arrived and could be with me. He stayed almost the full time every day

I absolutely needed him there for both mental and physical support

We had private rooms so a little different and we’d definitely be respectful of privacy if it was a ward

That said I had not a wink of sleep in private room anyway as could still hear everyone’s babies / visitors / someone in and out for obs regularly etc and was crawling the walls to be allowed back home

gezelligheid · 20/12/2022 23:07

YABVU. Just because you don't want visitors 12 hours a day doesn't mean other women don't. They are abiding by the rules and he is supporting his partner who clearly wants him there.

Also you come across as very self absorbed if you think that he is taking any notice of what you're doing. No need to pump in the bathroom - he won't even notice if you did it right next to him because he's not focused on you. He's there to spend time and support his partner and baby, not watch you pump colostrum.

PenelopeStrawberry1 · 20/12/2022 23:15

I can never understand it when people say things like 'I'm not allowed the curtains shut'. I'd just tell the staff firmly that you will be shutting your curtains for privacy. And then shut them.

I certainly wouldn't be pumping colostrum in the toilet!

Unsureofitall · 20/12/2022 23:23

YABU, when I was in hospital

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 20/12/2022 23:24

YABVU and selfish. Just close your curtain when you need to and explain why to the nurses/doctors. Accept that other people’s needs are different to yours but equally important.

Unsureofitall · 20/12/2022 23:25

Posted too soon. When I was in hospital for sepsis during my pregnancy. I really needed visitors there. I was really lonely and scared. As long as she's sticking to visiting hours, I don't see a problem with what she's doing. Speak to the nurses, maybe you can have your curtain partially shut to allow you some privacy?

Yfory · 20/12/2022 23:32

This would really bug me too. As others have already said hospitals arent holiday camps. Patients need to rest to get well - all of them, those being visited and those not. An hours visiting time option morning, afternoon, early evening is plenty.

Feckingfeck · 20/12/2022 23:32

Hbh17 · 20/12/2022 12:42

It's awful on any ward, & many doctors believe that it's bad for patients because they don't get enough rest.
The traditional one hour in the afternoon and a further hour in the evening is more than enough (as I realised when I was hospitalised a few years ago). It's healthcare, not a holiday camp.

This...

It can also be a huge inconvenience and delay clinical procedures and examinations. Hate going to do bloods and a family member insisting they will stay 🤔

Our ward currently has 2 x 2hr slots, 1 visitor each time have to book in advance. To be honest with all the flu going around it seems the safest policy.

saraclara · 20/12/2022 23:46

I'm going to sound old and grumpy, but seriously, what's the matter with all of you who think you have to have your DH with you the whole time?

When I had my babies,visiting time was two hours in the early afternoon and two hours in the evening. Outside of those times, the ward was peaceful and relaxed, and I could catch up on sleep that I'd lost overnight.

When I visited my DD in her post natal ward it was bedlam, and she was so frusrated at the constant noise and the loud phone calls of her neighbours' partners that yes, she was desperate for support.

Maybe if hospitals went back to the arrangements that they had in the late 80s and 90s, new mums wouldn't need so much support because the ward would be peaceful and they could nap or just chat to the other new mums and share support that way, like we did.

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 23:48

@saraclara the OP isn't on a post natal ward though. There are no babies.

CatSeany · 21/12/2022 00:25

I can sympathise because I found it really hard having visitors in the bay after giving birth. I was shattered, and visits were staggered meaning that everyone had 2 hours but there was someone there all the time. Sadly my partner couldn't make his alloted 2 hour slot because he had my son to care for and children weren't allowed. Anyway... I really believe visiting should be allowed, but 8-8 is extreme. I think 9-12 and 5-8 would be better. Allows everyone to have a few hours of quiet time to rest and allows people to gave visitors if they need them.

saraclara · 21/12/2022 00:42

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 23:48

@saraclara the OP isn't on a post natal ward though. There are no babies.

I know. My post was clearly aimed at all the posters here who've said they needed their partners 12 hours a day when post natal.

OP didn't want them there, So clearly I wasn't aiming my post at her..

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2022 00:46

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 12:38

If visiting hours are 8-8 then there will be vistors during that time.
Is he actually taking any notice of you or is he just concerned about his wife. I doubt he is interested in you.
Put the curtains round when you need privacy.

The OP clearly stated that she can't do that as she has to be monitored...

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2022 00:47

Yfory · 20/12/2022 23:32

This would really bug me too. As others have already said hospitals arent holiday camps. Patients need to rest to get well - all of them, those being visited and those not. An hours visiting time option morning, afternoon, early evening is plenty.

Absolutely

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2022 00:49

gezelligheid · 20/12/2022 23:07

YABVU. Just because you don't want visitors 12 hours a day doesn't mean other women don't. They are abiding by the rules and he is supporting his partner who clearly wants him there.

Also you come across as very self absorbed if you think that he is taking any notice of what you're doing. No need to pump in the bathroom - he won't even notice if you did it right next to him because he's not focused on you. He's there to spend time and support his partner and baby, not watch you pump colostrum.

Yes. Because visitors never look around the ward and wonder what everyone is in for...

Why do people need family there all the time? Is this because there are insufficient medical staff on?

Needmorelego · 21/12/2022 00:53

@Nanny0gg I didn't mean to pull the curtains round all day - just when she is pumping or getting changed etc.
Although if the OP can get out of her bed to go to the toilet to pump she could just ask the nurse if there's a private place she can go.

Needmorelego · 21/12/2022 00:56

@Nanny0gg maybe the other patient has learning difficulties so needs help with understanding and communicating with the doctors/nurses.
Or maybe not. Maybe she doesn't think it's unusual to have someone with her.
We don't know. It's none of our business.

ParentPerson · 21/12/2022 01:19

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this OP. Being stuck on an antenatal ward when things are going awry in pregnancy so ridiculously shit.

I had a baby semi recently and I hated partners on the ward, it was a million degrees with the curtains shut and the last thing I wanted was strange men there so I am totally sympathetic to what you’re saying! There’s a vulnerability you feel in these situations where the presence of unknown men (a group we have been conditioned to be wary of since early adolescence) adds to your feelings of discomfort and fear.

However, you know pushing feelings/hormones to one side that they’re doing nothing wrong and someone’s partner will be bringing them comfort during their stay. FWIW I ended up napping, boobs out, snoring with the curtains open on my postnatal ward in full view of all the partners 😂😂 I was so hot and fed up! #sorrynotsorry

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2022 01:21

Needmorelego · 21/12/2022 00:56

@Nanny0gg maybe the other patient has learning difficulties so needs help with understanding and communicating with the doctors/nurses.
Or maybe not. Maybe she doesn't think it's unusual to have someone with her.
We don't know. It's none of our business.

I wasn't speaking about one particular patient, just the need in general. It mystifies me

Cw112 · 21/12/2022 01:22

I'm just out of hospital after a section. I struggled a bit with establishing bf and found it a bit exposed sitting boobs out on the ward so just used my curtain. There were two women in the ward with me who's babies were not doing well and they clearly needed the support of their ohs and tbh I wouldn't begrudge them it because if I'd been in their shoes I'd have wanted my dh there for support. Could you ask the midwives to turn your chair around and partially close your curtain over so you have a bit more privacy than facing out at everyone? If you're harvesting colostrum alone locked in a toilet then I see no difference between that and sitting with a closed curtain in terms of monitoring. In fact at least with the curtain you've access to your buzzer should you need it. You could maybe ask if you could be moved to a corner bed if one becomes available later on so people aren't walking past you? Hope all goes OK for you op.

Original poster
nearlyjarv · 21/12/2022 01:26

gezelligheid · 20/12/2022 23:07

YABVU. Just because you don't want visitors 12 hours a day doesn't mean other women don't. They are abiding by the rules and he is supporting his partner who clearly wants him there.

Also you come across as very self absorbed if you think that he is taking any notice of what you're doing. No need to pump in the bathroom - he won't even notice if you did it right next to him because he's not focused on you. He's there to spend time and support his partner and baby, not watch you pump colostrum.

sorry but what a stupid comment - he may not be looking but do you honestly think it’s abnormal for any woman to feel uncomfortable whipping their tits out and pumping away 2 metres opposite someone else’s husband?

OP posts: