AIBU Co-Parenting Expectations 8 week old baby

[MummyL0]

So my ex (34 with 2 kids from previous) and I (24 first baby) had been on and off my whole pregnancy, he really messed me about being so hot and cold all the time. The pregnancy was unplanned but I was happy and hopeful before everything started to go south.

2 weeks before baby was due he was checking in with me to see how things were going, I asked if he wanted to be there at the birth and he said no and then backtracked and tried to get me to ask him again but at that point I had already asked my mum and sister to come with me. I guess that's irrelevant info for my question. Basically he had just been an arse the whole relationship and I'm just now seeing how horrible he was now (he's getting worse lol)

When baby was born he came to visit and all was well, we still had feelings for eachother and he said he wanted to help out with her and that he wanted to be a family. When baby was 4 days old he pressured me into letting him take her out on his own for the day, I reallllyyy did not feel comfortable with this but he wore me down and I gave in. Things have happened since and we are now not on good terms. I don't let him have the baby overnight as I feel they are just too young and there is smoking in the house (he denies this yet baby comes home smelling like an ashtray almost every time (except when he takes her to his exs house!! "to see his other kids"))

Funny thing is he refuses point blank to come into my house as he feels my family hate him, they don't exactly like him but he hasn't even gone near any of them/me to even know this. I think he's embarrassed about how he has been treating me. They also work during the day so he could easily come when they are at work but he still says no.

Currently he has the baby on a Tuesday (from 3pm) and all day Saturday. He brings LO home at 9:30/10pm and I think this is too late. I even think him taking her for hours on end is a bit much. I tried to explain that little and often would be better but he is saying I'm trying to stop him from seeing LO. I have never tried to stop him.

Until she was 6 weeks old I had to pack a bag with nappies wipes clothes and bottles because he didn't have anything in his house. I have received £90 in 8 weeks from him and can't keep up with his demands of seeing them. I appreciate that he wants to have a relationship with them but they are only a baby and need to get into a routine/know where home is.

AIBU for wanting the baby home at a reasonable time say 7:30/8pm and not allow overnights until she is older??

YABU for letting him have her away from you at all so young!! At most he should have her for a couPle of hours!!!!!

Do not be parted from your baby for longer than you are comfortable with x

Christ alive... Expecting a baby to go off without its mother on DAY FOUR?!!! Jesus wept.

Keep her away from him, he obviously can't be trusted not to keep her away from smoke. If he won't visit in your home then tough tits.

Your baby needs you op. Df's are optional imo.
He hasn't got his dc's needs in mind has he?

You both need a routine. If your family is out of the house during the week then he can come over Tues and Thurs from 1-4 and then take her out on Saturdays from 1-5 or something so she can see her siblings. Set specific times. At this age, it is too much to do full days out.

I have an 8 week old baby atm, I think she really needs to be with you most of the time. Do you trust him to look after her properly? I definitely wouldn’t let her go anywhere near smoke as it increases the risk of SIDS. Basically all your decisions at this stage need to be baby first, even if that means stopping contact completely and going through the courts. He doesn’t sound trustworthy enough in my opinion and your baby is really tiny. Good luck, it must be a really hard situation!

Also, the part about you not feeling comfortable and him wearing you down to the point you give in really stood out to me. That’s not a healthy parenting dynamic and you are going to have to prioritise her above all else because it doesn’t sound like her understands what a little baby needs.

Oh man honestly this really is a tough one, I’d say he does have the right to time with the baby as well.

It’s so hard because the baby is so young but he’s missing out on so much because he doesn’t live with her.

however, I suppose you have offered for him to see her a lot so I guess YNBU.

I mean if that baby isn’t breastfed, why should you have more right to her than her dad? Logically, he is her parent to so unless there’s good reason 50/50 custody should be what it is imo.

The courts were happy for my DD to not do overnights at all until she reached 4 years old.

We started off at a contact centre where they built their relationship.

After that weekly contact was to be little and often (2 hours every other day) which then extended in length and became less frequent Tuesday and Sundays by the time she was 3 between 8:30 - 4pm.

Once she started school it was meant to be Wednesdays 3pm - 6pm and EOW. In actual fact DD didn't like sleeping over so she did one weekend day with him and one with me which worked for us.

Way too young to be away from you! Don't do what you're not comfortable with

This is terrible advice for a 8 week old.

Financially go through the CMS and put a middle man between you both. It makes things easier in the long run.

I don’t think I have any advice? I gave an opinion based on logic.

Are you able to speak to a solicitor? I would go down that route. Also CMS.

I would not allow my baby to stay somewhere with smoking in the house. Who are the smokers? Who is he living with?

OK - your opinion is wrong. You don't base the needs of an 8 week old on logic.

All this does not bode well for the future. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. He is dangling the hope of a relationship as a means to control you. Do not engage with this nonsense. File a CMS claim now. Arrange access through a contact centre.

Babe calm down, I was just throwing ideas around. A Dad has as much right as a Mum but obviously I understand in practise how complicated the babies age makes things.

This. You and your baby need a routine. A smoke-free routine !

It’s not about the dad, it’s about the baby.

The baby has rights, a right to a relationship with its father. The dad has responsibilities, including understanding what’s best for the baby, ie. it’s mother.

You lost me at babe...

I'm not un-calm, more incredulous that anyone can have the opinion that an 8 week old should be passed between households like some sort of toy.

At 8 weeks old, dad shouldn't have as much right as mum does. Babies are designed to need their mum constantly at that age. It can affect their brain development and can be extremely detrimental them to be removed from their mum for hours at a time.

A couple of hours at most is probably right, or, better still, parents who are actually in a loving relationship rather than using a newborn as a weapon.

The flags women ignore always makes me shudder.

You have decided to bring a baby into an absolute shit show and are now going to have to deal with the consequences for 18+ years, as is your poor child.

You should not be letting him take baby for such a long time at 8 weeks old, did you not take part in any antenatal classes before delivering? Do you not understand attachment and how babies develop in the first 2-5 years of their lives?

I lost you but yet you continued.

A baby 'gone off visiting' at 4 days postnatal would mean a referral to social services if the midwife happened to call by expecting to check Mum & baby... that's how serious this is.

Dads shouldn’t have the same rights is quite a controversial thing to say. The baby shouldn’t be shifted around, no. All though I saw somewhere on the thread someone said the court was happy for dad to not have overnight under the age of 4. Sounds most sensible.