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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite godmother's partner to DS christening?

117 replies

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 10:59

Planning to organise DS christening early in the new year.

My friend (who agreed to be a godmother) lives about 5h train journey from me and has had a partner/boyfriend for about a year now (they don't live together). I haven't met him yet, but she's been giving me hints that it will be good if we all meet next time she visits us. The next time we're going to see each other will be at christening.

We want to keep the guest list to the minimum.
AIBU to not invite him?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 20/12/2022 11:12

2 weeks or 20 years I have no right to dictate whose relationship is more 'serious' when invites go out

Curiosity101 · 20/12/2022 11:13

I think you should speak directly to your friend and explain your thinking to see what she thinks. Surely the only person whose opinion matters is hers? Even if 100% of us thought YABU - if she was hurt by this and this partner ends up being around for the long term then she might always remember this in the future.

If she's close enough to be your child's godmother, she's basically close enough to be family. So you'd be better having a chat and explaining, rather than making a decision in isolation. Plus... even if he didn't come to the christening itself, perhaps there are some other parts of the day he can be a part of? If she's travelling 5h to be part of the day then presumably it won't be, train ride -> christening -> train ride? She'll be doing some other stuff too?

Curiosity101 · 20/12/2022 11:14

Sorry, that should read "even if 100% of us thought YANBU"

Dogscanteatonions · 20/12/2022 11:14

Of course you bloody invite him! It would be very rude not to. Especially as she has a 10 hour round trip with associated fuel/train costs and no doubt hotel costs too. The least you can do is invite her partner.

Cosycover · 20/12/2022 11:14

I don't understand why you wouldn't invite him tbh?

IamnotSethRogan · 20/12/2022 11:14

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 11:06

Even that I asked her to be a godmother when she was still single? And I haven't even met the guy?
We literally have invited only a few people and really want to keep this as small as possible with only the closest ones.

Still YABU. She's travelling a long way for this and she lives so far away I don't know how many opportunities you're going to have to meet him.

One extra person to be kind to your child's Godmother whose going out of her way to be there for you isn't much to ask.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/12/2022 11:15

"IME they happen in the middle of a regular church service"

Usually, but I have been to one that was a separate service. I think the parents paid extra for that.

Rickandmortified100 · 20/12/2022 11:15

You would be so rude and unreasonable to not invite her partner of a year to an event and expect her to attend alone???

SunshineAndFizz · 20/12/2022 11:15

Mate, you need to invite him.

If she's important enough to be godmother, she's important enough to have her bf there.

whattodo1975 · 20/12/2022 11:16

I've never really known a guest list for a christening, presumably the church has space that he can fit in ?

Gwenhwyfar · 20/12/2022 11:16

And even then the church would still be open to the public if someone wanted to come in I suppose, same as for weddings.
Only issue would be a dinner/party afterwards.

TakingControl2023 · 20/12/2022 11:16

YABU.

I understand that you haven't met him, but this would be a good opportunity to.

Also, if you don't invite him then it likely will have a negative impact on your friendship - doesn't get the Godparent/Godchild relationship between her and your child off to a good start.

Fizzadora · 20/12/2022 11:16

Why on earth have you asked this friend to be your child's godmother if you haven't seen her in over a year. A godparent is supposed to be there to provide spiritual guidance to a child. Or are you just having a party?

And yes you are being unreasonable not to invite her partner although I think she has been unreasonable agreeing to be godmother to a child she doesn't even know and is unlikely ever to. My son's godmother was my best friend but we haven't seen her for years (her choice) and she lives in the same town.

PollyPut · 20/12/2022 11:18

YABU. presumably she has to pay for accommodation for a night. she'd like to bring her partner, I'm sure.

Quitelikeacatslife · 20/12/2022 11:18

Blimey just invite him, be kind

Original poster
Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 11:19

I was hoping she would stay at ours for a couple of days after the christening so we can catch up etc, but I don't know if I'd be comfortable with him staying at us overnight if I don't even know him.
To be honest we were really close until she met him, now it's only me reaching out to her etc. I understand she may be busy with her life now, but it gives me second thoughts if she should still be a godmother.

OP posts:
Gruelle · 20/12/2022 11:20

What are you expecting of her as godparent?

If she lives 5 hours away it’s likely she’ll be having her godchild to stay with her occasionally, rather than just taking them out to tea. Are you at that point going to say she can’t host her godchild because you haven’t met her boyfriend?

I think you need to think clearly about your hopes for the adult / child relationship. If you want her in your child’s life then you must surely be willing to embrace her as a whole person and trust her judgement. If you don’t, then you shouldn’t ask her to be a godparent.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/12/2022 11:20

Standard MN thread

YABU YABU YABU

"But what about this?"

YABU

"But also this"

YABU

inappropriateraspberry · 20/12/2022 11:21

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 11:06

Even that I asked her to be a godmother when she was still single? And I haven't even met the guy?
We literally have invited only a few people and really want to keep this as small as possible with only the closest ones.

Inviting him doesn't make him a godfather! Just include him. Rude not to.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 20/12/2022 11:22

I was in a similar position 12 years ago although I think that the relationship was newer - I think they had been together for only a few months.

He came, he was lovely. It must have been a difficult day for him as he didn’t know anyone but my friend and she was busy “godparenting” in the church. But he was nice and sociable and fitted in with us all so well.

Two years later I was bridesmaid at their wedding. I have been to stay at theirs loads. He is the only person in the world outside me and Dh who can remember my son’s complex food likes and dislikes. I am now godmother to their child.

I am so glad I invited him.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/12/2022 11:22

It sounds a bit like you preferred it when you're friend was alone and more assessable to you. She's making a 10 hour round trip for you so you can't say she's not making any effort. You just don't like it that it might not be all on your own terms

dworky · 20/12/2022 11:37

DownToTheSeaAgain · 20/12/2022 11:02

You'd invite him if they were married so why not when they are in a non fleeting relationship?

But they're not married or even long term. This is a stranger to OP.

SallyWD · 20/12/2022 11:38

I'd find it really odd not to invite him. If you want this friend to have a significant tole in your child's life then it's highly likely her partner will also be involved. Why wouldn't you want to meet him?
You're expecting your friend to travel to the christening and then promise to be a spiritual guide throughout your child's life but don't have the decency to let her bring her partner. One more person really won't make much difference.

AdInfinitum12 · 20/12/2022 11:39

dworky · 20/12/2022 11:37

But they're not married or even long term. This is a stranger to OP.

Show quote history

By that logic he'll always be a stranger to her unless they meet. What better time to meet your close friends partner (not a new boyfriend) than when everyone is happy and celebrating something?

Tbf it doesn't actually matter if he's invited or not, anybody can turn up to a church service.

Hobbi · 20/12/2022 11:42

Dahlia5 · 20/12/2022 11:19

I was hoping she would stay at ours for a couple of days after the christening so we can catch up etc, but I don't know if I'd be comfortable with him staying at us overnight if I don't even know him.
To be honest we were really close until she met him, now it's only me reaching out to her etc. I understand she may be busy with her life now, but it gives me second thoughts if she should still be a godmother.

You've moved the goalposts a bit there OP. Why did you ask if you're not going to listen to 100% of the replies?