"She's nice but very small"

[frostytinsel]

My mum rang me earlier to tell me about sibling's new girlfriend who she has recently met (I haven't met her yet).

First comment was along the lines of "Oh yes I met Annabel the other day, she's nice, very small, she's from India, spent most of her life in Dubai then came over here, I thought she'd be taller but when I met her she was very small, lovely girl though."

AIBU to be feel annoyed by this focus on appearance?

My mum often seems to point out how tall/ short/ big/ small someone is on first meeting them. I'm much more interested in her career, interests, etc but none of that was even mentioned, it was all about her appearance and the fact she wasn't British.

I tend to focus on the visuals as well.

I can imagine if someone close to me asked me about her i'd probably say she's lovely, really tiny! and interestingly she lived in Dubai for ages.

DH is 6'4. He's had the exact same comment more than once (about his tallness, not shortness obvs!) and that's always his answer. 'I hadn't realised, thanks for pointing that out'

It doesn't overly bother him. It wouldn't be either. Being tall or short are statements of fact I guess, not necessarily negative.

How does this comment from your Mum about someone you've never met affect any aspect of your life?

It wouldn't bother me either, that should say.

I think height is slightly better than my MIL who describes anyone not skinny by their weight. When it never has any bearing on the story whatsoever. I can understand why it annoys you though.

Presumably having just met her she doesnt know her personality?

I dont know why people get so offended by descriptors?

Not sure why it would annoy you so much but you know your mum and we don’t. I remember my aunt describing her son’s new gf - she’s seems very nice, she’s rather plain but nice. 😬

The pattern is right there in the initial post for all to see @Jimboscott0115

My mum often seems to point out how tall/ short/ big/ small someone is on first meeting them. I'm much more interested in her career, interests, etc but none of that was even mentioned, it was all about her appearance and the fact she wasn't British.

My mother can't say anything without adding something to it.
If her neighbours go on holiday, it's 'John and Mary have gone on holiday - yes, but they don't have any children'. If she talks about one of her friends it's 'Hilary, the solicitor's wife' or 'Barbara, the accountant's wife'.

John and Mary are retired. I don't really know them or give a monkeys if they have offspring. I've never met Hilary or Barbara's husbands, I know them.

It's annoying, and she's always done it.

I went to look around a shared house and met the landlady. Afterwards the other girl in the house who is now my best friend asked the landlady what I was like. She replied "she's quite plain!" 😳

@Funkyslippers , shoot the messenger.

I’d prefer to be called small than to be called big.

My DD has peaked at 5'1"
She views it as her USP as her friends are all tall. She's happy to be the petite one 🙂

I had a word with a colleague of mine the other day along similar lines - we were working in a school, and she kept commenting things like “ooh, haven’t you got long legs” and “wow you’re REALLY TALL” to some of the children.

I had to point out that, as a tall woman myself, this sort of constant commenting on a physical feature that children cannot change, particularly when the comment has the effect of “othering” them at a time when most are desperate to fit in with their peers and not stand out, is perhaps best avoided.

She just said “oh, but i think being tall is lovely!” Sigh.

I think it depends on if this fits into a wider pattern of passing judgement on people's appearances or not. My MIL refers to women as either 'dainty' or 'bonny', with the former being good and the latter bad. She's no oil painting herself, but there we are.

That's my dad too. It's like an interrogation. What does he do for a living? Does his dad work? What does he do? Etc.
Surprised he doesn't shine a light in their eyes while he's asking 😂 I'm only 4'11 tall ( one inch taller than being officially classed as a dwarf! ) My dad always calls me short arse. I've had a variety of names, including half pint, shorty, midgers etc.
Op, my mum is the same as yours, describes the physical appearance first except it usually goes...she / he seems nice enough, tall/short/ blonde/ brunette etc.

As a small person, it's so annoying when people always have to point it out. Not because it offends me, just because I don't get it. I know I'm small, I'm not unaware, so you think I've never noticed how small I am 😂 imagine me going around saying to people oh your tall, oh your slim, oh your on the larger side, oh you have big ears etc etc we don't do that so what's the obsession with mentioning to people about being small. Such an odd comment 😂

To be fair, if you've only known someone for a short time you don't know much about their personality yet.
I'm not usually obsessed with people's height, but I 'met' a few people online during the pandemic and when I met them in real life it was often quite a shock.

YANBU OP

& re: the PP who are demanding you account for why this nettles you by giving it out with the faux-naive "but how does that have any effect on YOUR life" are either missing the point or feeling a bit cross today. No biggie, that's only human, but yeah I think I get why this feels disproportionately annoying.

Do you often find yourself wishing that you could have deeper, more interesting discussions with your mum? Are you disappointed that you can't raise weighty topics, or expect her understanding/support about complicated stuff that's going on for you?

If everything always boils down to remarks like "well you say she was quite good in the pandemic but what was that Jacinda Ahern thinking to wear those shoes?" I get the frustration. If that's the case, sadly all you can really do is lower your expectations, Grey Rock the more enraging statements, & congratulate yourself for not inheriting the maternal Shallow Gene.

My mum does this. If you ask her what any female is like, or if she has met someone she will tell you what they look like. Nothing about their personality.

lovely and slim is her personal favourite. It’s a dog at me who is not. If someone os particularly attractive she almost gets dazzled and awestruck.

we once went to a hotel and there was a very heavily made up girl I a tight dress taking her photo taken by her boyfriend. My mum couldn’t eat her meal because she was so busy staring at this ‘model’. It’s really odd.

Yeah, & I'd prefer to have my wallet nicked by a mugger than being physically accosted in the street by a madman, but that's not really the point is it?

But isn't it an interesting conversation point that she's not British? WTF are people supposed to talk about these days? Appearance is the first thing people notice. I'm tall and I get described as tall. So? Some people really need to get a life.

I’m not sure assessing someone by their career is much better to be honest. All this ‘what do you DO?’ and ‘what do you want to BE when you grow up?’ as if someone’s job is a full and complete description of their entire personality. Not everyone has a ‘career’ as such and they shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it (in the same way they shouldn’t be made to feel bad about their height).

<rant>
“Oh look at you, you have tattoos on your breasts!”

Oh my God, this infuriates me. Why do people insist on telling people things there is literally 0% probability they don't already know? Do some people just find it physically impossible to keep their gobs shut?

I also want to scream when I'm behind people in a queue at a café, bakery, etc., and they read the menu out loud to each other. They are both reading it out. They can both read. What makes each of them think the other needs it read aloud to them?!? Same goes for contestants on Only Connect who read out the clues that everyone else has on the screen in front of them. Why?
</rant>

Oh god, this brought back memories of a team building session where we had to write a description of the colleague sitting to our right (we all knew each other well).

The person before me wrote something along the lines of "she is really intelligent, makes us laugh, works hard, always a bit late in the mornings..."

I wrote "She is female, mid-30s, five foot two, brown hair, a size 6."

I'm not on the spectrum but I can be a bit literal sometimes. Maybe your mum is like this?