Page 6 | "She's nice but very small"

frostytinsel · 2022-12-20T12:20:31+00:00

My mum rang me earlier to tell me about sibling's new girlfriend who she has recently met (I haven't met her yet). First comment was along the lines of "Oh yes I met Annabel the other day, she's nice, very small, she's from India, spent most of her life in Dubai then came over here, I thought she'd be taller but when I met her she was very small, lovely girl though." AIBU to be feel annoyed by this focus on appearance? My mum often seems to point out how tall/ short/ big/ small someone is on first meeting them. I'm much more interested in her career, interests, etc but none of that was even mentioned, it was all about her appearance and the fact she wasn't British.

nonamehere · 20/12/2022 16:38

zingally · 20/12/2022 15:21

My mum is the same. Perhaps worse, as she'll comment on STRANGERS body sizes/fashion choices that she passes in the street. She THINKS she's saying it quietly, but in fact rarely is. It's quite annoying, not to mention rude, but she'll never change.
A generational thing perhaps? My mum is late 60s.

No, it's not a generational thing. I'm in my late 60s, and oddly enough some of us are quite polite. And wouldn't dream of being ageist.

shockthemonkey · 20/12/2022 16:39

RunLolaRun102 · Today 16:25
There’s probably a bit of racism at play too. Like ‘Oh she’s small so it’s okay’. I’m tall and Indian and heavyset and people often refer to me in extremely horrible ways because I don’t meet a stereotype

Oh dear, I literally cannot make any sense out of this.

lifeofasd · 20/12/2022 16:41

I think it's worse for men. They get a lifetime of short man jokes 🙄

ItsACrater · 20/12/2022 16:43

My MIL said I had nice eyes to my now DH.

BoreOfWhabylon · 20/12/2022 16:43

nonamehere · 20/12/2022 16:38

No, it's not a generational thing. I'm in my late 60s, and oddly enough some of us are quite polite. And wouldn't dream of being ageist.

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Hear hear!

nonamehere · 20/12/2022 16:45

Funkyblues101 · 20/12/2022 15:23

My mum's first question to her daughter in law, asking about the DIL's sister's fiance was, "is he good looking?". I saw that DIL was visibly taken aback but managed to stammer, "he's lovely," but I could see my mother wanted to know if the fiance was actually good looking. Old folk aren't interested in the personality of others!

"Old folk aren't interested in the personality of others!"

Really? All old folk?

Crumpleton · 20/12/2022 16:46

shockthemonkey · 20/12/2022 16:39

RunLolaRun102 · Today 16:25
There’s probably a bit of racism at play too. Like ‘Oh she’s small so it’s okay’. I’m tall and Indian and heavyset and people often refer to me in extremely horrible ways because I don’t meet a stereotype

Oh dear, I literally cannot make any sense out of this.

I'm sat here tut tutting...
Different post maybe?

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/12/2022 17:04

Knockagain · 20/12/2022 12:26

I’ve been ‘short cake’ for most of my life but it really doesn't offend me and never has… I have more important things to get worked up over

This. ^ I think it's bizarre to get uptight about this.

Do you normally get upset and offended easily @frostytinsel Sounds like you're looking for a reason to be offended.

eastegg · 20/12/2022 17:06

Berlinlover · 20/12/2022 13:56

I’d prefer to be called small than to be called big.

The people getting called small all the time might not agree with you. They might like being called big just for a change. Or just prefer not to have their physical appearance pointed out to them at all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2022 17:08

"My mum often seems to point out how tall/ short/ big/ small someone is on first meeting them."
I am really not seeing the problem of your mother giving a visual description of someone she's just met. First impressions. She's relaying to you what she noted in the order that she noted it, replaying the meeting in her mind.

"I'm much more interested in her career, interests, etc but none of that was even mentioned"
All details that will come out in conversation, as and when the new person feels comfortable to give that information. None of it instantly apparent just from laying eyes on them.

You seem quite invested in casting your mother as some sort of bigot.

Livelovebehappy · 20/12/2022 17:09

Seriously? Do people really give headspace to this type of stuff? Sounds like it wasn’t made in a malicious way - it’s all about context. Do you always over analyse conversations you have with your mother? It must be very tedious for her…

KettrickenSmiled · 20/12/2022 17:42

Old folk aren't interested in the personality of others!

😂😂😂😂😂
To be clear, laughing AT this, not WITH it @Funkyblues101

Ageism at its finest: casual, reductive, & so blinkered it's utterly unaware of itself.

I can only suspect you have limited experience of old folk, so have made broad assumptions based on a narrow sample?

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 20/12/2022 17:47

Livelovebehappy · 20/12/2022 17:09

Seriously? Do people really give headspace to this type of stuff? Sounds like it wasn’t made in a malicious way - it’s all about context. Do you always over analyse conversations you have with your mother? It must be very tedious for her…

Exactly... It's not THAT unusual for someone's first reaction to be about someone's appearance. The first thing ANYone looks at is looks and appearance, when looking for a partner, or even an employee. The appearance of a potential employee will be important to many. Even if they do the job OK, if they look scruffy and dirty, and they smell bad, they probably won't get the job.

With a potential partner, the first thing anyone looks at/is interested in is how they look. Looks ARE important, they really are. Of course there has to be MORE than that for the relationship to work, but looks ARE important.

They are also important to people when their son or daughter meets someone/decides to settle down. Like it or not, most people WILL judge, and don't want their DC to be with a partner who is not conventionally attractive.

My DH's mother said 'well SHE is a lot better than the last one!' when she first met me over 30 years ago. The previous girlfriend who he was with for just 3 or 4 weeks, (in his mother's words) didn't have the looks she would want in a woman her son was with. My mother also approved of DH, and said 'oooh he is handsome!' He looks a bit like Richard Gere, and ALL the women in my family approved! My mother asked about what he did for a job and other stuff later on, but yes, many people WILL focus on the looks first.

Stomacharmeleon · 20/12/2022 17:53

My partner is like this but can tell me at one look what sport they were good at...
'That's Tony Wright he played Sunday league until he was 50'
'Chris jones and the jones family? All good at cricket. Youngest plays county'
Always makes me chuckle....

HollyHobbie12 · 20/12/2022 18:19

I have had -

You're a tiny little thing
You are teeny tiny
You're only little
You're like a little fairy

As I said, I am 37 and had a lifetime of this. I'm not particularly short either, 5'3 to be exact and around 8.5 stone so hardly 'teeny tiny' or even petite really.

SnackSizeRaisin · 20/12/2022 19:44

It's an evolved behaviour to judge on looks. It tells you about someone's health and social status. It's a modern thing for it not to matter.

Even nowadays it's noticeable that working class men of middle age or older tend to be quite short. I am 5 foot 5 and generally they would be shorter than me. It's fairly unusual to get a man of over 60 from a working class background who is above about 5 8. Whereas middle class men are usually taller than that. It's to do with nutrition in recent generations. Being less than 5 foot is also pretty normal for older working class women and unusual for young adults of any social class. Nowadays height is less of a marker but obesity is becoming the new one.

Aftersevens · 20/12/2022 19:53

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 20/12/2022 15:27

So what are you supposed to ask someone of a different generation? Which of the speakers in Plato’s Symposium best reflects their concept of Love? Do they believe that Tutankhamen was murdered by his uncle? What do they fancy for the 3. 20 at Ludlow ? Or how about where does your family live ( though of course that might get you accused of racism)

We used to call it small talk.

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I mean yes, those questions and topics would be fascinating. But you’ve misunderstood my post. My dad would ask ‘me’ those questions. Before asking if eg my new boyfriend were kind, or hardworking or even what he does, he’d ask what his father does 🤣
I’d totally understand the small talk on first meeting with the new acquaintance!

Cosmos123 · 20/12/2022 20:20

wejammin · 20/12/2022 13:31

My dad does this but about weight, he's fabulous in 99% of ways but he always describes people by their appearance. Even when I was a kid, I'd say "dad, you know Helen?" And he'd say "the great fat thing?" or "the one with the arse". He does it now in front of my kids but at least now I tell him not to.

Sorry I did laugh when I read this.
Have relative who does the same. Thought it was only us.

Whataretheodds · 20/12/2022 22:01

SnackSizeRaisin · 20/12/2022 19:44

It's an evolved behaviour to judge on looks. It tells you about someone's health and social status. It's a modern thing for it not to matter.

Even nowadays it's noticeable that working class men of middle age or older tend to be quite short. I am 5 foot 5 and generally they would be shorter than me. It's fairly unusual to get a man of over 60 from a working class background who is above about 5 8. Whereas middle class men are usually taller than that. It's to do with nutrition in recent generations. Being less than 5 foot is also pretty normal for older working class women and unusual for young adults of any social class. Nowadays height is less of a marker but obesity is becoming the new one.

Did you write this post in 1916?!

KettrickenSmiled · 21/12/2022 03:13

Whataretheodds · 20/12/2022 22:01

Did you write this post in 1916?!

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😂
I'm fascinated by the authorative tone, so have one my own back of a fag packet calculations, but @SnackSizeRaisin's parameters might be very different from the guesses I've made so I have to ask her -

How are you defining working class?
How many middle aged or older working class men do you estimate there are in the UK?
When you say "generally shorter than me" what does the 'generally' part denote, percentage-wise?
How many men do you think there are of 5'4" or under in the UK?

Because my fag packet says it might be around 5 million men, in which case where are they all (apart from flocking round Raisin, obvs!) but the variables are too vague so I'm struggling ...

hot2trotter · 21/12/2022 07:03

My grandmother is worse. Her first comment is always about a person's weight. Doesn't matter how they are as a person - if they are even slightly overweight, 'fat' will be the first thing out of her mouth.

A few examples - "I went shopping today, couldn't reach something on the high shelf, so I asked this big fat bloke that was walking past" or "Yes she has two daughters, I'm on about the fat one". I'm wure both people could be described a different way.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Every single time we speak (usually daily) she will mention somebody "fat". She would neved describe that first man as kind/helpful, or that second one as soft spoken/pretty (she is) - their weight always has to define them.

It's a running joke between my mum and I to ask each other how my times my nannan (her mother) has mentioned the 'f' word today. It's relentless.

christmasgeek · 21/12/2022 07:19

Honestly? It's a generational thing - our parents grew up learning to describe people like this, we did too but have been conditioned to think that observations such as this are a bad thing - in some circumstances, they can be judgemental observations which aren't kind. This doesn't seem unkind / racist / insert other thing you think it could be.

If you ever need to describe a missing person for example, or a criminal, to the police , their height, skin tone, hair colour/length, weight, clothing etc are all useful observations and subconsciously we all make them about most new people we meet.

Maybe she has seen a photo of the 2 of them together and thought she was taller, when behind the scenes she was on a stack of yellow pages!! I think you are reading too much into it.

pinkstripeycat · 21/12/2022 07:29

My whole life I’ve been called “the blonde”. Not even the lady with blonde hair just the blonde by men and women. Must be something about me

gavisconismyfriend · 21/12/2022 07:43

My mum can barely speak about anyone without mentioning their weight/size. It is rude and unnecessary and infuriates me.

ToastyFingers · 21/12/2022 07:45

Meh, I'm short, as are my partner and my youngest daughter. Lots of people point it out but none of us are bothered as our height has never held us back and we all quite like being petite. I might mention if someone was especially tall or short as its a good neutral visual descriptor that doesn't feel the need to mention race, age or body shape.