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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite godmother's partner to DS christening?

117 replies

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 10:59

Planning to organise DS christening early in the new year.

My friend (who agreed to be a godmother) lives about 5h train journey from me and has had a partner/boyfriend for about a year now (they don't live together). I haven't met him yet, but she's been giving me hints that it will be good if we all meet next time she visits us. The next time we're going to see each other will be at christening.

We want to keep the guest list to the minimum.
AIBU to not invite him?

OP posts:
ThisTimeNext · 20/12/2022 13:14

Sounds like you loved it when she had time for you and perhaps saw a single childfree friend as a good godmother because she'd make a fuss of your child. (Maybe not but people do... My childfree friends find themselves being godparents to multiple children). Now she's got her own partner it's not quite so beneficial for you. Having hoped she'd stay with you and make a big fuss of your DC you find she is now a couple and not so likely to play the role you want. So not only do you not want to invite her partner but you are thinking of rescinding the godmother invitation altogether. . Nothing wrong with that - we all change and lives move on....it might be best all round - but be honest about it.

HelloBunny · 20/12/2022 13:14

Who knows, he might be great? The Christening could be a right laugh, with him there!

WoolyMammoth55 · 20/12/2022 13:16

OP, YABVU.

Thing is, either you love her and want her to be godmother (and if that's true you should WANT to meet her partner, you should be GLAD she's found someone!)

OR you're jelaous of her happiness, want her to be single forever so she can devote herself to you, and don't really want her to be your kid's godmother... In which case tell her now and she's better off without your 'friendship'...

Your call, obviously. But if you do ask her to be godmother then FFS invite her partner and stop being such an ungrateful princess.

nookierookie · 20/12/2022 13:19

So presumably your DH is around the two days that you were hoping she would stay? Seems a bit harsh that you expect her to take the train 5 hours, give up a full weekend with her partner and be a gooseberry to yours and DH's family life.

Seems a bit harsh, OP!

TidyDancer · 20/12/2022 13:20

This is in no way comparable to a wedding imo. The church is open to anyone and if you're having a small do I can't imagine it's much more than adding an extra person to a restaurant booking. I think when someone is travelling as far as your friend is, you should do what you can to accommodate them. In this instance, I would say allowing their partner to attend is the best way you can do that.

SavouryFlavour · 20/12/2022 13:21

Maybe she wants to bring him because things are getting serious after a year, and she's planning to return the godparent favour by asking you to be a bridesmaid in the not too distant future? Which would be a bit awkward for her if you'd given him a very obvious cold shoulder at this event.

Even if she's not at that stage, the fact that she's been 'dropping hints' for a while that she'd like you to meet him suggests she's happy and excited about her new relationship. Which, given that you're expecting her to be all happy and excited about your baby, it seems only polite to reciprocate.

nookierookie · 20/12/2022 13:21

Also, if you are worried they might break up, then maybe ask if he will take some photos of you, DC and godparents. Then he won't be in them. Job done!

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 20/12/2022 13:26

Very unreasonable. And rude.

NinjaWarriorCooker · 20/12/2022 13:28

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 11:06

Even that I asked her to be a godmother when she was still single? And I haven't even met the guy?
We literally have invited only a few people and really want to keep this as small as possible with only the closest ones.

Did you only ask her to be GM as she was single?

How odd.

YABVU

inappropriateraspberry · 20/12/2022 13:29

TidyDancer · 20/12/2022 13:20

This is in no way comparable to a wedding imo. The church is open to anyone and if you're having a small do I can't imagine it's much more than adding an extra person to a restaurant booking. I think when someone is travelling as far as your friend is, you should do what you can to accommodate them. In this instance, I would say allowing their partner to attend is the best way you can do that.

Even a church wedding is open for anyone to join the congregation. It's not a private venue!

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 20/12/2022 13:29

Surely if she is Godmother you trust her judgement?

NinjaWarriorCooker · 20/12/2022 13:30

dworky · 20/12/2022 11:37

But they're not married or even long term. This is a stranger to OP.

Show quote history

And to stop him being a stranger, she should invite him?

Wiloswisp · 20/12/2022 13:32

Gosh, poor woman. You are definitely BU.

TeeBee · 20/12/2022 13:36

You are bring very unreasonable...and short sighted.
If you want to maintain your relationship with your friend, you need to meet her where she is in life and stop trying to punish her (or him) for spending time with her partner. You know, you might like him! It's an opportunity to get to know him better and embrace your friend's new relationship. At the moment, you're expecting her take on godparent duties, to travel by herself and go through the day without her partner. You're not being a good friend to her. You're asking her to bend to your new life without doing the same for her.

belowfrozen · 20/12/2022 13:36

You are being mean and inappropriate

Ted27 · 20/12/2022 13:42

would you not have asked her to be god mother if she hadnt been single?

For many years I was the single, childless one, I put in a lot of effort with my friends- their engagements, weddings, new houses and babies when they came along.
And then I adopted my son, most of my friends welcomed him, made room in their lives for him. Apart from my very oldest friend, the one I had been friends with for over 40 years. She really couldnt accept that things had shifted, that I had something that she had, that her kids were no longer the focus of my attention. Sadly we are no longer friends.
I hope you arent like my friend - if she was good enough to be godmother when she was single she is good enough now.

WarmSausageTea · 20/12/2022 13:51

YABU and stubborn… your prerogative, of course, but if you persist, don’t be surprised if your friendship suffers as a result.

DP’s closest friend met someone, and the friendship adapted to include him. I come along a little later, and was far from welcome. The friend was never particularly warm to me, and she took to telling me things about DP’s family which were clearly meant to colour my view of them; the friendship faltered and eventually fell apart, thankfully without drama. You remind me of the ex-friend.

blubberyboo · 20/12/2022 13:55

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 11:06

Even that I asked her to be a godmother when she was still single? And I haven't even met the guy?
We literally have invited only a few people and really want to keep this as small as possible with only the closest ones.

Yes! Because if you ask someone to be a godmother more than a year before the service you have to expect that something in their life might change.

she isn’t a little old spinster sitting about with nothing to do in her life waiting for the honour of being GM to your child!

the whole point of a GM is someone to teach your child religion, be a role model and potential stand in parent. She can’t do that in a vacuum. And as a parent you would want to know who this person is to see if they share your same values. He could end up marrying her

Bookworm20 · 20/12/2022 14:18

Yes it would be very rude not to invite her partner!

And now you are saying you are rethinking asking her to be godmother because she is no longer single and hasn't got as much time for you! jesus wept. Really?

The woman is coming 5 hours to this tiny (apparantly) service. You can't even fit in 1 other person! How does that work with a christening? Are you buying a meal or something for everyone afterwards, like a wedding? If its about money just ask if he can pay for his meal as its last minute.

I find it very odd you have no desire to meet your very good friends year long partner. To the actual point of rudely excluding him from something that will likely cost her a fortune to attend!

Really odd. Sorry OP, but YABVU

Aprilx · 20/12/2022 14:20

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 11:06

Even that I asked her to be a godmother when she was still single? And I haven't even met the guy?
We literally have invited only a few people and really want to keep this as small as possible with only the closest ones.

So tell her you only want single people as godparents and pick somebody else. 🙄

Hashtagihearya · 20/12/2022 14:21

Yes invite him gosh it's not hard!

Purplechicken207 · 20/12/2022 14:22

Womencanlift · 20/12/2022 11:09

You can’t be that close then if you haven’t met a close friends partner after a year. And if you say it’s because of distance or things got in the way then are they really close enough to be your child’s godparent?

Or are you having a godparent and christening just because it’s the done thing/party and not actually for the spiritual reason that it was originally for

This

NerrSnerr · 20/12/2022 14:24

If she is that special to you that you want her to be godmother I don't understand why you wouldn't be desperate to meet him? They've been together a year- I love meeting my friends partners- especially ones who make them happy.

Starlightstarbright1 · 20/12/2022 14:34

Yabu.
. She is travelling 5 hours for this event, a partner woukd make the trip 10 hours round trip much more pleasent..

You have a partner and baby you want her to embrace in her life.. you owe her the same

Excited101 · 20/12/2022 14:38

It feels a bit like you asked her to be godmother so she’d be obligated to spend time with you.

invite her DP, YABVU